CheeriOs...and More

Okay, ladies! Do you remember the hOmework from a few weeks agO in The Best Marriage Advice? In that pOst I just hinted at what we're gonna start talking about today...the big O.

Men, for the mOst part, have nO problem reaching orgasm, and sometimes their problem is taking off too soon. But yannO, as women, we really got the long end of the stick on this deal. *wink* When we orgasm, it can be for more than just the few short seconds the men get.

But what if you can't orgasm? Are you doomed to forever having an incomplete alphabet? NO, I dOn't think sO.

When you first started cooking, how did you do? Did your first dish turn out like a gourmet meal? I know mine sure didn't! In fact, I've been cooking for a couple of decades and I still dOn't turn out gourmet dishes, let alOne gourmet meals. It takes practice and experimentation to make gourmet. SO why do we hOpe and even expect to have big orgasms without similar practice and experimentation?

Just like we learn to cook gourmet, we can learn to orgasm. For some of us, who are not cooks and who do not like cooking (like me!), that isn't the best of news. But that doesn't mean that we can just pass this Over and settle for instant, tasteless frOzen dinners, nor is this something we can hand off to our husbands. We are responsible for our Own orgasms. Not our husbands. Sure, they are involved, and love it, but we can't just dump it in their laps and blame them if they dOn't get the O response we were hOping for.

There's oodles of things that can stop or hinder an orgasm, but rather than fOcus on them, let's move on to what we can do to encourage and find an orgasm.

One of thOse things is remembering that God gave us sex to enjoy, that sex is a gift. For some of us, that just plain gOes against everything in our experience and it's hard to move on from there. But we can do it. With God's help we can do it. And it IS with God's help as we deliberately remove our Old thinking and replace it with remembering God's gift to us. As we think on what is true, honorable and right, not to mention what was lovely, like we talked about in Tickle the Ivory, we embrace God's goodness.

Another thing to remember is the gOal--is it just having sex or is it making love? If it's making love then orgasm isn't necessary. Sure, it's nice, but it's not needed to reconnect in that deep way that loving does. Love is sO much more than just a momentary orgasm, and thinking that we need to orgasm is a good way to hinder one—which we dOn't want to do. We want to relax and allow the feelings and emOtions to flOw. All the feelings—physical and emOtional.

Remember our hOmework from a couple weeks agO? We were to pay attention and find out what lights our fire, or what makes us the tiniest bit warm, or even something that sends up a smOke signal. What did you learn? And even more—did you communicate to your husband what you learned (or already knew)? This is a really important point! If you knOw what heats you up, and you dOn't tell him, how is he gonna make the mOst of the information and situation? You'll bOth end up frustrated, which is not a the desired gOal. Communication during loving is a gift you can give each other, and one you really dOn't want to skimp on.

Be generous and loving with your communication and the gift will be multiplied Over time.

Just like we need to practice and experiment, we need to exercise! This one is actually easier than letting your hubby knOw what feels good, and you can do this anytime and anywhere. Even when you pull a box of Kellogg's out of the cabinet in the morning.

Girls, Kegels are better than Kellogg's! You can do them with three meals a day and never tire of them. What are Kegels? It's exercising your PC muscles—nO, not your personal computer muscles, your vagina muscles. ThOse are the muscles that stop and start the flOw of urine, sO they're easy to find and exercise. Contract the muscle, hold it for a few seconds and release. Do that 10 times to begin with, several times a day, and then you can increase the number from there. Why would you want to exercise that muscle? It not only allows you to squeeze your husband's penis tighter, but it helps you on your way to becoming more orgasmic.



SO, add some Snap, Crackle and Pop into your love life by doing Kegels with your Kellogg's and give that ivory a massage that'll make him want second helpings!

Vroom Vroom!

One of the books my kids love me to read to them is "The Berenstain Bears and the Big Road Race." It is a story about 4 fancy race cars and a simple putter car named Little Red. The book tells how Little Red's determination helps him win the race against the fancy cars.

When we first marry, most of us have a sex life like those fancy race cars (think Lightening McQueen: Vroom, Vroom, Roar!)

But as time goes on, kids come along, pressures and responsibilities increase, and our engines tend to lose their steam. The key to going the distance long term is not in how we start out, but in keeping our engines tuned and in great condition (well oiled and gassed up!)

So here's our current poll question: In Road Race terms, how would you describe your current sex life? Vroom, Vroom!, Steady in High Gear, Middle of the Road, Put-Put, or Stalled. Make sure to vote in the sidebar!

The Point

It wasn’t long after takeoff that he knew he had a problem. He radioed control for viable options. None of the options given would work. He was on his own and would have to do something bold, courageous, and difficult.

“My physical response to the stress was strong,” he later said, “but I knew I could do it.”

I believe there comes a time in each of our lives when we are like Captain Sully, who in January of this year landed a 60 ton passenger plane in the Hudson River. One hundred and fifty five lives depended on his skill and determination and he did not let them down. We likewise come to a point in our lives (sometimes of crisis) where we know drastic measures have to be taken.

Furthermore, we understand that we are the one to take them. We are the one at the helm and we will either fight for our lives and the lives of those on board, or we will cave to the fear and pressure, ignore the inevitable outcome, and simply hope for the best.

The key to survival lies in realizing God’s promise and our personal role in affecting the outcome.

There is a biblical example of arriving at this point and the balance between God’s provision and our personal responsibility. In Numbers 13-14, the Israelites came to the edge of their promised land. They sent in spies to check out the situation and an alarming report came back: although the land was good, it was inhabited by giants and fraught with danger.

Like Captain Sully, the Israelite’s physical response to the news was strong. Numbers 14:1 says the Israelites cried and wept and carried on in hopelessness. Unfortunately, unlike Sully, they never got a grip and allowed their faith to rise to the challenge. They never reminded themselves that because God had promised them this land, they could take it.

