Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse

While discussing post traumatic stress disorder and the long-lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse, my husband asked me, “How did you overcome it?” The question took me aback. I had almost forgotten.

It seems a lifetime ago, but in the early years of our marriage, sexual intimacy was difficult for me. Sometimes I couldn't bear it at all. I felt guilty when I pushed my husband away and angry when I didn't. Sometimes out of nowhere, vivid sensory memories interrupted my peace and stopped me cold. Frequent nightmares made me afraid to sleep. Rage seemed to always simmer just below the surface.

How did I overcome it? It wasn't one thing. I prayed. I wrote. I went to therapy. I sketched. I forgave my abuser, and shared Jesus with him. Then I agreed to testify against him, because forgiveness is different from letting an abuser continue to abuse.

When horrific memories took over my senses, causing me to feel and hear past abuse, I stomped my foot to jolt my body back to the present. When my mind wandered, I focused on my husband's face and talked to him.

At some point that got lost in the busyness of life, I moved on.

When I was still suffering from PTSD symptoms, I couldn't imagine ever feeling free with my husband. Now the trauma gives me understanding, but cannot hurt me. I no longer have to whisper, looking down with my hand over my mouth, when I speak of the years of sexual assaults. I can say it out loud, making eye contact, without hesitation. I can also forget about it for months or years at a time. Now I enjoy my husband's love with my whole body, heart and mind.

I share this with a prayer for those of you who still suffer as a result of sexual abuse. There's no easy answer. Everyone has a different experience, and some suffer longer than others. Take heart. You survived for a purpose. God himself will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Peter 5:6-11, NIV

Tamma
Follow me to Tamma's Song

A recipe for Changing Our Men?!

Do you ever wish God would change your husband – his ways, actions, reactions, or his opinions? {Maybe a better question is: Is there anyone out there who has never wished that their husbands would change in some way? Grin. Of course all of us need to change in some way!}

As wives and home-managers, whose job descriptions require us to make daily evaluations of the home and family - and fix what is needed to be fixed, it’s really easy to see areas where our husbands need change. And it’s even easier to assume that we’re the ones who can bring it about. We have this persistent idea that if we plead or pout or nag or explain or “mention” in just the right way, we can bring a much-needed-lasting change to our husbands.

Fortunately for us (because who really wants that responsibility???), that will never work. Only God can bring lasting change to our men…Just as only God can bring lasting change to us.

If you’re in a situation with your husband where your hands are tied (not the bedroom-kind, haha), here’s a recipe that I promise will work. It’s not a quick and easy fix, but it is one that will bring peace to your heart as you wait for God to work in the life of your man.

Instead of trying to employ feminine wiles on your husbands, try this: P.R.A.Y.

I've employed this method for many years, and found it to bring great peace to both my heart and my mind.  As you're stirring up this recipe, just remember: God sees all, knows all, loves all, and works all things out - somehow - for His glory - which is also His best (good) in each life. God even uses those who aren't seeking Him to somehow accomplish His work in the lives of those who are. That's just how God works. And I find great comfort in that!

P - Pour out your heart to God. Tell Him all about it. Tattle-tale on your man to God, if you need to. Dump the details at His feet. (Of course, He already knows each detail, but it is for our benefit that He tells us to come to Him and pour out our hearts to Him.) Plus, this sometimes just plain feels good to tell on him! ;-)

Ask God to show you if you are bitter toward him in any way. Then, sweet friends, for your own good, pour out that bitterness. In  your heart, you know that bitterness is doing neither you nor your husband any good. Bitterness is a poison that can weigh you down and absolutely destroy you. It will do nothing to bring about lasting change in your husband. In fact, it just might push him further in the opposite direction. Pour it all out before the Lord.

R – Release your man to God. Picture him at the wounded feet of Jesus, who loves both of you so. You can trust God with your husband. God can do more than you could ever imagine to do in, through, about, and around your man and your situation. Release your husband it into God’s All-Capable hands.

A - Ask God to bless your man. This is a biggie. Especially if you are struggling with bitterness toward him about something or over how something or someone is handled. Our natural tendency is to pray that “God will get ‘em!” Asking God to bless an offending person or situation requires that our focus switch from "what I think is best" to "what God knows is best". It may require going back to the Pouring out and the Releasing stages several times to be able to honestly ask God to bless your husband. But it's worth it!

Y - Yield to the leading of the Holy Spirit in your own life. In other words... say Yes to obedience. Make sure that you are in right relationship with God, confessed up, and ready/willing to say "yes" to whatever it is that God asks you to do. This may bring on a fresh battle with pride in your own life - but with God's help, Humility (and you) can win!

Psalm 62 speaks beautifully about our roles in changing others:

"Only God can save me, and I calmly wait for him.

God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe

and the fortress where I am secure...

Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on him.

