FollOw the YellOw Brick ROad

Okay, girls, here we gO again. Back to thOse CheeriOs.

In Mari's ShOw n Tell pOst, she reminded us that we need to knOw how our body functions. That's one of the first step to take on the YellOw Brick ROad to Os. (Yes, I said Os and not Oz. YannO, as in the plural of O. *wink*) As we get to knOw our bodies, and how they work, and as we remember that God made us as we are for a purpose, it helps us relax and feel more. The best way to be a better lover to your husband is learning to really enjoy sex and learning how to have an orgasm.

SO, how does our body function? (DOn't worry, this wOn't be a long biology lesson! *grin*) God blessed women with a magic button called the clitoris, and that little button is a wonderful little gadget in our tool box. But not every clitoris is the same. Each has a personality all her Own.

First of all, depending on how yours is designed, when you're not fully aroused your clitoris might be just a bump buried in fOlds of skin and it's lOcated above the Opening of the vagina. Right above where the inner labia (lips) meet and form an upside-down V there's a fleshy knob right at the point. That's your clitoris. When you're aroused, the clitoris tends to get larger, making it easier to find. Your clitoris is like an iceberg--Only about a tenth of it is seen and the rest is nestled inside to spread pleasure throughout the entire region.

Here's a good way to get to knOw your clitoris and your body better: Arrange for a long, uninterrupted bubble bath. I just betcha that if you tell your husband why, he'll be more than willing to keep the kids away from your bathroom door and answer the phOne! If you like candles, light a few. Do whatever you think will help you relax the mOst.

While in the tub sOaking, think about your husband and how much you love each other. Be like Dorothy. Remember how she clicked the heels of her ruby slippers and said 'There's nO place like hOme'? That's what you're to do, too. Remember that there's nO place like hOme --the loving arms of your husband. Then, when you're ready, let your hands do some exploring. Concentrate on the areas where you nOticed sparks of flame before or that have sent up smOke signals at some point and experiment with different touches. When you get to your clitoris, here's a couple things to try:
~an indirect touch through your outer labia.
~direct touch with your fingers.

Whether touching indirectly or directly, try:
**gentle pressure
**soft, circular movement
**firmer pressure
**a little vibration with you hand

I like what Dr. Kevin Leman says in his book Sheet Music when people are concerned about masturbation. He says,
“Sometimes I hate that word, simply because of the connotations that have become associated with it. When husbands or wives stimulate themselves to climax to avoid intimacy with their spouse or to participate in pornography or something like that, they are, in my view, acting in a selfish and destructive manner. However, when a wife is learning to respond sexually to her husband so that the two of them can enjoy a deeper and richer sexual experience, she is working toward greater intimacy, not less—just like a husband who is trying to learn ejaculatory control or who is on a long business trip may occasionally use self-stimulation to strengthen his marriage rather than weaken it.

So yes—there are times when masturbation is wrong and addictive and should be avoided. There are other times when getting familiar with your body is an unselfish act as you train yourself to become a better lover for your spouse. You know if what you are doing is selfish and running away from your spouse, or if what you are doing is preparing you to draw closer to your spouse.”
~Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman, chapter 6.

Even thOugh the clitoris is a kind of magic button, that doesn't mean that it's instant like a light switch. It may take several times of touching yourself and exploring before you find your body's preferences and what feels good. That's Okay! This isn't a race. Remember thOse gourmet meals we talked about before? They require time and practice to get them just right, and that's how it is in the land of Os. You've got to follOw the yellOw brick rOad. The best things in life are not necessarily the easy things. Give it time. Keep trying and follOwing that rOad. Try variations and dOn't worry about the time it takes. This is a journey to Os

Slip n Slide

It's still summer out there and water toys are all over the place. How many Slip n Slides have you seen in the yards around you? Have you had one in your nest recently?

Our skin is our largest sensory receptor and as women, we like to pay special attention to our skin. So how about paying some close attention to yours and your honey's? How about having some fun as you pay attention to it?


Depending on how wild you are,
an indoor slip n slide for you and your husband is easy to plan for.
*Old sheet.
*Oil.
*Hands.

OR, if you're on the wild side or adventurous:
*Plastic sheet (even a clean plastic drop cloth works).
*Oil.
*No hands.

This can be as simply as you want or as sensual as you want. There are special oils available with great scents and bonus features—you can find a selection at places like Bath and Body Works, but you don't have to use special oil. Many of us have simple ol' baby oil floating around our homes somewhere, and baby oil works like a charm. Another option if you don't want to smell yummy like a freshly bathed baby is to use mineral oil.

Surprise your man with a massage. You don't have to be an expert and you don't even have to have strong hands. The goal is to cover his body with your touch—the oil is just for fun. You don't even have to use your hands. In fact, chances are that he'll enjoy it more if you don't use your hands. Cover every inch of his body. But this isn't a race, girls! Draw it out and let him know you enjoy touching him.

