"The Big O" Q & A

A woman's inability to experience what I call "The Big O" is one of the top five reasons why couples seek out a sex therapist. The Big O can really be a Big Deal. Thanks to the visuals on Patty's last post, we all know that The Big O is not referring to Oprah! :)

Today we've got Marla Taviano with us, author of the book "Is That All He Thinks About? How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband." Marla is a wife, mom, author, speaker, and zoo tourist! She is here to answer some questions about The Big O.

Marla, you have a chapter in your book about women and orgasms. How big of a deal is this among women?

Oh, orgasms are a pretty big deal. Even if they're not to you, they probably are to your husband. And I'm not talking about his—I'm talking about yours. Based on the anonymous (and unscientific) surveys for my book, most couples who aren't both regularly experiencing orgasm feel like something is missing in their sex life.

So how do you answer the question, "Are orgasms overrated?"

Are orgasms overrated? In a way, perhaps. Yes, you can still enjoy sex without reaching orgasm. A sexual experience without a climax is not a "failure." Sex is a complete and intimate experience, not just a mindless race to a goal. As author Tim Alan Gardner stresses, oneness, not orgasm, should be the goal of sex. That said, orgasms are still a fabulous frosting on the proverbial sexual cake.

Does God really care whether or not women experience sexual climax?

Yes. And I have proof. It's called your clitoris. You were "fearfully and wonderfully made," and God designed you with a body part that serves no other purpose than bringing you to orgasm. When women tell me, "God didn't create me to receive pleasure. I'm just here to give it to my husband," I have to disagree. He invented the clitoris exclusively for a woman's (and consequently her husband's) sexual pleasure.

What are some of the hindrances to sexual climax/orgasm?

The overdue mortgage payment. The fight you just had with your mom. Your annoying neighbor. The milk you forgot to pick up at the grocery store. The overflowing laundry baskets in the closet. Anything and everything can be a hindrance to orgasm for a woman. The biggest obstacle? In a word (or two), our minds. We're easily distracted, easily irritated, easily overwhelmed, easily offended. If we can't focus on sex, if we can't stay in the zone, we're not going to be able to climax.

What are some things we can do to aid our enjoyment of sex (and help promote sexual climax)?

I hate to sound like a commercial, but I do hope you'll read the book! I can't possibly squeeze 55,000 words into 500, and the book is just chock full of ideas for helping you enjoy sex with your hubby. Here are my top three suggestions: 1.) Pray. Seriously. Ask God to help you and hubby spice things up. He'll answer your prayer. He wants that for you too. 2.) Carve out time for sex. Make it a priority. Turn off the TV. Put down your book. Leave the dishes on the counter. You have to make an investment of time in your sex life, or your busy schedule will crowd it right out. 3.) Think about sex more. Throughout the day, brainstorm ways you can creatively make love. Read books on sex (preferably from a godly perspective). Shop for new lingerie. Send your hubby teasing text messages at work. Most guys think about sex without trying. Most women have to work at it a bit.

Is it okay if women need "help" like manual stimulation in order to achieve orgasm? Is this a sign of deficiency? We get a Hollywood idea that climax should be quick and easy and frankly, it isn't always that way. But should it be?

Orgasms in Hollywood might be quick and easy, but so are divorces. Generally speaking, things that are effortless bring the least satisfaction. A great marriage (complete with great sex) is hard work, plain and simple. But when you pour your heart and soul into it—and start reaping the benefits—oh, baby, it's so worth it!

And I didn't really answer your first question, did I? Yes, it's okay if you need "help." Here's what's important—your attitude. Do you want to enjoy sex with your husband? Are you willing to give it your all, even when it's really tough? Is your marriage worth some blood, sweat and tears? Then don't you worry about anyone else and her orgasms. Just keep at it, girl.

Any other comments, tips, or findings you care to share about this topic?

You're not alone, friend. No matter what struggles you have when it comes to sex, there are women out there going through the exact same thing. You're not a wacko. You're not an anomaly. Everyone else's marriage bed is not perfect. And no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT, there is hope for you and your marriage. I believe that with all my heart.


To hear more of what Marla has to dish about the topic of sex, click here to view her book "Is That All He Thinks About?" Thanks Marla for being open about this topic and for your encouragement! We look forward to having you back again!