God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe,

and he is the fortress where I feel secure.

God saves me and honors me.

He is that mighty rock where I find safety.

Trust God, my friends, and always tell him each one of your concerns.

God is our place of safety.

We humans are only a breath; none of us are truly great.

All of us together weigh less than a puff of air.

Don't trust in violence or depend on dishonesty or rely on great wealth.

I heard God say two things:

"I am powerful,

and I am very kind."

The Lord rewards each of us according to what we do."

Psalm 62: 1-2, 5-12 (CEV)

Friends, I'm positive I'm not the first person to come up with an acrostic to the word "pray", but the Lord unfolded this to me about my own husband, and I'm praying that it will be a help to some of you, too~

(This method actually works with all circumstances we face, when we can do nothing to change the situations we, or our loved ones find ourselves facing.)

When your hands are tied: P.R.A.Y. and then watch for what God will do. He is powerful and He is very kind.

Much love to my "Slow Cooking" friends~
Jennifer

"Faith, Family, Food, Fun, Life, Love, and Living it all through Jesus Christ" ... and sharing it all on my blog: www.SmellingCoffee.com. Look for and “like” Smelling Coffee on Facebook.

Game Ideas for Zesty Married Couples

Lovemaking can be comforting, thrilling, healing, cleansing, and strengthening. It can also be downright fun! But when I tried looking up some zesty game ideas online. . . oh my! Even with a web filter in safe mode, some things came up that I did not want to see! For my fellow sisters in Christ who have playful hearts, I offer these game ideas that you can read without fear.

Guess What? Gather together household items with interesting and pleasant textures, smells, and tastes. Blindfold your husband with a sleep mask or bandana. With your husband resting comfortably (however much or little clothing he wears for this is up to you two), gently stroke him with one item at a time (wherever you touch is up to you—let him be surprised). See if he can guess the item. If the item is fragrant, be sure to pass it under his nose. If it tastes good, caress his lips with it, or give him a taste. Take turns. See who can guess the most items.

Flashlight Using a small flashlight in a totally dark room, point to one spot on your body. Your husband gets to kiss you in that one spot only. Point to another spot. Turn the flashlight on and off, bring it in close, or pull back for broader areas. Take turns controlling the light.

Slip-and-slide Tuck a shower curtain, or clean tarpaulin, over your mattress. Add a few squirts of baby oil. Strip down, and you're ready to go!

Draw Start with index cards (or you can use pieces of paper). Cut the cards in half, and separate into two stacks. On each card of the first stack, write an action. (Kiss, dance, etc.) Include a mixture of sweet, zesty, and silly actions. On each card of the second stack, write a body part. Any body part, not just the zesty ones. Mix up the cards in each stack, but keep the stacks separate. Husband and wife take turns drawing one card from each stack, then doing what the cards say, with the person's own interpretation. For example, Kiss / lips directs a kiss, but it could be gentle or passionate. Dance/nose can be quite silly.

Zesty Charades Start with a stack of index cards, cut in half (or use paper or card stock). On each card, write a zesty word or phrase. Include those special words that you only use with your spouse in the bedroom, along with words like position, and heat, that only sound zesty, because of the mood. Make as many zesty words and phrases as you can think of, shuffle the cards, and put them face down. Set a timer. You get two minutes to act out as many words as you can, without speaking. Then it's your husband's turn. Spice this up even more by adding a special zesty reward for the winner.

Secret word Blindfold your hubby with a sleep mask or bandana. Write a zesty one-word suggestion somewhere on his body with a tasty treat, like chocolate syrup, honey, or canned whipped cream (something with a nozzle for writing). Use sugar-free, if sugar is an issue. If he guesses the word, he gets a taste of the treat, and another word. If he misses, it's your turn.

Board games You can turn regular board games into zesty games by changing a few rules. Checkers: add a zesty treat for jumping, for capturing a checker and for crowning. Monopoly: collect zesty rewards for landing on property and passing go. Scrabble? Only zesty words allowed. Don't forget about good old-fashioned strip poker. And if you're still bendy enough: Naked Twister!

Puts a whole new spin on Game Night, doesn't it? ::wink:: Never lose the fun of lovemaking! If you have a zesty game idea, please share it. We Christians need a safe place to share and learn. Remember, you can remain anonymous, if you're shy.

Tamma

The Nooner Revisited

Julie's note: I'm having all sorts of fun health issues so Zesty inspirations are not even close to being on my radar. I hate that for a lot of reasons, but one reason is because I love when I can come in here and encourage you. I've been praying on it and decided I'll re post some in case you missed any.