Now, is this only about making him feel good while you do all the so-called work? No way! Chances are your man will love giving you a hand and getting in on the act. Of course, if you're creative, by the time it's your turn you might just be oiled up already. But that's okay! Maybe the next time you'll get to go first.

He's Coming!

When I got to the computer this morning there was an email waiting for me from Heidi. She said "This boy is getting too big and the doctor wants to induce in the morning. I would appreciate your prayers...Hopefully he'll come quickly!"

Today's the day! Let's be praying!

Generational Ruins

Today I’m continuing the Series “Under the Covers: Uncovering the Secrets of Female Sexuality.” If you are new to Adding Zest, you can catch up on past posts in this series by clicking here.

I’ve heard it said that your first three memories say a lot about who you are… and why. My very first memory is of a dog named Whiskey. Now he was our family dog but Lord knows why he was named Whiskey because there was absolutely no liquor allowed on the entire length of the family property, some 27 acres.

Maybe someone in my family had a secret wish and naming the dog was as close as they could come to getting near it.

In any case, in my first memory I am barefoot and running down our dirt lane with Whiskey in hot pursuit. I’m sure now the dog was trying to play, but at three or four, I was convinced he was out to devour me from the toenails up!

My second memory is just as frightening. It involved childhood abuse, which occurred the summer after I turned four. While my experience with abuse only lasted one summer and was mild compared to that of many others, it created patterns of relating to others such as approaching relationships with hesitation, distrust, and fear. Oftentimes I would withdraw and not relate at all.

Unfortunately, you needn’t experience sexual abuse to learn unhealthy patterns of relating. We all learn patterns of relationship and intimacy during childhood. According to the "experts," being parented by emotionally unavailable adults or adults with an impaired ability to provide healthy nurturing is a common cause of “bad” patterns.

Okay, so where in the world am I going with this?

Well, obviously, if we tend to withdraw or run from healthy intimacy, it can affect our desire and capacity for sexual intimacy. To change these patterns of relating, we have to go back to the building blocks of intimacy.

In Nehemiah 2: 12-15 we see the first step in rebuilding an area of ruins is to give those ruins an honest assessment. For a long time, I didn’t realize there were “ruins” that comprised my foundation simply because I thought my upbringing was normal. Sure, everything looked good from the outside. I was taught how to put on “Christian” appearances, never realizing it only masked the ruins that lay under the surface.

As the word of God began to penetrate my life and heart, over time these origins of decay were exposed. I saw that those “good” appearances have been in place for many generations..and so have the ruins.

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins…they will repair the desolations of many generations.” Isaiah 58:12 and 61:4

The verses above describe the kind of ruins that are “ancient” and present for “many generations.” Intimacy Disorder fits this type of ruin. That's where we pass on the relationship patterns we learned from others.

The good news is that as an adult empowered by the Spirit of God, I can make a different choice. I can either allow the cycle to continue and pass on poor patterns of relationship to my children, or I can start the rebuilding process. God is favorable to rebuilders, by the way!! It is not easy work, but it is worth it, both for us and our husbands and children.

One key way of revisiting our ruins is via memories. This allows us to “see” and recognize ways in which we were taught to run from relationship, intimacy, and connection (both with God and others), rather than towards it. Our memories can illuminate patterns of detachment from others that were passed down to us. We can then see how we continue the cycle in our own habits and behaviors, allowing us to start rebuilding.

Examining the ruins via memories can be painful. It may mean acknowledging imperfections and losing an over- inflated view of others that we once held. It may mean letting go of idealism and facing hurtful truths. But examining the ruins is essential because it involves one key element: truth.

If you think there may be some ruins you need to examine, let me add a word of caution. The goal of revisiting the ruins is not to become self-absorbed, to pity self, or to build self esteem missed in childhood. The goal is to see the truth of our past and to move on. Nehemiah took 1 night to examine the ruins and did so without fanfare and attention. This tells me that we need to be honest, face the reality of our situation, but do so discreetly and without lingering.

Finally, if you take on this challenge, you may find it helpful to jot down key descriptions as you revisit memories, such as “feelings of being unwanted” or “left to raise self” or “loss of control” or “adults around me emotionally shut down.” This will help in the weeks ahead as we work on clearing out the rubble and rebuilding the waste places.

As always, you are welcome to leave comments here or email me as you work through this process. Next time we will look at the next step!