History tells the tragic outcome. Their carcasses fell right there in the wilderness. They never made it to their promised land and their children wandered around their dried bones for 40 years. When the children reached their own point of decision, praise God, they didn't follow in their parent's footsteps. They exercised faith and forged ahead, one stronghold and obstacle at a time.

I’ve shared before that for many years of marriage I thought a “good” sex life with my husband was good enough. I didn’t think it necessary to address the underlying issues that caused an occasional warning light or technical difficulty. In truth, I was ignoring the severity of the situation and refusing to take possession of the promised land.

Then one night, The Indicator sounded off and I knew it couldn’t be ignored any longer. I knew trying to change or tweak my behavior wasn’t enough. I had to get to the core of what was going on and take responsibility to move into the territory God had promised…or I and my household would fall right where we stood.

When taking our promised land (in sexuality or in anything), we are faced with three aspects of who we are: our behaviors, our beliefs, and our bedrock. “Fixing” behaviors alone is not enough, nor is it lasting. Christ desires to change the foundation of who we are, and when that happens, the beliefs and behaviors change as well.

Our bedrock is mostly shaped in childhood and early adulthood…which means it is shaped by the hands of others. Poor parenting, neglect, abuse, loss, trauma, social and peer issues, even a legalistic and works based religious environment can all shape our bedrock for future fault lines. Some of us have healthy bedrocks and don’t need a complete remodeling. Others of us however (like myself), come with a bedrock of ruins and need a complete rebuilding.

From here on out, we are going to focus on rebuilding the bedrock in real, practical steps. The key is in balancing God’s provision and promise with our responsibility. He has promised all that we need. He has provisions for every obstacle…but that doesn’t mean we just sit. We have to actively move forward in faith and “see the salvation of the Lord.”

Today I will leave you with a scripture and a question. When it came time for Zerubbabel to rebuild the temple, God told him, “I know what remains seems to be a worthless nothing. Yet now be strong, O Zerubbabel, and work! For I am with you! I will fill this temple with glory.” (See Haggai 2:1-9)

Even if our sexuality lies in ruins, God has promised to be with us. It may seem beyond repair, but God says "I will fill My temple with glory." That's you, my friend. You are God's temple and His desire is to fill you with glory. We've got some work cut out for us in rebuilding the ruins, but like Captain Sully, we can do it! We've got God's promise and His provision for the task.

My question for you is, Do you have a healthy bedrock or is some remodeling in order? Have you come to the point in your life where you are ready to rebuild the ruins?

Poll Results

I am so impressed with the voting on the bra poll that we had going the other week! You zesty chics are great! I have to admit, I watched the poll all week and loved seeing the votes. So, do you wanna know the results? :-)

The first column is the results for 'What kind of bra do you wear?' and the second column is for 'What kind of bra would you be?'

Wear: -- Bra type: -- Be:

5 (7%)......What bra?.................6 (10%)
12 (17%)...Push up..................10 (18%)
6 (8%).....Demi cup.................10 (8%)
20 (29%)...Full coverage.............0
5 (7%).....T-shirt bra...............1 (1%)
9 (13%)....Playtex 18 hour support...3 (5%)
2 (2%).....Sheer.....................4 (7%)
11 (16%)...Lace.....................20 (36%)
2 (2%).....Unlined...................0
15 (22%)...Lightly Lined.............1 (1%)
11 (16%)...Padded....................0


Okay, it's confession time for me.
When I was preparing that poll I had to do research to find out what kind of bras there are. I was amazed at all the choices! Wow! Normally, when I go shopping I'm on a conquer mission--especially when it comes to bras and undies. I know what I like and I count my blessings if I can find what I'm looking for in my size—and I get bonus points for finding things fast. LoL

So, for that poll I went browsing online at Victoria's Secret. Then, just to make sure about things, I sent my boys to electronics while I ducked into the the undie aisles at WallyWorld (the big department store I do most of my shopping at) and looked around—something I hadn't done recently. I discovered a whole new world! Wow. The next time I go undie shopping I'll be planning more time so I can find some fun stuff!

When the bra poll was up I learned a few things. *grin* I learned I wasn't the only one that didn't know what all the different kinds of bras were! I also learned that many of us would be a different kind of bra than what we generally wear. Hmmmmmm. That really interested me!

As a group, we leaned toward wanting to be the sexier bras—which makes me think that we would like to be sexier women than just good ol' utilitarian kind of gals. Now don't get me wrong—utilitarian is good! I'm a utilitarian kind of girl, personally. BUT. LoL. But, that only covers so many things and only goes so far before I want some lace or sheer. And those particular things seem to scream feminine. I mean, how many men do you see sporting lace these days? And I don't remember seeing any men in sheer clothing, either.

Since many of us would like to be a sexier bra, does that affect our thinking and actions? Do we allow ourselves to think sexy or act sexy around our husbands?

280109. 020 Originally uploaded by fonepixer

The bra poll also made me realize I've settled into a rut.

Isn't that a lovely thought? Not. I know what kind of bra I like, what I'm comfortable in, and I go straight to that shelf in the store. I find my size and hightail it out of there. I don't look around. I don't see what's available to me. I grab and go. And that seems to be the story of my life sometimes. Grab and go. Whether it's shopping, cooking, cleaning, spending time with my kids, or visiting with friends. Grab and go. Even with my husband.

Now, there is a time to just grab and go, but when we've made it a habit, as I have, we need to slow down and linger. That means getting out of our rut and being willing to try something new. And this is the crux of the matter today.

Take a good look at yourself—what is your choice of bras telling you about yourself? Anything?

Are you in a rut?
Are we willing to try new things?

Our First ZesTea Talk

Wohoo! Welcome to our first ever ZesTea Talk! We are so excited about this feature! Why? Because Heidi and I are on this road with you and we don't have all the answers.