This is my first post ever to Zest and I was a guest. I still get remarks about this one. One thing I will say outright, that picture is NOT my husband.  It is a Flikr image that met the theme. :)

When it comes to marital sexual experience, I tend to be a bit on the naïve side. In 1976, my parents listened to the one local radio station that played the same summer hit each hour, Starland Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight. The station played that song so often there are still summer days when I’m visiting my mom’s and relaxing on the porch, I’m certain I still hear the song. Thing is, it was only very recently when revelation hit. That song must have been about the “nooner”!

Flikr image

Although a secular term, I’m here to encourage Christian wives to enjoy this term now listed in the Urban Dictionary. A nooner is defined as “sex done at lunch, your lunch break, or around noon.” It’s a Christian marriage’s best kept secret. The topic doesn’t come up in conversation often, but when it does; both the husbands and wives wear a sly smile.

I’m task oriented so when I worked in an office setting, noon meant time to eat a sandwich and maybe take a walk. Once married, my husband’s office was across the street. Our home was five minutes away. I realized through experience that men enjoy a nooner. When I spoke with my girlfriends (after someone else brought up the topic) we discovered our hubbies really like this idea. We also confessed once we skipped lunch and went home for dessert, we enjoyed the nooner too.

Google has 348,000 hits for nooner, but not a lot of information on how it affects a marital relationship between spouses, especially Christian ones. From my marriage ministry experience I know men have one folder at a time mind set. When they have the sex folder out, it doesn’t matter the time. It’s the only folder on their mind. Husbands generally like spontaneity more than their beloved, so a nooner fits the bill. There isn’t a lot of time, it’s not planned, and it’s a bit risky.

For those that work outside the home, it’s risky because the lunch hour is pretty much that, an hour. Sixty minutes for drive time, the nooner, the redress and check hair time before returning to work. Once back at work, your face will yield a glow that will make people think you went to the spa for a facial.

I remember nooner opportunities as a stay at home mom. Not only was I task oriented, I was paranoid. Naps were times for me to dash around the house and get things done. If my husband convinced me to pursue some afternoon delight, he had to turn on the baby monitor and lock the doors. Women operate with accordion folder type thinking and my mind was exploring the ways this experience could go wrong.

Sound familiar? If so, I encourage you to let your guard down. As a new Christian, still single, a woman prayed over me in very specific ways. She even prayed that I would embrace the thought that it was ok to “be the devil in bed” as long as it was comfortable (and legal) for both of us. I assumed Christian marriages were puritan and flat. Allowing God to broaden my mind and trust my husband with something different proved to be fun, an afternoon delight if you will.

I dare you to give a nooner a try, even initiating an encounter.

It will be our secret that your glow didn’t come from the spa.

http://juliearduini.com

Surrendering the good, the bad, and---maybe one day---the chocolate

Read The Surrendered Scribe Blog Fiction Friday: No Idea

Signature powered by WiseStamp 

The Blue Bird of Happiness Plan

…Another recipe for "slow-cooking wives" to warm up to our "microwave men."

Almost 19 years ago, we were given this little glass blue bird as a wedding gift.

The tag hanging around its neck said to put it in the window so it would bring joy and happiness in our home. It was a sweet gift, but we didn’t have a window that it would sit in. We didn’t really know what to do with it, so eventually; the blue bird of happiness nested itself in a corner of a guest room drawer.

Back then, I was a “shy" bride, and just couldn’t bring myself to initiate sex with my husband. I think I was afraid of rejection – as in “What if he doesn’t want to tonight?? Would it be because he’s not attracted to me… after all, that’s all men think about, isn’t it?” My mind whirled out of control with unfounded fear of rejection. I quickly concluded that it was safer to let my husband do the initiating.

Besides, people weren’t talking openly about sex in those days, and in my deep-southern culture, if “proper ladies” did initiate sex with their husbands, they surely didn’t kiss and tell!  However, somewhere deep down inside, I knew that my husband needed to know that I wanted intimacy with him just as much as he wanted it with me. Only, I didn’t have the confidence to approach him in that way.

One day, God gave me an idea… He reminded me of that little glass bluebird tucked away in a drawer. I pulled it out, prayed through God’s inspired plan, and presented it to James that night. From then on, the Bluebird of Happiness had a purpose I’m sure it’s creators never dreamed.

The plan worked well for this shy bride, and eventually the bird wasn’t so necessary. However, it still sits on the back corner my nightstand, as a reminder of the happiness we experienced as we learned to unselfishly love each other early in our married life. I smile every time I see it. (In fact, I pulled it out not too long ago!) ;-)

The Blue Bird of Happiness Plan is simple. It would work with ANY object. It can be used by both husband and wife. If you’re having a hard time initiating sex with your husband, this might work for you. OR, if you find that your husband doesn’t give you enough time to mentally “warm up” to intimacy with him, he might want to use the Blue Bird of Happiness Plan on you.