“You will be called Repairer of the Breach, the Restorer of the Streets to Dwell In.” Isaiah 58:12

Here we go! {Book Giveaway!}

Hey all you Zesty ladies! We've got something new just for you! Heidi and I have been praying about a few things, and getting our hands on some marriage books for book giveaways is one of them. And guess what? God has answered that prayer! I'm still praying though because I've got an idea up my sleeve that I need to act on—but I'll save that for later. *wink*

Now, here's the deal.
**The book giveaway is open for a week and the winner will be announced a week from today, on Sunday, August 2. No email notification will be sent to the winner because we do NOT want you to leave your email address!
Got that? NO EMAIL ADDRESS. ☺

**You don't need to use your name in your comment to be entered in the book drawing. Your initials or a pseudonym will work just dandy. So even if you leave an anonymous comment, just tack on your initials and if you think there's others with the same initials, add some clarification. Like maybe 'PW in IL' or 'PW w 5' or even 'smiling PW' and if you want something unique 'Silly Sally Sailing South' would be super. You get the idea. ☺ And if you leave a comment using your blogger id, that's the name we'll use. No muss, no fuss.

**Leave a comment on any post this week and you'll be entered in the book giveaway.

**Enter multiple times! ☺

**Don't forget to check back on Sunday, August 2nd to see if you won.

Extra Credit!
**Do you have our Adding Zest button on your site? Let us know and your name will be thrown in the hat again. If you don't have it, grab it and put it up and let us know!

**If you link to us in a blog post, let us know and in you go again.

This week's book giveaway is The Dream Giver for Couples by Bruce and Darlene Marie Wilkinson.
Are you living the marriage of your dreams?
We're all familiar with the expression “made for each other” and have no trouble believing it on our wedding day. But it doesn't take long to discover that a marriage made in heaven must be worked out here on earth.

The Dream Giver wants you to live the marriage of your dreams. Does your Dream Marriage seem hopelessly out of reach? Then you are ready for The Dream Giver for Couples.

Let Bruce and Darlene Marie Wilkinson bring you new hope with seven principles that will help you to experience the marriage you've always dreamed of.

So there you have it, ladies. Our first book giveaway. Leave us some comment love to be entered. Remember: NO email addies!! ☺

All Settled?

We'd like to welcome LauraLee to Adding Zest. She's a dear friend of mine and someone I greatly appreciate.

Try to remember a time when you were so comfortable that you drifted off into a half-sleep. This happened to me often in church as a kid. It was the one place where I felt so at ease and warm inside that sometimes I would almost fall asleep. If it hadn’t been for the fear that people would judge me for dozing off all the way, I most certainly would have! It was a horrible feeling being in the middle of awake and asleep, though,… especially when the pipe organ chimed at the end of the service, and I would get a jolted tingle from head to toe as I tried to look awake to all those around me.

God has been so good to sound the pipe organ as I’ve needed it throughout my life—not just the ones in church, but also those in my spiritual life. Recently, the Lord chimed into my head the desire to ponder my role as a wife. I have a good marriage, but is it all it could be? I wonder if I’ve become content with patterns or attitudes that I shouldn’t be? In many ways, I contribute a great deal. In other ways, I’ve become too comfortable and nodded off. Have you who are married reflected upon this lately?

We all know the cliché about “settling down and getting married.” Well, what happens if you settle down to get married and then somewhere down the road, you just settle?!? Let me explain. I’ve recorded some of the things I’ve either said to myself or have heard others in marriage say over the past year or so (bear in mind these are usually from people who have been married for 10 or more years):

~ “I want us to be closer, but it’s just so much work!”
~ “We don’t have anything in common anymore.”
~ “He says I’ve ‘let myself go.’”
~ “We stopped trying to pray or read the Bible together, because we end up arguing.”
~ “I pray for him, but nothing ever changes.”
~ “I’m so tired of hearing him complain about his work. Can’t he just be happy?”
~ “I can’t ever do anything right in his eyes, so I’ve just quit trying.”
~ “He has his TV in the den and I have mine in the bedroom….that way, we both watch what we want to watch.”
~ “He wants more of me than I have to give. I’m tired after being with the kids all day.”
~ “I like working because I get praise there. That’s more than I can say for home.”
~ “He can just forget about having sex more than once a week. That’s enough as it is.”

Ok, I’m stopping, just in case you’re getting uncomfortable. I could probably fill up an entire page with comments just like these. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not talking about major problems in marriage, just the normal everyday stuff. Unfortunately, if you settle in the small areas every single day, the potential is greater for large issues later.

Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life,
and have it to the full.” (John 10:10b, NIV)

My paraphrase for this subject:
“He gave us marriage that we could have one life together, and have it to the full.”

I want to experience His fullness and abundance in my marriage, as much as it is up to me, don’t you? That means we need to pray and then respond as He leads us…He will do the rest. For me, that may mean watching a motorcycle race on TV instead of Law and Order (or working on my blog--ouch). It may mean caring enough about my husband to truly listen to him, even if I’m I’ve used up all my energy for the day. It may mean getting out of my stretchy shorts before he comes home so that I can look beautiful for him. For you, it might mean returning gentle words instead of harsh ones…or maybe trading Nagatha’s hat in for Carissa’s! ☺ Have you thought about the things that matter to your spouse lately? Do you pray for him daily? No matter the issues, we all could use this piece of advice from Philippians 2:1-5 to help us stay awake in our relationships:

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,
if any comfort from His love,
if any fellowship with the Spirit,
if any tenderness and compassion,
then make my joy complete by being like-minded,
having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:”

Somehow these verses are easier live out with our friends or co-workers or people at church, but God desires our marriages to honor Him, “shining like stars in the universe as we hold out the Word of life.” (Philippians 2:15, 16a)

So, dear married friends, as much as it is up to us, let’s pray together that the Lord would settle us on the firm foundation of His plan for our part in a God-honoring union—not for the norm in this “crooked and depraved generation.” Stay in the Word and pray Pray PRAY, and it will guide you how to live and love less selfishly, more deeply, less casually and more fully…may we never settle for less!