But first, I forgot to mention in our Hostess Note that we've added some very important 'We believe' statements to Our Purpose tab. Be sure to check them out. Also, Heidi's post yesterday is a must-read. You really don't want to miss it!

So here's how ZesTeaTalk works—We'll toss out a topic and you, our darling Zesty Chicks, can discuss it. Tell us what you know from experience—whether your own or some one else's. If you've read a book that touches on the topic—tell us! (and if you found it helpful.) Share your thoughts and your questions!

ZesTea Talk is a round table discussion so we can pool our knowledge and insights and help answer each other's questions. --A girlfriends resource, so to speak.

Things to remember when participating in ZesTea Talk:
~ We want to stay God-honoring in all we say.
~ You can leave anonymous comments if you're more comfortable with that.
~ Follow the comments and interact with each other.
{To follow the comments either click the “Email follow up comments to...” button on the comments screen OR, in the side bar there's a feed for comments you can use OR you can just come back and see what people are saying. :) }

And now for this week's topic!

I have to admit, I decided to start with a seemingly easy topic to break the ice with. I looooove the topics suggested and we will get to them, I promise...but not today.

Today is Menopause.

I'm telling ya, just the word makes me want to run away! My hormones have been really whacked out at times and it's about the worst thing ever—and even though my husband was very understanding of ALL that entailed, he didn't enjoy that time either.

I know some of us have gone through menopause—on our own or 'induced,' and there are those who are entering menopause—some of us are entering it early (oh the joys) and some of us aren't even close. LoL. But I really think this is relevant to all of us because our bodies change and our hormones seem to change even faster than our bodies (or is it just me?) and we need to be prepared—as much as we can be.

So my Zesty Chicks, let's talk about menopause and the ins and outs of living with it and especially loving with it. Tips. Tricks. Books. Ideas. Questions (so others can offer some answers or ideas!). Thoughts. Experiences. What's worked for you? What's worked for your sister or friend? What does NOT work?

We want to hear it!! :-) :-)

Warning! Serious Territory Ahead

I’ve been working on this post for several days and each time I try to compose it, it flops. It just hasn’t been jiving, know what I’m sayin'? So yesterday I got up early and asked the Lord to show me what was missing.

He answered with something that I never expected and that’s what I’m going to share today. I personally have been giving this some serious thought and I hope you will do the same.

In my last post, we saw from James 1 that God’s law = perfect liberty.

I love the picture on Patty’s post below because God’s law is like those train rails- stay on them and they take us to spiritual abundance and intimacy with God. The law isn’t a fence meant to box us in or get us to perform or do things God’s way just for the sake of it. God’s principles are the path (i.e. the rails) to life, liberty, and blessing.

The problem comes when we turn from God’s principles. When it comes to sex, some of us may be living with sexual sins and perversions. Others of us may be withholding from our spouses. Still others of us may be living with deep fears that affect our intimacy. For many more of us, we are simply settling for second best and not making sex a priority or opportunity for connection with our husbands and with God.

Do you know what each of these hindrances is called? Idolatry. This is what the Lord answered me with and whoa Nelly! I thought that was pretty strong!

After all, aren’t some of our reasons legitimate? Take fear for example. I shared last time that my fear of being rejected and of failure causes me to self-protect. But hey, it’s just a fear, right?

Wrong. God calls it idolatry.

When I give in to self-protection, I am more concerned with my comfort than I am doing things God’s way. I trust “my own understanding” more than I trust God’s principles for intimacy. I value my own protection more than I trust God’s intentions for me.

Another example: A woman who is sexually unfulfilled and frustrated in her marriage turns to sexual sin for fulfillment and release. She knows God’s principles but she is too afraid that she won’t have an outlet if she gives it up.

Can you see the idol here?

It is not enough just to know what is right and wrong. This knowledge doesn’t empower. We are empowered by our core beliefs and values. When my highest value is emotional protection, it becomes an idol that empowers and drives my behavior.

On the other hand, when I believe what God says about intimacy and trust that those principles will keep me steaming down the tracks to spiritual abundance, I am empowered by that faith and am able to pattern my lifestyle and habits around it.

This is neither easy nor automatic, but it’s what we call “walking by faith.” It is a discipline that begins in the mind.

Patty has done a great job giving us some mental images (!) of what our sex life should be like with our mates. It should be exciting, joyous, pure, and intimate.

My question for you today is, Is there any idol in your heart that is preventing you from experiencing all God meant sex to be?

Here are a few things I see in my own heart. Each of them has been a value and can become an idol if I don’t allow God’s principles to over-value them:

-Desire to stay in control
-Fears (ALL sorts of them!)
-Self-protection
-Pleasure/ sexual gratification
- Self-absorption/ selfishness
-Hurt
-Unforgiveness
-Desire for stimulation and excitement

Girlfriends, the word for today is strong, but it is life giving. If we hold an idol in our heart, we will never be able to move on until it is removed.

Gideon provides a fine example of this. Before God sent him into the battle where He brought about a crushing defeat of the enemy (with a mere 300 men!) God told him to tear down the altar and the idol that his father had built. On top of those ruins, he was to build an altar to the Lord.

“Now on the same night the Lord said to him, “…Pull down the altar of Baal which
belongs to your father, and cut down the Asherah that is beside it. Then build an altar to the Lord your God on the top of this stronghold in an orderly manner.” Judges 6:25-26

Victory comes after we deal with the idols and strongholds, my friend. Some of our idols were erected early in our lives through the hands of others. We still have to tear them down.

In their place, we are to build an altar to the Lord in an “orderly manner.” There is a process to this and we are going to walk through it step by step. Amazingly, this is what this whole "Under the Covers" series was intended for from the start. From the ruins of our sexuality, we will see an altar, a temple, a cathedral being constructed within us to the glory of God!

And by the way, Gideon’s story tells us that our homes and world will never be the same for it. Praise God!