Simply agree on an object you will use. Then, when either of you would like to have sex that day, set the object out somewhere in the house where it will be visible to the other. Since both of you now know that sometime during that day you’ll be enjoying intimacy, your slow-cooking Crock Pot mind can catch up with your microwave man.  And... your microwave man can have something to look forward to all day long!

We made a fun game out of where to set the bluebird. If I set it out and my husband saw it, he’d move it to let me know he got the message. I’d do the same when he would set it out for me.  We'd try to find a more creative spot each time we set out the bird.

To this day, our children are still asking about that bird – why we have it hidden on the night stand, and why sometimes its out in the house… We just smile and say that it brings us joy and happiness. One day, for a wedding gift, we just might let them in on the secret, and give them a Blue Bird of Happiness of their own. :-)

From one "Slow-Cooker" to another~
Jennifer
http://www.smellingcoffee.com/
Also, friends, please "like"  "Smelling Coffee" on Facebook.  And if you Twitter, look for SmellingCoffee on Twitter, too.

.

Skeleton Plan

Have you ever planned a vacation, or a special occasion, or a night out, for a very long time? You rehearsed it over and over in your mind, until it seemed larger than life. Then, when you finally got to do it, were you disappointed? The reality of a really good thing usually can't compare with the fantasy of the perfect thing.

I do that all the time, even in the bedroom. When date night comes around, I'll sometimes play the whole scenario in my mind, only to be let down when it doesn't go exactly as I'd imagined. Reality just can't keep up. For one, I'm not as bendy in real life.

Anticipation is good. Slipping a sexy note into my husband's pocket, or whispering a zesty invitation into his ear, mentally prepares us both. Too much of a good thing, though, can spoil it. There's a knack to this anticipation stuff.

We don't always plan lovemaking, of course. But when we do plan a special evening, it goes better if I don't let my husband in on all the details in my imagination. It works for him if I leave a little mystery. It also works better for me, if I don't go over it too much in my own mind.

I think of it as a skeleton plan. I get the basics in mind. Sharing a few of those ideas with my husband is exciting, and gives shape to the evening, especially when he shares a few ideas with me, too. Then, when we discover the rest together as the evening progresses, well. . . no disappointments. ::wink::


Tamma

Saying Yes

Join me in welcoming Karissa Strovas to Adding Zest today...

There is something that speaks deeply to a woman’s heart when she is pursued and sought out by the one she loves. When I think back to my years long high school romance, I can’t believe how many ways my (now) husband would show me he loved me. Almost exclusively in non-physical fashion, he was on a constant quest to think of something new, something that would communicate the way he felt about me. Brownies with love notes written on foil and baked inside….day hiking trips to special places. It’s no wonder I wanted to marry him when I was 17!

After five years of marriage and the birth of our first child, I began to understand how the passionate, regular physical connecting could change. It wasn’t intentional of course. But when your day is spent meeting every practical need of a new baby or being climbed on by an energetic toddler, it’s easy to get to the end of the day with no room left in your personal bubble. I remember feeling like if I was touched or tugged at or ‘needed’ in any other way by bedtime, I just might scream.

I was sure I was perfectly justified to feel that way. Talking with other moms often only fueled my feelings. It was easy to compile a long list of why we had all earned the right to go straight to sleep at the end of the day. The problem with my way of thinking and the direction of the mommy-conversations was that they were all about ME.

I lost sight of the husband who got up every single day and went to work so that I would be able to stay home and care for our children. I rarely stopped to appreciate his part of the deal. I made it clear with a cold shoulder or a lame excuse after kids were asleep that the one and only thing I wanted was sleep too. Immediately.

While it is natural that the newborn or toddler stage left me tired and ‘touched out’, it wasn’t natural or even healthy to not make time for sex with my husband. Men are intrinsically wired by our Creator God to think about and need physical intimacy. I wish I had understood this better when we starting having children.

By the time we had two babies, just one year apart I was pretty overwhelmed. After enough times of pursuing me and being shut down, he eased up. Instead of relief, I felt only guilt. I watched my insecurity increase. I started to doubt the way my husband felt about me and if he thought I was still beautiful.

I would talk with young moms and it was clear they had ‘laid down the law’ in their homes and only connected sexually every few weeks or months with their spouses. This struck me as a long ways from what was healthy or ideal for any man. It didn’t seem right that the wife should hold all the power and control of when and how often.

As He so faithfully does, God gently showed me that what I thought I wanted wasn’t actually what was best for me and for our marriage. He magnified my selfishness and began to speak to my heart about how He had created my husband. It became clear that carving out time and finding energy for sex even in the midst of babyhood, was imperative for our marriage to grow.