LauraLee Shaw:
I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ disguised as a wife, mom and writer. My day-to-day experiences are what scribble life into my pen as a writer. But they stem from a deeper story. A painful childhood filled with abuse, tragedy and dysfunction lines the border of my paper in the form of hope. If I could share anything with a sibling in Christ whose identity is defined by past circumstances, it would be this: The Lord rescued me. Let Him rescue you too. Selah.

"So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through."
John 8:36, The Message

You can find LauraLee on her blog Selah ~ Pause. Ponder. Praise.

Just Do It- With or Without the Blue Pill

{Viagra is blue, right? Just clearing that up as I wouldn't know.}

The closest thing to Viagra we have in our home is a pill called "Spring Up." It really freaked me out when I first saw it in the bathroom. I thought John was going through mid-life crisis. As it turns out, "Spring Up" is an antihistamine. Whew.

Anyway...my friend emailed me a "Dear Abby" letter she found in her local paper a couple weeks ago. It reads:

"Sex is expensive. My wife and I are 74 years old and have been married 55 years. We still do it at least three times a week. Admittedly, I need a little help. The problem is, the price of Viagra has gone up a lot over the years, and the monthly cost is very high, even when splitting a pill. How soon is it likely to become generic in the United States?"

The response was that it could be available in the next couple years, blah blah blah.

What is interesting to me is the value this couple clearly places on sexual intimacy. This letter reminds me that each of us can make sex a priority, no matter how old (or feeble?) we are.

You remember my friend Jennifer, right? The one who set a goal for sexual intimacy 5 out of 7 nights a week? Well, I didn't include this in the original post, but she told me that doing the challenge "requires planning, like turning off the TV and going to bed earlier than we used to." (She told me I could share this, by the way!)

She went on to say that it also requires prayer on her part to desire her husband even when exhausted. "In the end," she said, "it's always well worth it!" There's another example of making sex a priority.

So girls, what practical things do you do to make sexual intimacy a priority? Pray, plan, pills? Share your tips on what works for you so we all can benefit!

Show and Tell

We'd like to welcome Mari LaVell of Mari-flower to Adding Zest today.

I used to dread Show & Tell time at school. Do you remember that time? Where kids could bring their latest toy to school and show the cool things it does? Or they talk about the awesome vacations they took?

I had three strikes against me when Show & Tell started.
1) I was shy and didn’t talk much. (shocker, I know).
2) We were poor so, I never had anything cool to share.
3) I don’t have a third item but who ever says “two strikes”? Lame.

When I was in the third grade, I discovered the best Show & Tell item ever. We had just butchered several chickens, including a couple roosters. Somehow my brothers had figured out that if you stuck your fingers inside the throat of a beheaded rooster, you could find their vocal cords and give it a tug. The bodiless rooster could still crow. (sort of).

I found this fascinating. I smuggled the head into a brown paper bag and the next day when the teacher asked if anyone had Show & Tell, I eagerly raised my hand. Since I never participated in this, the teacher called on me first. I produced my new toy and proceeded to share the nifty new trick I had discovered. At recess time, I was the most popular kid (among the boys anyway) and my teacher called my mom to ask her if she knew what I brought for show & tell. She didn’t. Oh boy.

Being in my mid forties, I’m of that generation where many of our mothers didn’t prepare us for marriage. The act of marriage just sort of happened. The man part fits into the woman part, you make some sort of thrusting movements and after awhile voila`… you’ve had sex. Woohoo. Silence. Darkness…and… snoring.

No talking. No lights on. No clue what sex could really be.

Somewhere along the line, I decided that there had to be more. Or maybe it was simply that I craved more from it.

Now, I don’t like to over-spiritualize sex, but there is a verse that hints to me that God is okay with us enjoying it. Psalms 139:14(NKJV) says: “I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”

Ladies, we are wonderfully made, yet we are fearful of how we are made sexually. We are afraid to explore how God made us because it seems dirty. We are fearful to talk to our husbands during sex to let them know what pleasures us because it seems awkward. Maybe we are fearful to enjoy the act of marriage simply because of ignorance and we don’t want to admit to anyone at this stage of life that we are.

