A Slow Fade

We'd like to welcome Julia Golightly to Adding Zest today. She has a message for us about some things many of us would just as soon not think about--but if we don't, there could be great consequences.

Within the first three months of our marriage we took the 5 Love Languages test (by Dr. Gary Chapman). I wasn't surprise to find one of my husband's love languages was physical touch. I can't leave the room, even if it's only to get a drink, without my husband touching me. Most of the time it wasn't even sexual touch, just reaching out to touch my hand as I passed by.

I was, however, surprised to learn that words of affirmation was his second love language. Since we married at 18, I hadn't learned yet that a man needs to feel that he has a purpose (i.e. being good at his job, his importance to the family--being needed there). I also hadn't ever thought of men needing to hear how good looking they are or how good they are in bed.

In the beginning I tried, but over the years I slowly stopped actively trying to love him with his languages and started loving him with mine, acts of service. Years went by without me intentionally trying to love him with his love language and feeling like all the things I did to make his life easier were proof of how I felt for him.

For years my husband was quietly yearning to hear from me. To know that I liked his new hair cut. To feel like I thought he was handsome. To hear how amazing I thought he was in bed, and so on. I felt all of those but was only sharing it sporadically, hardly at all, and therefore his need for his kind of love was going unmet. He felt as if he was disappearing. That he didn't matter anymore. He felt ugly and unwanted by the person he loved the most. And that left the door to disaster wide open for Satan to walk through.

“You have big juicy lips. I wonder what it's like to suck them.” Those are the words that changed our lives forever. She was just some girl from work. No one special. Truthfully, he never liked her. She was nothing like him. He is hardworking and driven while she is spoiled and arrogant. But because I had neglected him for years he felt unattractive to me and here was someone who desired him.

Satan put her right where he knew my husband was the weakest. My husband had no intentions of an affair but he hadn't felt wanted or handsome for so long. Foolishly, he believed he was strong enough to only flirt, to do something to make him feel good. But as the song says 'it's a slow fade' and black and white turned to gray.

Satan moved mightily in our marriage. There were things along the way that could have saved us. A large one being for me to nurture my husband's love and needs.

I beg of you not to be so arrogant to believe that it wont happen to you and your husband. Those were our thoughts. You may be thinking that I don't know your husband, that he would never do such a thing, but I must say it never would have been expected of mine. Devoted, doting, hardworking, dedicated father, Christian, seeker of God, and in the ministry.

I encourage you to have the tough conversations this very day. Ask if he is temped by anything or anyone. A few uncomfortable conversations may save your marriage. I never asked if he was tempted because I though we were better than that. I didn't pray for his purity because I didn't think it was necessary.  I didn't love him the way God would have wanted me to love him.