I’m at my word limit for today, but I just want to say that you won’t want to miss Monday’s post. A very special lady will be here to share her story of how she tore down her stronghold through Christ and how she is rebuilding her temple. Don’t miss it!

God bless you, my friend! Let's tackle those strongholds!

Tickle the Ivory!

Train engine Uploaded by tilton.davis

Our minds act like the engines of trains—wherever the engine goes, the rest of the train follows. We know this is true and demonstrate it every time we get aggravated over something past, something that's old and that we don't need to be wasting our time on. But there's definitely an upside to this—a good set of tracks to be on.

Have you read Song of Solomon lately? I've read it many times and I knew it was steamy, but this time through I really saw it. Who-ey! That Shulamith girl was HOT. Steam billowed from her with every turn of the page. She knew a good thing when she saw it and she didn't stop there with just knowing—she kept hitting the replay button. She let her mind linger on just how wonderful her man was—inside and out, but especially outwardly.

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. ~Philippians 4:8 (NAS)

THIS is what Shulamith did. She thought on what was true and honorable and right, not to mention what was lovely. Her husband's body was beautiful to her and she camped out there, right on that point. And God put it in the Bible! Steam and all.

That girl enjoyed sex.
No, I don't think that's true.
She loooooved making love with her husband! So how did she get so lucky while some of us seemed to miss out on that gift? Was it luck? No. Some of it was her mind.

So many times we're content to remember and think about the inner attributes of our man—and those things are so very important, and that helps us keep our attitude good toward him, but we need to take it a step further. We need to let ourselves think about his body, every inch of his body. Shulamith sure did! (Check out Song of Solomon 5:10-16)

His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite.
His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires.
~Song of Solomon 5:14 (NIV)

Ébano y Marfil Uploaded by Mr. janhe_10

Girls, our English translation doesn't do this verse justice. Here's what the book Intimate Allies says:
Most English translations hesitate in this verse. The Hebrew is quite erotic, and most translators cannot bring themselves to bring out the obvious meaning. The smooth and expensively ornamented tusk of ivory is a loving description of her husband's penis.

Wowzers! Someone turn on the fan!

We're not to just think about his wonderful broad shoulders and hairy chest. We're given the example of a wife thinking about her husband's penis--emphasis here on her husband's! And as she lovingly thought about her husband's body, she became more physically excited.

She found herself getting more in the mood for loving!

Oh! Now there's something all of us can relate to! Getting in the mood for loving. And you know, what worked for Shulamith just might work for us.

One of our very own Zesty Chics said this: “Where the mind goes the body follows. It was a good thing for me to remember during the day. If I wanted my body to want to go "there" at night...I had better make sure my mind went there during the day. Fantasizing about my hubby...its a good thing! :) ”

ivory_08 Uploaded by Al Q

Loving our husbands physically is honorable, right, pure and lovely. And what does the Bible say to do with those things? Think about them! Dwell on them! That way when your man comes home to you, you've built some anticipation within yourself and you have a head start, which is a very good thing! Sometimes that head start will enable you to feel and enjoy the loving more—physically, not just in your heart and mind. Thinking about how your body responds to your husband's also falls in the category of honorable, right, pure and lovely—let those thoughts and feelings run through your mind, too.

So go ahead girls, think about tickling that ivory, and keep hitting the replay button in your mind and see how that works for getting you in the mood for some love songs. ;-) And when the music begins, don't forget to pay attention to the good feelings. Pay close attention!

Behind the Scenes: A Message From Your Hostesses

Hello my darling Zesters! This past month has been unlike any other time in my life, and I want to share a little of it with you, my zesty chicks. You know that God called Heidi and me to start this blog. And you know that a lot of prayer has gone into it. But what you might not know is how things have been working behind the scenes here at Adding Zest, and that's what I want to share because it's a testimony of how great our God is and how He cares for all the little details we (okay, I) tend to get hung up on.

God has teamed us up, and even though we're on opposite sides of the world—literally, we're side-by-side on everything we've had to make decisions about. And I mean everything.

When one of us emails the other with a hesitant idea—hesitant because we feel like we're being completely crazy—the other writes back bouncing off the walls. Why? Because God had given them the same idea, or one very similar.

This happened on Friday. I had sent a verse to Heidi that Amy Bayliss had read at the A Woman Inspired conference and when she read it, my heart stood up and screamed “YES!!! THAT'S IT!! That's what we're doing at Zest!” It was truly a God-moment, loud and clear and in full-color. So I sent that verse to Heidi, and my little computer vibrated with her joy and enthusiasm when her email pinged back to me. It was the same theme God had given her a few weeks ago.

THIS is what's been going on behind the scenes here at Adding Zest! And it's feeding our excitement. We're so glad you're joining us on this journey.

I'll let Heidi explain more...

Since starting this blog, there has been much behind the scenes work, prayer, and communication. Patty and I think it is important to share some of what has transpired because it all points to one thing: God has a plan for you!

The bottom line? God wants you to experience freedom, joy, and fruitfulness. Someway, somehow, He is calling us to address this issue of sexuality as a door to promote freedom and fruitfulness as we were created to experience.

Over the past few months, God has instructed Patty and I regarding the direction of this blog and He independently and individually impressed on us His goal. The theme He has given us is "Rebuilding the Ruins."

Many of us have experienced sexual shame, sin, addictions, and abuse. Many others of us have experienced trauma, loss, legalistic and authoritative backgrounds, and much more. The result of these factors is the same: we live with fears and beliefs that affect our capacity for intimacy (sexual and non-sexual). In some cases, we are repeating in our homes, parenting, and lives what was passed down to us from our parents and their parents before them.

As you can see, this is about more than just sex. Yet our sexual lives deeply reflect these issues and affect our husbands, homes, and ministries, robbing them of becoming all they are meant to become. Since sex is so powerful an experience, it also has the capability of getting us "stuck" in these second best patterns. Fortunately, for the same reason, it has the capability of getting us "unstuck," praise God!

