Generational Ruins

Today I’m continuing the Series “Under the Covers: Uncovering the Secrets of Female Sexuality.” If you are new to Adding Zest, you can catch up on past posts in this series by clicking here.

I’ve heard it said that your first three memories say a lot about who you are… and why. My very first memory is of a dog named Whiskey. Now he was our family dog but Lord knows why he was named Whiskey because there was absolutely no liquor allowed on the entire length of the family property, some 27 acres.

Maybe someone in my family had a secret wish and naming the dog was as close as they could come to getting near it.

In any case, in my first memory I am barefoot and running down our dirt lane with Whiskey in hot pursuit. I’m sure now the dog was trying to play, but at three or four, I was convinced he was out to devour me from the toenails up!

My second memory is just as frightening. It involved childhood abuse, which occurred the summer after I turned four. While my experience with abuse only lasted one summer and was mild compared to that of many others, it created patterns of relating to others such as approaching relationships with hesitation, distrust, and fear. Oftentimes I would withdraw and not relate at all.

Unfortunately, you needn’t experience sexual abuse to learn unhealthy patterns of relating. We all learn patterns of relationship and intimacy during childhood. According to the "experts," being parented by emotionally unavailable adults or adults with an impaired ability to provide healthy nurturing is a common cause of “bad” patterns.

Okay, so where in the world am I going with this?

Well, obviously, if we tend to withdraw or run from healthy intimacy, it can affect our desire and capacity for sexual intimacy. To change these patterns of relating, we have to go back to the building blocks of intimacy.

In Nehemiah 2: 12-15 we see the first step in rebuilding an area of ruins is to give those ruins an honest assessment. For a long time, I didn’t realize there were “ruins” that comprised my foundation simply because I thought my upbringing was normal. Sure, everything looked good from the outside. I was taught how to put on “Christian” appearances, never realizing it only masked the ruins that lay under the surface.

As the word of God began to penetrate my life and heart, over time these origins of decay were exposed. I saw that those “good” appearances have been in place for many generations..and so have the ruins.

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins…they will repair the desolations of many generations.” Isaiah 58:12 and 61:4

The verses above describe the kind of ruins that are “ancient” and present for “many generations.” Intimacy Disorder fits this type of ruin. That's where we pass on the relationship patterns we learned from others.

The good news is that as an adult empowered by the Spirit of God, I can make a different choice. I can either allow the cycle to continue and pass on poor patterns of relationship to my children, or I can start the rebuilding process. God is favorable to rebuilders, by the way!! It is not easy work, but it is worth it, both for us and our husbands and children.

One key way of revisiting our ruins is via memories. This allows us to “see” and recognize ways in which we were taught to run from relationship, intimacy, and connection (both with God and others), rather than towards it. Our memories can illuminate patterns of detachment from others that were passed down to us. We can then see how we continue the cycle in our own habits and behaviors, allowing us to start rebuilding.

Examining the ruins via memories can be painful. It may mean acknowledging imperfections and losing an over- inflated view of others that we once held. It may mean letting go of idealism and facing hurtful truths. But examining the ruins is essential because it involves one key element: truth.

If you think there may be some ruins you need to examine, let me add a word of caution. The goal of revisiting the ruins is not to become self-absorbed, to pity self, or to build self esteem missed in childhood. The goal is to see the truth of our past and to move on. Nehemiah took 1 night to examine the ruins and did so without fanfare and attention. This tells me that we need to be honest, face the reality of our situation, but do so discreetly and without lingering.

Finally, if you take on this challenge, you may find it helpful to jot down key descriptions as you revisit memories, such as “feelings of being unwanted” or “left to raise self” or “loss of control” or “adults around me emotionally shut down.” This will help in the weeks ahead as we work on clearing out the rubble and rebuilding the waste places.

As always, you are welcome to leave comments here or email me as you work through this process. Next time we will look at the next step!

“You will be called Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of the Streets to Dwell In.” Isaiah 58:12