When I used a thesaurus to check on the word fearfully, two options came up that clarify this phrase. The words; extremely and very, might clarify things. We need to take the fear out of this verse and replace it with: we are extremely and very wonderfully made.

I’m not suggesting you stick your fingers inside the throat of a dead rooster head, but I’m thinking there are things about how we are made that we don’t fully understand. It is okay to learn how your body functions and discover a nifty new trick.

My show and tell advice is simple. Our men are wired to be visual. Let ‘em see and watch as they enjoy you (and you enjoy him). And when something feels particularly wonderful, make sure you “tell” him.

Shed a little light, make a little noise…and viola, show and tell.

Mari is a middle-aged woman who thrives on her husband’s love, mixed with generous portions of good chocolate and daily lattes. She serves beside her husband as they pastor a small church in the mountain community nestled among the Cascade foothills in Washington.

Married for 27 years, she has three adult children, two of which are married. While she never liked the title of mother-in-law, she’d rather just be Mom. Mari does enjoy the new season of life called Gramma-in-luv. With five grandchildren, ages three and under, Mari feels she taught her children the concept of loving their spouses quite well.

In the past year, Mari began to pursue a long hidden desire to write. She is considered a “freelance author”. In other words, so far she writes for free and personal enjoyment. If she can get her ADD, middle-aged, menopausal mind to focus once in awhile, she may actually accomplish something.

You can find more of her written works at her blog, Mari-flower.

To Do or Not to Do

No sooner had summer settled in than I saw lots of ladies sporting new summer hair-dos. Short and chic and easy to fix. Perfect for the summer heat and relaxing a bit. Maybe even relaxing in a swimsuit.

Many of us shy away from swimsuits for one reason or another and, when we are in a swimsuit, we get into the water as soon as possible. There's something about age and babies that do something to our bodies, but if just our head is out of the water we think that maybe our chic hair-do will save the day for us.

Well, here's a do that only one person will get to really see—your husband. You don't need an appointment or even leave your house for this do. You got it—your bikini line hair-do. Now, I know that a bikini-do isn't for everyone, but it's worth considering if it's not something you normally do.

Of course, trimming up is good for more than just when we're in bath suits. It can catch your man's attention and add an extra spark of interest. It can give you a swig of a swaggle. What? You don't know what a swig of a swaggle is? That's something like wearing lacy, matching lingerie and it adding some swaggle to your day--something that makes you feel sexier with only your hubby knowing why. A swig of a swaggle is probably what gives Miss Piggy that air she has, only maybe she's had too much of a swig. We don't want to have a Miss Piggy attitude, but a good dose of swaggle is always a good thing. And clipping and trimming our bikini area is a good way to get that swaggle.


Experiment! Be creative! Try different styles and different lengths! This is one do that even if it flops, only you and your hubby will know, and in a short time you'll be able to try something else. Get your husband's input, too, and find out which do he likes best.

Try short and sassy for those times when you don't wear your bikini!

Afternoon Delight

We'd like to welcome Julie Arduini of The Surrendered Scribe to Zest today as a guest blogger. I've known Julie for a year-and-a-half now and she has a tremendous heart for Christian marriages--she never ceases to amaze me--and today is no exception. *wink* And now, here's Julie...

When it comes to marital sexual experience, I tend to be a bit on the naïve side. In 1976, my parents listened to the one local radio station that played the same summer hit each hour, Starland Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight. The station played that song so often there are still summer days when I’m visiting my mom’s and relaxing on the porch, I’m certain I still hear the song. Thing is, it was only very recently when revelation hit. That song must have been about the “nooner”!

eby_17.09.08 - 02 by brent_granby

Although a secular term, I’m here to encourage Christian wives to enjoy this term now listed in the Urban Dictionary. A nooner is defined as “sex done at lunch, your lunch break, or around noon.” It’s a Christian marriage’s best kept secret. The topic doesn’t come up in conversation often, but when it does; both the husbands and wives wear a sly smile.

I’m task oriented so when I worked in an office setting, noon meant time to eat a sandwich and maybe take a walk. Once married, my husband’s office was across the street. Our home was five minutes away. I realized through experience that men enjoy a nooner. When I spoke with my girlfriends (after someone else brought up the topic) we discovered our hubbies really like this idea. We also confessed once we skipped lunch and went home for dessert, we enjoyed the nooner too.

Google has 348,000 hits for nooner, but not a lot of information on how it affects a marital relationship between spouses, especially Christian ones. From my marriage ministry experience I know men have one folder at a time mind set. When they have the sex folder out, it doesn’t matter the time. It’s the only folder on their mind. Husbands generally like spontaneity more than their beloved, so a nooner fits the bill. There isn’t a lot of time, it’s not planned, and it’s a bit risky.

For those that work outside the home, it’s risky because the lunch hour is pretty much that, an hour. Sixty minutes for drive time, the nooner, the redress and check hair time before returning to work. Once back at work, your face will yield a glow that will make people think you went to the spa for a facial.