If you are reading this blog, then I believe God has a specific purpose for you. It is stated in Isaiah 61:4

"Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins. They will raise up the former devastations. They will repair the ruined cities, the desolations of many generations."

The purpose God has for you is to rebuild the ruins and/or to help others rebuild theirs. In some cases such as mine, these are ruins that may have been in family lines for many generations. Your sexuality is part of it, as is your whole being. As we learn to open up through giving and receiving intimacy and serving our spouses through our sexuality, we will find ourselves empowered and changing in other areas as well.

One last thought I think is important to mention is that the goal of all this is not for ourselves. It is not just so that we can have more joy and freedom in life. It is not just so our families can be happier and healthier. It is ultimately for God's glory to be manifested to a world in need of transforming hope. Exekiel 36:36, another verse God gave Patty and I says it this way:

"Then the nations that are left round about you will know that I, the Lord, have rebuilt the ruined places and planted that which was desolate. I, the Lord, have spoken and I will do it."

The result of "Rebuilding the Ruins" is one that points others to an Almighty God and affects many, many others for generations to come. Want to be a part of that? I sure do!! Stick with us, help spread the word, and please pray for us as we seek God's face in fulfilling His purpose for this blog.

We love you, zesty chicks!

Girlfriends to the Rescue!

Alright girlfriends, here's the deal. There have been several recurring themes brought up in the comments and Patty and I aren't the best chicks to tackle them. Things like addressing the challenges of menopausal sex. Well, maybe Patty could do that one, I don't know! {Sorry Patty, you're such a good sport I couldn't resist! :)}

Anyhow! A main reason we started this blog stems from our belief that one of our greatest resources is each other. So we need all zesty chicks to pull together and share knowledge.

Here's our idea: We will regularly throw out a topic/question that you bring up and then let everyone share their tricks of the trade, thus benefiting us all. Kind of like a "Works for My Marriage Bed" instead of a "Works for Me Wednesday."

Some topics already on the table are:
- Menopausal Love Making
- Chronic Illness and Love Making
- Tips for Achieving Sexual Climax
- What about when he's not interested?

We will throw out the first topic soon, but what we need from you right now is questions and topics you'd like to hear from other zesty chicks on. It can be anything related to sex (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc) and you can comment anonymously.

I for one am looking forward to learning from you! Can't wait to hear what you zesty ladies are up to! :)

Full Exposure

I consider myself to be one of the most blessed women on the planet.

Not only am I redeemed by God’s grace, I’ve also got a husband who is head over heels, crazy nuts about me, even after 15 years of marriage. Others see it. Over the years I’ve had numerous people comment to me, “Your husband sure is crazy about you!”

And it’s true. John is passionate about me. Passionate, unashamed, and unrestrained.

Whew!!!

Of course this passion can’t help but be expressed in the marriage bed, but I’m not even primarily talking about sexual passion. I’m speaking of a passion that goes much deeper than sex, a passion that fully accepts, embraces, and pursues all of me.

It is not afraid of the dark corners.

It doesn’t just want what it can get.

It wants to consume me, swallow me up, and it invites me to reciprocate. It is an invitation to truly become one.

So what’s the problem? Isn’t this what every woman dreams of: To be desired, adored, and accepted like that?

Well, the problem is that this type of passion scares the daylights out of me, and that is what my sexual mirror revealed to me when I took an honest look at it. As I stood before my mirror, I saw a fear of losing control. A fear of surrender. A fear of full exposure.

James 1:23-25 “For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror.”

Okay, so I had taken a look in the mirror of my sexuality and I saw a deeper condition of my heart: the propensity to self protect.

The question was (and is), am I going to take a look and “go away and at once forget” what lies inside, as James goes on to say? Or was I going to look in a way that changed me from the inside out?

As I pondered this type of all consuming, all encompassing, all demanding passion (and my fear of it), I realized that this is how God loves me. Really. He loves you and I with an all consuming passion, the kind that demands you rise to meet it.

The problem was that I was afraid of it, whether it was coming from God or from my husband or from anyone else.

What if I let someone in and I turned out to be one big disappointment, a big zero? What if I surrendered and ended up being rejected? Or used and discarded as I had been in the past? The potential pain of soul intimacy was just too great.

I had taken a good look in the mirror and saw what I was like and it wasn’t pretty. The next step was to look into the perfect law, the law of liberty.

James 1:25 “But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.”

Did you catch that very key phrase, “law of liberty?” Who thinks of the law as giving liberty? We think of rules and laws as necessary, even constructive and helpful perhaps, but to think of law as liberty? Probably not. Laws generally restrict freedoms.

However, God’s law = perfect liberty

Think about that. It applies to all of life. From money and finances, our role as wife and mom, to career to ministry to sex.

God’s law = perfect liberty

As I began to look intently at the word of God, I had to change my outlook. I had to look at it believing that it was liberty. The laws for intimate relationship, both sexual and non-sexual, are not to make me a second rate person; they are not to make me a piece of meat; they are not to use, abuse, and mistreat me; they are not to take from me in any way.

They are to give me perfect liberty.

Do you want to be free? I mean gloriously free and unhindered? Approach the Word as “the law of liberty.”

Some of you may be needing a concrete example of what that may look like relationally, so I will give you one from a friend who just a few weeks ago shared this with me. I will call her “P.”

P’s husband was addicted to pornography for many years. He destroyed her fragile trust and even though he had confessed his sin, she still felt that in the bedroom she just could not live up to the images he had in his head.

P told me that she was responsive whenever he initiated sexual contact, but there was no intimacy between them. After talking about the situation, she revealed to me that in fact, even making eye contact with him was too intimate for her. She wanted healing in her heart and marriage, so I challenged her to start with that one small goal: to look him in the eyes when she talked to him.

