Silence Is {Not} Golden

I don't know about you, but there are days when I'm dying for some silence. Between the kids, the kitchen noise, the multiple stereos playing, the dog barking and just the normal noise of a family with seven members, some nights I crave silence more than chocolate ice cream...which is a whole lot. The problems come when I carry that silence too far—like into the bedroom. Too many times I expect my husband to know what I want or need without me telling him. Even after 20 years of marriage he still reminds me that he's not a mind-reader. (I have to admit that I'm glad he's not because my mind is not always a safe place to be! LoL)

For years I was silent. Not because my husband wanted me to be, but because I was stuck on mute. Some of the time I thought that my needs and feelings weren't important --NOT because my husband made me feel that way, but because I was so caught up taking care of everyone else—something women have a natural tendency to do! Some of the time it was easier for me to be silent and simply go with the flow rather than speak up, and as a result, we missed out on years of closeness—true intimacy. So, here's some things I've learned the hard way, and some things I've gathered from others.

When it comes to intimacy, silence is {not} golden!
I know that the focus of many posts has been making our husbands feel good sexually, but there's sooo much more to love and marriage than that. In fact, if that's as far as your love making goes, then you're both really missing out! That means that you need to speak up and communicate to your husband what you'd like to do, what feels good (and what doesn't) and how different things make you feel. Communication is a two-way street and you are responsible for speaking up and not just hoping he'll read your mind.

Remember, men are not only wired differently from women, but they think differently, too. It's how God made us, and even if we think it would be more romantic if they knew exactly what we needed and when, it's just not reality. I really think making love is a team sport. By working together the team wins, and any team coach will tell you a secret to a good team is their communication.

So what are some things we need to communicate with our husbands?
~What feels good and what doesn't.
~Positions.
~Something you'd like try...or skip trying.

Here are some things to remember when communicating.
~It's doesn't have to be all verbal. You can reposition his hand and use body language to let him know it feels really good right there or even just smile and say "Oh, yeah!"

~Frame things in a positive way every chance you can. Don't say "Not that way, you lunk head!" or "I hate it when..." or "Can't you..." or "You always..." Those phrases are negative and will raise his defenses right when you want all defenses down and the good feelings flowing. Instead, frame those things positively. "I love it when..." or "Could you..." or "How about...I think it would..."

Sometimes you can't get around a negative, but you can say it in a way that is less likely to raise his defenses, or not raise them so high. To do that, make the focus on how you're feeling. You can say "This makes me feel..." You just don't want to take pot shots at your man, especially when you're making love.

Communication is good for both of you!
When we stay silent about our needs and wants, we're denying not just ourselves, but our husbands, too. Ask for what you need. How does this benefit your husband? Well, if your needs are given attention, you might enjoy making love more, which means you might want to make love more often. It also helps him learn what you want and need and that helps him become a better lover. Now tell me, what man doesn't like being an ace at love making? It's a sure way to build his confidence and make him strut.

Another benefit is that when you communicate to your husband what feels good or something you'd like, you open the door to for him to communicate with you. Ask him what you can do to meet his needs better or what he would like to try sometime. Work together to incorporate both of your wants into love making. Sure that might mean you find yourself in a get-up that you never imagined wearing, or trying something that makes you say 'What?!' but that's okay because it's a two-way street. Your willingness will probably feed his willingness. But it's more than that. It becomes a sharing of desires, dreams and needs. And that sharing brings your intimacy to a higher level—you're not just sharing your bodies, you're sharing yourself.

So tell me,
what are some things you do to open communication?
What are some benefits of communicating?