Saying yes at the end of a day full of spit up and dirty diapers may feel completely counter-intuitive. But it can be a tremendous blessing to your husband. It is a powerful and wonderful gift. I believe it is much closer to the way God designed marriage to work. With plenty of opportunities for distraction in our culture, making a way to connect even through the baby years is one more way to walk out a commitment to marriage for the (life) long haul.
~*~*~*~*~

Repost from the archives


I am a Jesus-loving, homeschooling mother of four spirited young children and wife to one incredible husband. After ten years in ministry and eleven years of marriage, my husband and I are in the midst of a new journey. He is now working outside the church while we are a part of a new church plant in our area. We have encountered some pretty overwhelming challenges in our barely 30 years of age. I am learning daily to live out God’s radical promise in Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” I have watched this verse in action and am still in awe of God’s ability to use every single thread of my life for His good.
Karissa blogs at Table for Six

When it's time to unbury the treasure

For some reason, the movie title Ten Things I Hate About You (which is loosely based on Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew), occupied space in my brain and refused to relocate. So, I thought perhaps that meant it was time to focus my writing energy on Ten Things I Love About You. Since school started and my novel deadline looms, I find that the love of my life and I sometimes move in different orbits. When I find myself a wee bit cranky because he asks me to disengage myself from the laptop to hug him, I know it's time to slap myself in the head...and remind myself of the gift he is to me from God.


I've listed these in no particular order and, yes, I know there are more than ten...I couldn't help myself.

What I treasure about Ken:
1. He knows how to make me laugh even when I'm grumpy and frumpy.
2. He brings me coffee in bed. Fresh coffee. Which means he probably had to clean the whole contraption before making it because I'm certain I didn't the night before.
3. He and I share a neurotic fear of roller coasters.
4. He married me.
5. He tells me I'm beautiful in a way that makes me believe him. And just the touch of his hand on my bare shoulder can sometimes be enough.
6. He surprised me with a laptop years ago because he believed I could be a writer even when I didn't.
7. He manages our finances and, after being a single mom, I'm grateful to have him do it.
8. He cooks; he cleans; he washes. Not always, but often enough to relieve me of some of the burden.
9. He's not as crazy-in-love with grocery shopping as I am, but he can be fun in the grocery.
10. He listens to my school stories.
11. He's not been a perfect stepfather, but he's not been an unperfect one either. Dynamics are complicated, but he stretches himself.
12. He's not afraid to make decisions. The process of getting to the decision might be interminable, but once he's there...he's rooted.
13. He's not afraid to say he was wrong if #12 didn't turn out the way he expected.
14. He's goal-oriented in a way that humbles me. For years, he worked six to seven days a week so that we could own our home. After Katrina, he spent months driving hundreds of miles each week to work, boomeranging from city to city so that we could maintain our financial obligations.
15. He's generous. When I write, I mean full-on, butt strapped to the chair write, he takes care of meals, cleans the kitchen, washes clothes, fields my phone calls, and essentially makes himself invisible so I can focus.

And most importantly, he is a man of faith who came to the Lord as an adult, and who has been forever changed.
What do you treasure?

Houston, We Have a Problem!

We'd like to welcome Laury to Adding Zest. She has some good words for chronic pain sufferers.

Oh my, I hate to even show you this picture because everyone knows the sound. I’m positive you’re cringing this very minute. Do you know that for many chronic pain sufferers, this is exactly what major portions of their days are like?

So when hubby rolls over and begins to rub her back seductively, what should she do? There’s a war going on in her head and she’s positive she’s not on the winning side. Migraines and chronic headaches plague so many women these days. And it’s so cliché to say, “Honey, I have a headache.” And I haven’t even mentioned the touch of his hand as he traces her spine. For fibromyalgia sufferers it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Head pain and painful touches do not add up to the woman being inclined to scootch into her husband’s body and soak in his love. And instead of being honest and admit that she has that cliché headache, she often will pretend to be asleep, or will stay up late getting things done and will end up asleep on the couch just in case hubby wakes up happy to see her, if you know what I mean.

I know about this personally and have done all these things and more to avoid my husband, I’m sorry to admit. But you know what? I’ve discovered something amazing, just in this past year or so. I’ve learned that my husband’s touches are very healing. They help to relax me and they also help me block out much of the pain that I continually deal with, at least for a time.

This is amazing to me and doesn’t make sense at all. I’ve often wondered if scientists have done a study on sex and chronic illness. I’m positive there is some euphoria type chemical that is released during lovemaking. God created sex for husband and wives to enjoy and He knew we wouldn’t always ‘feel’ like it. He also knew that health problems can kill a marriage. God created us to crave touches and when we can stamp out the critter in our brain that is saying, “Are you kidding me?” and relax and be fully loved by our man, we will be greatly rewarded.

Here are some suggestions from familydoctor.org
**Plan sexual activity for the time of day when you have the most energy and your health problem bothers you the least.
**Be sure that you are rested and relaxed.
**If you need pain medicine to feel better, take the medicine 30 minutes before sexual activity.