A couple weeks ago, I talked to P again and she said that she had done it! She had looked him in the eyes and it transformed him. Furthermore, it encouraged her to share with him her feelings of inadequacy. By her taking the step to initiate intimacy with her spouse, she spoke affirmation to him. She told me that since she did that, he has been a changed man and this has in turn changed her.

P went from viewing God’s plan for intimacy as frightening and scary to viewing it as life giving. I have done the same, and your comments indicate that there are many of you who have made the jump too.

Our natural tendency is to be like Adam and Eve after the fall and run from intimacy and full exposure. But God still pursues us and it is not to beat us down…He pursues us to redeem us. As we in turn pursue His plan for intimacy, we find redemption and freedom. Liberty.

I’ll share more next week! For now, I’m interested in hearing your feedback, so talk, girls, talk!
Are you afraid of God's "law" for intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual)?
Are you someone who has made the jump and can share tips on what helped you?
Do you generally view God's instructions for money, motherhood, etc as giving liberty?

Free Parking

“If one more hand reaches out and grabs me, I'm gonna scream!”

If you have little ones, you might've thought something like this recently. How do I know? Well, let's just say I spent a few years in that rut—I mean mode. The mommy-mode.

There's no question about it—those are wonderful years, but they are not easy! You're surrounded by little people constantly grabbing you, not minding where they happen to grab and by the end of the day exhaustion has set in. Big time. And not just physically, it's mental and emotional exhaustion too, and you still have a mountain of work to do.

And that's when the Groping Hand appears. Sure, he looks both ways before grabbing your boob because you've trained him that he can't just grab you anytime any more. After all, little eyes may be watching, and even more, they're mimicking everything they see!

Monopoly Originally uploaded by Kirstin W

So, the Groping Hand grabs you and you grab for the duct tape to avoid giving him a piece of your mind. Honey, take my word for it, use the duct tape to keep those thoughts to yourself! He doesn't want a piece of your mind, he wants YOU. Naked and now. Can't do naked at the moment? Not a problem. Now will do. I know you're exhausted. I know you're ready to scream. I know you're ready to rip his test-- um, his tonsils out. But don't do it! That's like getting a Go to Jail card. Yanno, Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Remember, if you're sitting in jail, you don't get to collect rent and you certainly can't land on Free Parking.

So, what's a girl to do?
Brush your teeth.
Yup. You heard me. Brush 'em.

And while you're brushing PRAY. Pour out your heart to God. Use shorthand for this—chances are God's heard it before and He'll certainly understand what you're saying, even with the toothbrush working ferociously in your mouth. Ask God to give you the energy and joy to love your husband. And thank God for the man. That always helps sweeten you up.

Use mouthwash if you need extra time for this step—but don't take too long.

Next, pat your mouth dry with the towel, and when you pull the towel from your face, SMILE. Definitely smile. Smiling will help energize you.

free parking Originally uploaded by anna.hawaii

The reward?
Lemme tell ya, it's better than landing on Free Parking. It's that's special oneness that comes after loving your husband.

Sometimes we totally stress out about the things pulling at us and we need to decompress and relax. It may seem like you don't have time to stop and make love with your husband right then, but sometimes that's when we need it most. Making love is a great stress reliever, and let's face it, whether you're with little ones all day or not, life can be stressful.

Want this to work even better?
Start programming yourself to remember that loving your husband is a great form of de-stressing, relaxing and me-time. Time for you to spend being a woman—being yourself. When you think that way, sex is better for both you, but especially for you.

Life Monopoly Originally uploaded by stechico

Here's a quick check-list for those times:
**duct tape
**toothbrush
**smile

The Best Marriage Advice

Some of the best marriage advice I've ever received was from a historical novel. An older lady in the book said to a young bride, “A man may way want a lady on his arm, but he wants a tiger in his bed.” Well, tiger isn't the word she used, she actually used the word old word for prostitute.

I understand what she was saying, and have heard that verified many times over the years. A man, okay, let's be specific, our men may want a lady on their arms, and by their sides, and walking through life with them, but when it comes to bedroom activities, chances are, they want something other than a lady.

Let's look at some facts. A prostitute, by definition, is one who is in the business of pleasuring men. Yes, her services are for hire and what she does is wrong, but her business is one of the oldest in history. Why? Because there's a constant demand for it. So let's look at this profession. They pleasure men. They are in the business of sex. Those women study and practice what pleases men. They aren't shy about it, nor ashamed of it. They're good at what they do! Which is why their business is still booming even after thousands of years.

But yanno, they don't have to have a corner on the market! I think far too often we, as Christian women, give them that corner and then wonder why they look at us as if we're stupid. They know how to please a man. Is their knowledge wrong? Absolutely not. (Read Song of Solomon!) Their use of that knowledge is. And in our avoidance of sin, especially flagrant sexual sin, we've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Boy, are we wrong!! As a result, we're ladies in the bedroom and often lean toward being prim and proper. Miss PnP (yanno, Miss Prim and Proper) is good for high-end restaurants, but not when your husband wants and needs a tiger on his hands. Okay, on more than just his hands, on him. ALL of him.

Siberian Tiger StalkingOriginally uploaded by Tut99 (Roger)

So, what are we to do? Make him suffer in silence? Condemn him (sometimes our silence or stiffness makes him feel condemned) for his feelings and needs? NO! We need to loosen ourselves up and be a tiger. For our husbands. But not just for them! For ourselves!

I know, I know. That's easier said than done sometimes, but it can be done! Without visiting porn sites, without lewdness and vulgarity. For some of us, it's more of a mental battle and process, and for others it's more of education and imagination, and for still others of us, it's both. And we'll be talking about those-- our mental preparation and educating ourselves, among other things. :-)

But let's get back to that old business. Those women who were so good at their profession studied and learned how to please a man. They studied sex. But we're not just studying sex! We're studying our husbands—their personal likes and dislikes. And we're studying ourselves—what makes us feel good? One thing prostitutes know well—when a man thinks he's pleasuring his woman well it makes him feel good. Real good! So what do they do? They act.