I remember nooner opportunities as a stay at home mom. Not only was I task oriented, I was paranoid. Naps were times for me to dash around the house and get things done. If my husband convinced me to pursue some afternoon delight, he had to turn on the baby monitor and lock the doors. Women operate with accordion folder type thinking and my mind was exploring the ways this experience could go wrong.

Sound familiar? If so, I encourage you to let your guard down. As a new Christian, still single, a woman prayed over me in very specific ways. She even prayed that I would embrace the thought that it was ok to “be the devil in bed” as long as it was comfortable (and legal) for both of us. I assumed Christian marriages were puritan and flat. Allowing God to broaden my mind and trust my husband with something different proved to be fun, an afternoon delight if you will.

I dare you to give a nooner a try, even initiating an encounter.

It will be our secret that your glow didn’t come from the spa.


Julie Arduini is a freelance writer and graduate of the Jerry B. Jenkins Christian Writers Guild. Her work is included in Kathy Vick’s Run Like a Girl and James Stuart Bell’s October release, God Sightings. Both books are published by Howard/Simon and Schuster. To see her complete writing resume, please visit her at The Surrendered Scribe. She lives in NE Ohio with her husband and two children.

Hear ye! (a Hostess Note)

Hear ye!
Adding Zest is now officially opening the door for guest posts. If there's something on your heart along these Zestie lines that you'd like to send for Heidi and I to consider, please read the Contributing Guidelines in the tab above.

Also, Adding Zest has a page on Facebook and it is a Networked Blog on Facebook, too, so those who Facebook but don't blog can find us.

Nixing the Pests

I was born and raised in Florida (yeah, lucky me!) and as a kid I loved walking barefoot in the hot Florida sand. I remember one time our family went to the beach at dusk. We walked through the warm sand and enjoyed the water for awhile before it was decided that “the boys” would do some night fishing while “the girls” spent the night in the van.

Oh my.

Not only was it stifling hot, but we became targets for the infamous sand fleas. Sand fleas are a small, blood sucking pest the size of a gnat. They are also known as “no-see-ums” because they are practically invisible. You don’t know you are the meal until you feel the bite, over and over. Ouch! I ouched, itched, and scratched all night long.

Just thinking about it now is making me itch!

Did you know there are invisible pests that can affect our sexual health? These pests creep into our bedrooms in the form of thoughts. They especially show up when attempting to deal with sexual dysfunction, addiction, habitual sin, or simply a “failure to thrive” sexually.

Today I’m going to talk about one in particular that is downright deadly. He’s deadly because not only is he frequently unrecognizable ( a “no-see-um”), but he is able to suck the life blood right out of us. This guy is more than a pest: he is a common and very effective killer.

He is the sense of helplessness. His bite sucks the life out with these thoughts:

“There’s no hope for me/us.”

“I can’t change” or “He won’t change.”

“This problem or situation is too big.”

“There’s no point in trying.”

“I just don’t have what it takes. I’m not strong enough.”

“Things will always be like this.”

“I’m doomed to be like this.”

“It’s too hard.”

For a long time I served as a host to the pest of helplessness in relation to past ruins because I believed his presence was legitimate and his bite was true. Then I began to realize one simple thing: The message of this pest is completely unbiblical!!! Plus, it is self centered and focused on “me.” The central message of the pest is “Who do you think you are?” when God’s word says “Look at who I AM.”

Nehemiah was one charged with rebuilding the ruins of Jerusalem and he had an pesty enemy, Sanballet. Perhaps he could appropriately be called Sanballet the Sand Flea. Sanballet’s chief tool was discouragement and ridicule. He was constantly telling Nehemiah, “You are too feeble to do this! The work is too hard and extensive! Who do you think you are, anyway? You are just kidding yourselves!”

Sound familiar?

Listening to this kind of demoralizing message robs us of strength and renders us unable to act. It also produces fear. Yet Nehemiah’s example teaches us how to combat the Sanballets by keeping our focus on the “great and awesome” Lord who is also “favorable towards us.”

One of the best things we can do for our sex lives is to identify the pesty, deadly thoughts and then go about nixing them. Just as Nehemiah rebuilt the wall by carrying his tool in one hand and his sword in the other, so we too must keep the truth of the Sword with us as we go about our work. By doing this, Nehemiah and his coworkers were able to finish the work of rebuilding in a mere 52 days!

That’s the power of the truth.

I encourage you to find scriptures that counteract your particular pest. If you struggle with a sense of helplessness, here are some truths to get you started in the nixing process.

“I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“The things that are impossible with people are possible with God.” Luke 18:27

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

“The Lord God will not fail you nor forsake you.” Deut 30:8

“Commit your way to the Lord; Trust also in Him and HE will do it.” Psalms 37:5

Watch out sand fleas! Here we come!

Celebrate!

Hello?
Anybody home?
Summer settled in and it grew quiet around here—right in time for our first ZesTea Talk. LoL. Life happens—as we so well know.