The following might help you maintain your sex life:
**Hold hands, hug and touch, even when you do not plan to have sex.
**Use your senses to make sexual activity more enjoyable. For example, have satin sheets on the bed, light scented candles or play music.
**Tell him what you like and do not like.
**Try different sexual positions to find positions that are comfortable or use pillows for comfort.
**Try personal lubricants (one brand name: K-Y Jelly) to help reduce discomfort with sexual intercourse.

I’m not saying that it’s possible to always give in to your husband’s touches, and I’ll be honest with you, I sure don’t, but when you feel half way good, learn to take advantage of it. Many times I can’t even walk to the mailbox (Houston, we have a problem) but at night I’m often orbiting the moon (One small step for man…)

I do have to tell you, though, the landing isn’t always the greatest but I’m not usually any worse than before the lovemaking. Seize the moment. Throw caution to the wind. And when you don’t feel good, go ahead and see what happens. Give in and let go.

And one more thing, husbands sometimes don’t initiate after years of being put off. They may be scared that it will hurt us or they might be scared of another rejection. Make sure you tell him how good his touches make you feel. Ask him to send you to the moon. You will love it and he will love sending you there!

If you’re a chronic pain sufferer, I know your pain. Maybe you have tips or ideas you can share with those of us who suffer, too. What sends you to the moon or maybe even to the ‘Milky Way?’ See you in orbit!

Repost from the archives

Laury Hubrich:
I am a middle-aged wife of 26 years and mother of three - two grown children and one sixteen-year-old son. My life and the life of my family changed drastically about eight years ago when I got a headache that never went away and grew in intensity. I hopped from doctor to doctor and had various 'things' fixed in hopes that it would be the answer but, of course, it wasn't. Eventually God led me to a neurosurgeon at the University of Chicago. I was diagnosed as having Intracranial Hypertension. My spinal fluid continually builds and doesn't empty out like a 'normal' person. It causes me to have severe headaches and dizziness. That and Fibromyalgia has given me many challenges to overcome.

Because I spend so much time in bed, a laptop has enlarged my world. I can interact with my writer friends and other friends who have IH. I love writing and trying to keep up on my blog. Soon I will begin another school year as a teacher’s aide. Each day is a challenge but it also can be very exciting and fulfilling. God has given me strength and incredible family and friends to keep me pressing on towards what He has for me.

Women and Pornography

We have a very special guest here today who is going to tell her incredible story.

A couple months ago, I was awakened in the middle of the night with this compulsion to contact Sharon (not real name) and ask her about her journey out of pornography. At the time, the blog "Adding Zest" wasn't even a thought, but God had plans that I couldn't foresee.

I have to tell you that she got a very strange and intense comment from me at 3am asking her to email me, and I didn't know if she would respond or not. But she did and what's more, she agreed to honestly and candidly answer my questions.

While Sharon is not ashamed to make her identity known, she has asked to remain anonymous for this post in order to avoid bringing reproach upon her husband. Sharon, thank you so much for your honestly, your heart, and for being an example for others to follow. You are a blessing!

Now readers, you are in for a treat. Grab a cup of coffee, and read a story of redemption and hope.

Heidi: Tell us how you got started on pornography.

Sharon: I started watching pornography after rebelliously marrying an unbelieving man as a teenager. It was in our early marriage when I began to try to find someway of “connecting” with him that I followed his lead into watching pornographic movies as part of our sexual experience together.

It’s so true what our Spirit says, “What part has a believer with an unbeliever?” (2 Corinthians 6:14) He has such a loving reason why He tells us not to marry or bond ourselves together with an unbeliever… He knows there’s no intimacy, no fellowship, as He inteded it to be there. Trying to find that connection with my husband I began watching pornography. Soon, I was enslaved to it.

Heidi: The “experts” say that sexual misbehavior and sexual addiction are actually a symptom of a deeper issue: intimacy disorder. Can you see that this was true in your case?

Sharon: I don’t know about that. Like I said in answering the first question, there was for sure an issue of lack of intimacy that spurred me to begin watching pornography. I was seeking some level of intimacy with my husband on a wordly and fleshly appetite level. I think going back to why I chose to marry an unbelieving man when I was a young believing 19 year old does get to more of the “root” of the problem though. I didn’t respect my parents’ choices and I didn’t have a father who stood up and said, “You know what honey, I’m not going to idly stand by and let you make this decision. I’m going to remind you that you’re worth more, that you belong to Christ…” etc.

I don’t blame my parents but I do see how that lack of intimate trust with them caused me to rebelliously disregard their angst about me marrying the man I chose to marry. Ultimately I know that even though they didn’t guide me the right way, God was speaking through them in urging me not to make the choice I was making, and I didn’t heed His voice through them. I think my lack of intimacy with Christ, being satisfied with Him, is ultimately the reason I went looking for it in “the world” (my husband) and that led to looking for intimacy with “the world” (my husband ) in pornography.