But we don't have to act! We just need to know (or find out) what makes us feel good and then capitalize on that knowledge. And we'll work on that—remember, this isn't a pot of instant mashed potatoes we're working on here.

Here's an assignment for you:
Think through what makes you feel good. Be specific!
What lights your fire and what things build the fire into a bonfire?
When you know these things, you can let your husband know—chances are he's a pyro at heart and will love (if he doesn't already) building your fire and setting off your fireworks.

And if there's not been a fire for you, let alone any fireworks, are there things that begin to feel good, things that are trying to spark? Pay close attention to anything that even begins to smoke a bit or heat up for you. Search your memory for smoke signals and warm spots. What brought them on?

Okay, ladies. There's your assignment. :-)
Have you been looking in that mirror Heidi stood us in front of? I sure have. It's a scary sight no matter how I look at it, but God is good, He can handle my mess!
Heidi will be back with us in a few days—she's been a little tied up, but she's not forgotten us.
Don't forget the polls we have going this week over there in the side bar and I'll see you Wednesday, I think.
Hugs!

Peeking Underneath

Today I’m going to challenge you to do something scary. I’m going to invite you to get naked and stand in front of the mirror.

Okay, maybe that isn’t scary if you’re 24 and never had children. But for most of us, it’s pretty frightening!

Actually, I’m not talking about taking our clothes off; I’m talking about taking a hard look at our sexuality as women, seeing where we are at, and determining to let God shape us up.

I’m talking about letting your sex life serve as an indicator of your spiritual and emotional health. It can do that, you know.

Don’t be afraid; I’m already in the booth next to you, within earshot, stripped down and standing in front of the mirror. We can bemoan together, alright?

Then we’ll get dressed, share a good cup of coffee and together come up with a game plan for the mess we just exposed.

Deal?

Okay, let’s get started.

When I look in the sex mirror at first glance, I say things like, “Eww, I’m glad no one sees this,” and “Now how did that get so out of proportion?”

Then I say things like, “Well, no one is perfect and there are plenty of folks that look a whole lot worse than me. Now let me have my pants back and I’m out of here!” I want to ignore *The Indicator*.

But The Indicator doesn’t lie and I am finding that when I listen to it, I become a better person, a better follower of Christ, a better missionary, and a better wife and mom. Seriously. Allowing sex to "Indicate" has changed my life.

What is your Indicator showing? Here’s a checklist of some common features:
- Sexual apathy
- Mental fantasies of love stories and/or sexual encounters
- Compulsive or excessive reading of romance novels or viewing romantic TV/movies
- Compulsive solo sex
- Pornography
- Sexual addictions
- Fear of sexual intimacy
- Withdrawal
- Unfulfilled sex life including the Inability to orgasm
- Promiscuity
- Using sexuality to manipulate or gain attention
- Sexual selfishness

Are you saying “EWWWW!” yet?

Before we cover our eyes and fumble to get our clothes back on, let me ask one final question. Is your spouse satisfied and brimming over with your sexual relationship and frequency?

Ouch. These are hard and painful things to face, aren’t they? It’s easier to continue with excuses and put on that extra dab of lipstick to make it all better.

The enemy of our souls wants us to believe that we can keep it covered up or keep putting it off and it won’t affect anything. No one will know. No one will get hurt. He only wants this teeny tiny area and he’ll be a good boy and stay in his little corner of our land. Besides, we are all human.

“No harm done,” he whispers.

It’s a lie. Let me tell you how I discovered this.

I first discovered it when I realized I was robbing my husband. Sure, I was “giving him sex.” But I wasn’t giving him ME. Thus, I wasn’t giving him affirmation, showing him I desired him, and meeting his deep need for respect and admiration.

Y’all, I was setting him up.

The car was running so to speak, but my Indicator was saying something wasn’t right. Yet I thought I could get by without it affecting anyone else.

Wrong.

Now, my husband has never done anything hurtful or harmful to me or our marriage bed. But one night, I was confronted with the fact that I was taking advantage of his moral strength and spiritual headship. Instead of coming alongside of him and strengthening his headship, I was leaning too heavily on it and taxing his strength. I wasn't carrying my own load.

I thank God that He woke me up to this before we had a catastrophe. Our husbands are to be our heads and spiritual covering, but we are to be their helpers, and that includes sexually.

I had believed that second best was good enough. But God was saying, “No, top notch is what I intend.” Furthermore, He began challenging me to listen to my sexuality and let it reveal some core issues in my life.

And boy did it talk.

Next time I’ll tell you some of what it “said” …and how I saw it affecting even my kids.

For now, I’d like to leave you with a question. What do you see in the mirror of your sexuality right now? Don’t let what you see stop you from looking. It will serve as a guide to where you need to go and we are all in this together!

A Gift that Echoes

Why is it that all men get the same silly grin when the topic of sex comes up? Really! I wanna know! Maybe it's because they aren't embarrassed to admit they like sex! Oh, I heard that, girls! Truly I did! I heard a collective gasp when you read that!

But they do! And you know it!

Now, before you hyperventilate or die laughing on me, stop and think about things. God gave us each a very special man. He (that's the capital H He there!) gave us our man. God is good, and He gives good gifts, and our husbands are no exception to that rule!

And have you ever counted the times the Bible talks about sex? Lemme tell you, there was a lot of begatting going on! And let's not forget Solomon! That man collected wives like our men collected rocks when they were young!

Awhile ago I was clobbered with the overwhelming need I saw among Christian women in regard to the physical aspects of our marriages. What's right? What's wrong? What's going too far? And would somebody pleeeeeze talk about this?!

Well guess what? We're gonna! Yes, we're going to talk about sex. About loving our husbands and letting him really feel our love in a way he understands emotionally, and about meeting his physical needs. Joyfully meeting his physical needs, not just putting up with or enduring this special bond God has given married couples.