I thought we'd give it another whirl during the week and not over a weekend when so many people are even busier. =) It's worth a try! We'll just keep trying until we get it right.

This week's topic is a fun one—at least I think so. Today is my anniversary! My wonderful husband and I have been married for 20 years. We probably won't be celebrating until Friday, though, and I need some help. I have a really active imagination, but it just blanks out when it comes to how to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries.

So, for this ZesTea Talk, let's talk about ways we can celebrate anniversaries. Ways that we as women would enjoy, but also ways that our men would enjoy. What have you done? Have you heard of something others have done that sounded great? What's something you'd like to do maybe in the future?

Help me out, girls, I need some ideas!

Hot 'N Heavy

At 37 weeks pregnant, I'm getting hot and heavy. Unfortunately I'm talking literally, not in terms of bedroom bliss. Being this big and this hot is downright miserable, not to mention the fact that it is putting a damper on the fun stuff. I know many of you are feeling my pain right now 'cause you've been there!

The truth is that we all go through times of ups and downs. Many factors affect the ebb and flow of our sexuality, and our recent poll results show that some of us are experiencing the ebb and some of us are experiencing the flow! Here are the results of the 57 votes:

Which Best Describes Your Sex Life?

Vroom Vroom! 6 votes (11%)

Steady in High Gear 15 votes (26%)

Middle of the Road 18 votes (32%)

Put-Put 8 votes (14%)

Stalled 10 votes (17%)

If you are in the "stalled" or "put-put" category, don't worry! We can still have great intimacy, even during seasons of ebbing. During these last few weeks of pregnancy, here are some things I'm learning about keeping things hot in the relationship...the good kind of hot.

1. There's more than one way to skin a cat. If the traditional way of skinning doesn't work well at the present... well like I said, there's more than one way. Nuff said.

2. Communicate your availability. It doesn't take long for our spouses to figure out when we aren't "in the mood." Letting my man know that I am "open for business" does wonders, even with all the baggage (read: belly) that goes with it. Making it a point to initiate and be responsive in spite of current conditions communicates that my man is a priority. It goes a long way, girlfriends!

3. Remember that connection is key. Believe it or not, men aren't just looking for sexual release. Of course that's pretty important, but their need for affirmation is just as important if not more so. By making it a point to connect in meaningful ways, we can affirm our spouses and meet their needs. Times of ebbing can be great opportunities for selflessness and springboards for greater connectedness.

4. This too shall pass. It is helpful for me to remember that this is just a season. It won't last forever. I also like to tell my man that the best is yet to come. I tell him that because I know it and I believe it. It's only going to get better. Seems for some reason he likes to hear that! :)

So...what other tips do you have for times of ebbing?

Grab Your Blues

Blue Footed Booby Mating Dance Part I

Get your blue shoes, girls, we've got work to do!

The Blue-footed Boobies are quite the birds! The word "booby" comes from the Spanish "bobo," meaning "stupid fellow," and was probably inspired by the bird's clumsiness on land and apparently unwarranted bravery.

Blue Footed Booby Mating Dance Part 2

Blue-footed boobies have a very elaborate mating ritual. The male raises one blue foot in the air, then the other, as he struts in front of the female. Both the male and the female stretch their necks and point their bills to the sky. The male spreads his wings and whistles. The female may tuck her head under her wing.


You've done this haven't you?
You haven't?
Okay. Neither have I—but maybe we ought to give it a try.

One of my favorite parts of the movie Cheaper by the Dozen, is when Kate (Hilary Duff) is walking back into the house and she does more than a sweet sashay, she twitches her butt back and forth. What husband wouldn't hurry home from work with a send-off like that?

And what about in Family Man, when Kate (Tea Leoni) sends her husband off to work? She doesn't just give him a quick kiss as he goes out the door, she chases him down and lays a doozie on him—even though they're on the front porch. Yowza. Not only did he have a silly grin from that kiss when went to work, he was anxious to get home, too.

Blue Footed Booby Mating Dance 3 by Capn Kroaker

When was the last time you did a little mating dance? Just a bit of a butt wiggle as you bent over to put dishes in the dishwasher, or a model's runway strut as you walked in front of your husband down the hall? What about a tango or a waltz around the living room? These are things you can do even when the kids are around. Does it hurt for the kids to see a little butt wiggle? No! Chances are it'll make 'em giggle. It lets them know mom and dad love each other, and gives them the security of knowing your marriage is strong and healthy.

It's easy to do, too! If a clumsy Booby can master that little dance, and have unwarranted bravery, then we should be able to as well. All it takes is a little awareness on our part. Sometime when we're loading the dishwasher, or bending over doing any of the million things we do as a mom or housekeeper, watch for a glance from the hubster. Or do something to catch his attention, he won't complain once he knows why we want it! Then, when he's glancing your way, put those blue shoes to work and give your butt a wiggle. Do a sashay. Be bold and twitch that butt as if you were twitching your nose to get the house cleaned genie style. I bet he'll start watching you a little more.