Heidi: How long did you struggle with the behavior?

Sharon: From 1993 through 2001. Even though I don’t struggle with the behavior myself now, I struggle with overcoming the accusations, arguments, condemnations and temptations just to give in to make my husband “happy”.

I also struggle with replacing those old images in my mind with a pure joy in sex with my husband. But I have overcome greatly, especially in the last three years, standing on the blood of the Lamb, the testimony of His deliverance in my life and His word.

Heidi: For some, Jesus delivers in a single moment; but for most, it is a gradual deliverance as He teaches us to do spiritual warfare and trains us to be victorious. How did He bring victory into your life?

Sharon: For me I think it was both a single moment deliverance and a little by little taking back of the “land” of sex in my marriage for His glory. Although I became addicted to watching pornography, talking pornography, or thinking pornography during sex or to achieve orgasm in sex, I always despised it and myself afterward. It truly is a bunch of chains that you wish you could shake off.

It took a revelation of the power of the Cross of Christ, confession of my secret sin to others, and taking a loving stand with my husband that brought me deliverance. And it took replacing my past with the truth of God’s word and a continual washing of my mind with God’s word to begin to strengthen me to be victorious and fruitful as God would have it in the land of sex again.

I remember one day, after watching a movie on the computer while my husband was away, totally breaking down. During the entire act I was so aware of Christ’s presence and then when it was over I couldn’t hide. All I could see in my spirit was Christ on the cross saying, “I became that sin for you.” Suddenly I knew that the cost of what I was caught up in was the precious life of Christ and that revelation of His redemption broke my chains. I immediately wanted to confess rather than hide.

I called my dear friend and sister in Christ and confessed my life of pornography to her and cried from the depths of my soul. After that I talked with a pastor at my church and confessed to him that the “seductress” from the Proverbs was living in my house. I told him and his wife about my chains and began regulary going to a Bible study for those with addictions. I also went to my unbelieving husband who saw absolutely nothing wrong with watching porn, and told him I was addicted to it and didn’t want to watch it ever again. I asked him to throw it all away. In fact, if I remember right, I think I threw away much of it at that time. He thought I was nuts and being rediculous. He didn’t want me to throw it away and he began to experience a distancing from me at that point that ultimately led to him leaving me a couple years later.

Between that time of taking a stand with him and him leaving I fell for the fear tactics of the enemy who always threatened that I was holding back from my husband sexually since I wouldn’t watch porn anymore. I remember so clearly watching something with him once and saying, “I’m sorry. It just doesn’t do anything for me anymore.” I walked away sad that I had caved in, but glad to see that God had done a work in me that made pornography no longer alluring or exciting to me. The allure of those old chains were gone!

Now, the issue gets brought up on occasion with my husband (who returned to me after leaving although still an unbeliever and still himself poisoned by pornography) when he’ll bring up a pornographic thought or image with his words while we’re engaged in sex together. Each time God has just given me such grace for the moment. I find myself being more real with him, just telling him, “That’s not what I want, I just want you.” The more I rely on the innocent intimacy of my body and mind enjoying his (as God intended it), the more I can honestly say I don’t need or want those images to help me.

It’s hard for my husband to accept. My new innocence in this area is not alluring to him… once you’re doped up on the drug of porn, pure intimacy just doesn’t do the trick. But I’ve also found that when he does accept me in my purity in sex that he tastes something of God that God is using.

Heidi: What are the key ingredients for deliverance? Where can a desperate woman start to finding freedom?

Sharon: I believe you first have to recognize the pornography as the chains and poison they are and desperately desire deliverance. That truly is the beginning. When we cry out to God for deliverance we can know He desires that for us and will do it. When Israel was enslaved in Egypt God heard their cries and delivered them. When Israel was enslaved in Babylon (due to their own sin), God heard their prayers and delivered them. Whether it be our own choices or the choices of others that have got us bound by pornography, God will hear our cries for deliverance. But just as with Israel we must obey His word to us when He comes to deliver. For me that word was, “Confess it!” Both as sin before God and to others (some Christian I can trust).

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) ““Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you my be healed…” (James 5:16)

There is also a time of waiting on the Lord. Believe God’s word, that He is the one who delivers from the grip of sin, confess it as sin, and then wait on the Lord for the full manifestation of that true deliverance in your life.

During that time of waiting, needless to say there must be a stand taken to prevent the temptation to return to those images. Whether it be with telling your spouse, burning the videos, throwing away your computrer, whatever it takes. There has to be a “violent” stand that sets a chasm between you and that old poison. Also, during that time of waiting on the Lord flood your mind with the truth of God’s word. Occupy your time in reading and studying whether alone or in groups.