When God was creating this world, at the end of each day when He was looking at His creation, we read that He saw that it was good--until the sixth day. When God created man and woman and looked back on that day, then He saw that it was very good. (Emphasis mine.) So tell me, when you look in the mirror and see you and your husband, do you see something very good? What do you think your husband sees? (And I'm not talking about stretch marks and cottage cheese thighs.) Does he see a woman who loves him? Does he see his woman loving him or just putting up with him?

Loving our husbands as they need us to, in a way they understand it best, is a gift we can give them. And the cool thing is that when we give them that gift (remember, a true gift is freely and joyfully given) our whole family benefits from it. Even those little ones who have no idea what's going on, and those teens that catch us kissing in the kitchen and act like they're gagging. Let 'em gag! Inside they'll be happy to see their parents love each other.

Which gifts do you appreciate the most? Not necessarily the most expensive ones, or the prettiest ones, but definitely the ones that come from the heart. The ones that have had some thought put into them and that are given freely and joyfully. Remember the times you were given something with a grudging attitude—“Well, here. Just take it. It's for you.” It really took all the joy out of the gift, didn't it? Or how about a time when you were given something but you could tell the giver really expected to be paid or given something in return. Oh, now that makes me think of receiving a gift and being pleased with it, only to discover it wasn't just a gift—it was 'sweetening up' for the request. Hmmmm. Some people would think of that as a bribe. Those aren't gifts—not really.

A gift is given freely and joyfully, without thought of reciprocation. It's given just because. It's given as an expression of love or appreciation.

And when it comes to sex, our husbands love gifts. Gifts freely and joyfully given. They want us. They want our hearts and minds involved in making love, not just our body going through the motions.

Loving our husbands, as God intended us to, is a gift we give them that keeps on giving. It's a gift that echoes throughout our homes.

So tell me,
What are some things that keep us from feeling generous with our gift giving?


What are some benefits to giving freely and joyfully?

The Line-Up

Hi all you sexy ladies! I'd like to introduce myself and give you an idea of what direction I'll be taking here at AZ.

I've been married to John for 15 years, I have three children (both biological and adopted) with a 4th on the way, and we are missionaries in Asia.

A couple months ago, I posted about "spiritual sex" on my personal blog regarding how our sex lives reflects our spiritual health. In response to those posts, I received comments and emails from women struggling with issues from sexual addictions to sexual apathy and deprivation.

The response blew me away. At first, the thought of personally addressing this area of sexuality didn't cross my mind; but the Lord began to challenge me by making me aware of my own need for the body of Christ in areas such as mothering and spiritual warfare.

While I believe our needs for mentoring and growth should primarily be met in our local church, I am one who does not have a local body to be a part of (we are church planters who lay foundations and never get the fullness of the body.) The Lord challenged me with the thought that even many who are a part of a local body are not getting this particular need met and that online communities can serve as ways to fill in that gap.

Still hesitant, I wasn't sure if I was ready to pour myself out in so impersonal a manner about such a sensitive topic. But the Lord cleared all that up one morning with a command: "Lift up your voice mightily; lift it up and do not fear!" Isaiah 40:9

I knew exactly what He was telling me to do and y'all, I'm scared not to obey! So I began planning the series Under the Covers: Uncovering the Secrets of Female Sexuality for my blog.

Since then, God has just worked remarkably, like bringing people across my path to do guest posts and bringing Patty and I together to host this blog. Truly, it is not something I could have pulled together on my own.

Which means one thing, ladies: God clearly wants us as women to delight and thrill in our sexuality. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited about that!

So here is a very, very tentative outline of some of the things I'll be posting about, both from my personal experiences and from guest bloggers:

- Sex as "The Indicator"

- The Real Root of Sex- Intimacy or Intimacy Disorder

- Solo Sex

- The Big "O"- achieving sexual climax

- Developing a Game Plan for Rebuilding our sexual Ruins

- De-sexualizing our needs

- Group discussions on what some of our common needs are and legitimate ways we can meet them

- Sharon's Story: Guest post on porn addiction

- Overcoming Shame

- Engaging and reprogramming our largest sex organ: the brain

- Inviting the Divine Healer to Intimacy

- Plus some fun posts on adding some sizzle and creativity

- Maybe a couple giveaways too!

Ultimately, I would love to see this site become a community of women encouraging and supporting each other, answering questions, sharing tips and experiences, providing accountability and prayer support, and having fun together! Will you help us get the word out by grabbing our button, posting about the site, and inviting a friend? The more along for this party, the merrier!

Hello there, you wonderful ladies! Patty here, and I'm excited about getting this going! God has been working and I'm amazed by what I see. What a great God we have! A couple months ago I was impressed with the need I saw amongst Christian women in the area of our physical relationships with our husbands. I have to admit—I pulled a Jonah and tried escaping the call I felt, but God didn't let go of me, and here I am. LoL. And I'm excited! God is so good!

Now, just so you know, I am NOT, sooooo not an authority on this subject!! I'm just a chick that's obeying God's call. My husband, Jim, and I have been married 20 years this summer and we have 5 homeschooled kids between 16 and almost 8.

While Heidi deals with more of the emotional and spiritual side of our sexuality, I'll be dealing with the practical, hands on stuff. I'll be relying heavily on your comments and input, so if there's questions you have, get them to us either through the comments or the email us button. I'll be covering many of the topics Heidi has listed above—starting with our attitude and thoughts, and loosening up so we can find more enjoyment in sex.

We'd really love to see this grow into a community of women connecting and encouraging and supporting each other. And having fun! Oh-my-goodness! I know there will be many laughs along the way. So please, join us! Join the conversations and join the fun. We'd love for you to tell your friends and please, grab a button!

Let's reclaim this ground that is so often used against us, and let's use it for God's glory!!

See you Wednesday!