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There are many things that can be said about this and I am not going to say them all right here. I am , however, going to give you a link in a moment to a site that does a superb job covering this topic.
But first, there is a distinction that needs to be made between masturbation and solo sex.
The first can occur in marriage between two partners in several forms. My personal belief is that this is totally acceptable. As long as it is being done as a marriage bed activity it is not wrong and in fact can be very useful to the sexual satisfaction of both parties.
This is in keeping with the overall teaching of scripture that sexual activity is pure and undefiled in the sight of God when it is between a man and a woman inside of the marriage bonds.
One of the goals of sex is intimacy. Connection. Attachment. Using masturbation in the marriage bed does not hinder this from being accomplished.
In contrast, solo sex is when a partner gratifies herself away from her spouse (by herself, which is why it is called “solo.”) There are several pitfalls with this, one of them being that it does not lead to intimacy, connection, or attachment with your spouse.
In fact, it could actually rob your marriage of these things. Here is where there is much to be said and I’m going to refer you to Mark Driscoll’s link and let him do the saying. This link is to chapter five of his book “Porn-Again Christian.”
I want to close with this thought from my personal life: When I start to wonder “Is this okay?” about something, I have found it extremely helpful to ask, “Does it promote intimacy with my husband, or does it make me self reliant?” “Does it bring me closer to my spouse or does it simply gratify me?” This is a key concept and once we are able to distinguish between the two, we are able to make excellent judgment in terms of what is okay and what is better left undone.
I wish I had had this insight going into marriage. It has taken me a long time to come to understand this about sex and its purposes. I pass this on because someone reading might be in a position to hear this and save themselves a lot of backtracking in the future.
It is not always the easy or convenient route but when I commit myself to building intimacy, I am sure to be adding zest where it really counts: between me and my lover.
Click here to read Mark Driscoll’s discussion on masturbation.
4 Zesters spoke up:
Great article. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for talking about this topic. So many of us were raised that it is always wrong, no matter what.
I'd like to add though, that this needs to be talked about between the partners. In our marriage, it's not okay.
Thank you for this. It is a relief to realize that others see this as okay in the context of marriage.
You're so right! This IS something that needs to be talked over because it's not for everyone. Very good point! It's worth finding out if you don't already know.
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