Blue-footed Boobies Mating Dance by EMKaufman

It's kinda like a Booby flashing his blue feet for his mate in his little dance. It'll let your man know you're thinking of him and build some anticipation of what's to come. Not only that, but it will build your own anticipation. If nothing else, it'll say 'I love you' in a way that is fun and sure to be appreciated.

Let's put on our blues, girls, and join those Boobies strutting their stuff. Surely we have something more than bright blue feet that will catch our husbands' attention.

Let's give our men a Booby prize.

"The Big O" Q & A

A woman's inability to experience what I call "The Big O" is one of the top five reasons why couples seek out a sex therapist. The Big O can really be a Big Deal. Thanks to the visuals on Patty's last post, we all know that The Big O is not referring to Oprah! :)

Today we've got Marla Taviano with us, author of the book "Is That All He Thinks About? How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband." Marla is a wife, mom, author, speaker, and zoo tourist! She is here to answer some questions about The Big O.

Marla, you have a chapter in your book about women and orgasms. How big of a deal is this among women?

Oh, orgasms are a pretty big deal. Even if they're not to you, they probably are to your husband. And I'm not talking about his—I'm talking about yours. Based on the anonymous (and unscientific) surveys for my book, most couples who aren't both regularly experiencing orgasm feel like something is missing in their sex life.

So how do you answer the question, "Are orgasms overrated?"

Are orgasms overrated? In a way, perhaps. Yes, you can still enjoy sex without reaching orgasm. A sexual experience without a climax is not a "failure." Sex is a complete and intimate experience, not just a mindless race to a goal. As author Tim Alan Gardner stresses, oneness, not orgasm, should be the goal of sex. That said, orgasms are still a fabulous frosting on the proverbial sexual cake.

Does God really care whether or not women experience sexual climax?

Yes. And I have proof. It's called your clitoris. You were "fearfully and wonderfully made," and God designed you with a body part that serves no other purpose than bringing you to orgasm. When women tell me, "God didn't create me to receive pleasure. I'm just here to give it to my husband," I have to disagree. He invented the clitoris exclusively for a woman's (and consequently her husband's) sexual pleasure.

What are some of the hindrances to sexual climax/orgasm?

The overdue mortgage payment. The fight you just had with your mom. Your annoying neighbor. The milk you forgot to pick up at the grocery store. The overflowing laundry baskets in the closet. Anything and everything can be a hindrance to orgasm for a woman. The biggest obstacle? In a word (or two), our minds. We're easily distracted, easily irritated, easily overwhelmed, easily offended. If we can't focus on sex, if we can't stay in the zone, we're not going to be able to climax.

What are some things we can do to aid our enjoyment of sex (and help promote sexual climax)?

I hate to sound like a commercial, but I do hope you'll read the book! I can't possibly squeeze 55,000 words into 500, and the book is just chock full of ideas for helping you enjoy sex with your hubby. Here are my top three suggestions: 1.) Pray. Seriously. Ask God to help you and hubby spice things up. He'll answer your prayer. He wants that for you too. 2.) Carve out time for sex. Make it a priority. Turn off the TV. Put down your book. Leave the dishes on the counter. You have to make an investment of time in your sex life, or your busy schedule will crowd it right out. 3.) Think about sex more. Throughout the day, brainstorm ways you can creatively make love. Read books on sex (preferably from a godly perspective). Shop for new lingerie. Send your hubby teasing text messages at work. Most guys think about sex without trying. Most women have to work at it a bit.

Is it okay if women need "help" like manual stimulation in order to achieve orgasm? Is this a sign of deficiency? We get a Hollywood idea that climax should be quick and easy and frankly, it isn't always that way. But should it be?

Orgasms in Hollywood might be quick and easy, but so are divorces. Generally speaking, things that are effortless bring the least satisfaction. A great marriage (complete with great sex) is hard work, plain and simple. But when you pour your heart and soul into it—and start reaping the benefits—oh, baby, it's so worth it!

And I didn't really answer your first question, did I? Yes, it's okay if you need "help." Here's what's important—your attitude. Do you want to enjoy sex with your husband? Are you willing to give it your all, even when it's really tough? Is your marriage worth some blood, sweat and tears? Then don't you worry about anyone else and her orgasms. Just keep at it, girl.

Any other comments, tips, or findings you care to share about this topic?

You're not alone, friend. No matter what struggles you have when it comes to sex, there are women out there going through the exact same thing. You're not a wacko. You're not an anomaly. Everyone else's marriage bed is not perfect. And no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT, there is hope for you and your marriage. I believe that with all my heart.


To hear more of what Marla has to dish about the topic of sex, click here to view her book "Is That All He Thinks About?" Thanks Marla for being open about this topic and for your encouragement! We look forward to having you back again!