One of my favorite scriptures is Exodus 23:29-30:

“I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the beasts of the field become too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and you inherit the land.”

Remember that the work of driving out the enemy of pornography and sexual perversion from the land of life in a sexual relationship as God intended it is a “little by little” work. God’s deliverance is immediate. He has set us free through Christ, but on our end we see it little by little as we confess, obey and wash our minds with His word.

Heidi: Okay, tough question, the whole solo sex issue: When solo sex or self gratification is involved, the chemical activity in the brain is affected and this quickly creates addiction. Is it just enough to stop looking at images? I mean, how did you deal with the physical and chemical drive and push for physical satisfaction?

Sharon: For me, I began taking that “solo sex” dependency to my husband. When I began to have a desire for sex, I started thinking about my husband rather than those old images as God little by little delivered me from them. So when there’s a time that I have a desire for sex and my husband isn’t around, I write him a little note, or let him know as soon as I can that I’m “in the mood”.

And when we are engaged in an act together, I just have become more honest with him about what I need. I’ve learned to embrace, “The marriage bed is undefiled.” (Hebrews 13:4) God has delivered me from the bringing others into our bedroom, but He has also freed me to engage in sex with my husband. There’s a lot of playground room within the bounds of marriage for sex. It does not include others or any other dependency upon perversion, but the exploration and use of each others bodies for pleasing each other is wide open and blessed by God. “Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!” (Song of Solomon 5:1b)

Heidi: This issue isn’t just about pornography. Women can also engage in romance novel reading, fantasizing, TV viewing, etc that also feeds images to the mind. Basically, we can create our own mental pornography. Once those images are there, they are imprinted on the brain. Was the battle for you primarily a mental one (looking at images)? A physical one (solo sex)? And how do you fight this long term battle?

One has to let the Spirit of God search them and see if there be any wicked way in them that He might lead them in the everlasting way (Psalm 139:23-24) Whatever it is that causes a woman to move away from purity and oneness with her husband is a deviation from the path that God has for her to flourish in when it comes to sex or any other area of life. For me the battle was mental (looking at images or pulling them up in my mind) and physical (seeking pleasure outside of union with my husband).

Long term there has to be a continual pressing forward in faith: desiring deliverance, believing its found in Christ, obeying His instructions, taking a clear and radical stand against anything that hinders or entagles you from pressing forward in the race set before you, confessing your sin as sin, and letting your mind be washed with God’s word.

Heidi: One other question I have is in regards to the healthy sexual relationship with your husband. Is it possible to have a “normal”, fulfilling (i.e. orgasmic) relationship with your spouse without engaging in fantasies, image retrieval, and the like, after you have struggled with sexual perversion and it's accompanying behaviors?

Sharon: One of my favorite verses is:

“For the LORD will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the LORD; Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody.” – Isaiah 51:3

I love it cause it speaks to our God’s ability and pleasure in taking what seems a “waste place” and making it into a garden of Eden! YES, you can have a “normal” fullfilling sexual relationship with your spouse! God can do anything, no matter the extent of damage or death in that area! Our God is able.

I think it’s important to know a couple things though.

1. Our expectations of what is normal may be keeping us from experiencing what God would have for us. For many years I was unable to orgasm due to the damage of pornography. In the last couple years though the Spirit has made it clear to me that orgasm is not the definition of “normal” or fulfilling sex with my husband, but enjoying each other and pleasuring each other is.

For me, this meant letting go of expecting orgasm. I know that professionals probably say that sex without orgasm isn’t normal. But when I embraced the freedom to just “play” with my husband innocently, without laying the expectation of orgasm on myself, I was really fullfilled by our time together. And you know what, sometimes I orgasmed, sometimes I didn’t.

2. Secondly heaven isn’t found in the bedroom although it can come pretty close. I think its not only important to release ourselves from heavy expectations and just pleasure and enjoy our spouses bodies and touch to the greatest degree that we can. But we must remember that although God is able to make an Eden out of our waste place, ultimately that Eden is not on this side of heaven. We might get tastes of it here, but the ultimate fullfillment of all we long to be is when we see our Savior.

I always think of Abraham. Hebrews says that although Abraham obeyed God and went out to receive the inheritance God promised him, not knowing where he was going, he dwelt in that promised land by faith, “…as in a foreign country… for he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God.” (Hebrews 11:8-10) God can and will give us much of the redeemed life in the Spirit He calls us to, in many areas, even the area of sexual intimacy with our spouses, as we obey and walk by faith in those areas. But ultimately we must dwell in the marriages we are in by faith, as in a foreign country, waiting for the city God has made.

What I’m saying is, enjoy each other, play innocently with each other, don’t lay heavy expectations on each other, and believe that in every way, your ulitmate fullfillment is found in the new creature you are in Christ and will fully be when you see Him face to face.

Repost from the archives