Rebuild and Revamp

Hello there readers! Today I'd like to ask for your input in determining what I should share here on Adding Zest.

My posting has been hit and miss the last couple of months for two main reasons. First, I now have four children, three of them in diapers. 'Nuff said there.

But secondly, the work of rebuilding that God is doing in my life is of such a deep nature that I am having a hard time relating it to sex outright. In my past posts I have related the two and discussed how sex is an outflow of our spiritual health.

The work goes much deeper than that, however, and the deeper I go, the harder it gets to keep it in "intimate" terms.

So here is where I need your help. Are you interested in me continuing to share about the spiritual side of sex here on this blog, even when it encompasses more than "sex?" Or would you rather see my posts on this blog stay to sex?

To help you make that call, let me share just a tad of the non-sexual side which I would share about: Generational ruins in our lives that hinder us from emotional intimacy; developing skills that increase our capacity for intimacy and passing on these skills to our kids; learning to stop seeking approval from those whose opinions we value; tossing out fear and the sense of helplessness; getting rid of our need to control life (and our family members!); recognizing emotional manipulation in our relationships and replacing it with God's way of relating; increasing energy and inner resources for living; and more along all these lines.

This is rich, rich stuff that is transforming my life. The sexual aspect of my relationship can't help but be affected in some amazing ways...but like I said, it is a by product of tackling some greater issues. Sex is like the tip of the iceberg- the real foundation is what lies underneath. To improve the tip you'd do well to get underneath the surface.

Please vote in the sidebar as to whether or not you would like me to share these things on this blog in the coming year. You won't hurt my feelings, so please be honest :) I set it up this way so people can voice their honest opinion. Of course you can also leave a comment.

Thanks for your assistance! Patty and I both want to post helpful, real life stuff and your input enables us to stay on target.

Shopping For your Husband?

It's the biggest shopping day of the year—Black Friday.
What's on your list for your husband?

If you're anything like me, you might be hitting the panic button soon because you don't have the slightest idea of what to give your husband for Christmas. So, as one of our readers suggested, let's toss out some gift ideas for our husbands. Ideas that could be wrapped and put under the tree (with a rating of G or PG) but also ideas for gifts you give when it's just the two of you, alone, with no kids around. *wiggly eyebrows*

Some men have hobbies, making it easy to shop for them. Some don't mind practical gifts and some collect things...but what do you do if your man isn't one of them? What if you want to give him a personal gift. Just for him. Or just for the two of you.

In celebration of Christmas, Exemplify is hosting multiple community opportunities for their readers! Every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday in December up until Christmas they will be hosting link up events for you to share your Christmas traditions, recipes, favorite Christmas music, gift buying ideas and more. They will be offering a giveaway for each event and I can’t wait for the fun to begin.


Why do I mention this? Well, not only is Exemplify one of my favorites sites, and like a sister site to us, but on Tuesday, December 8th, Exemplify's Marriage Channel will be asking its readers to link up with gift ideas for our husbands! This will be a great way to get some creative gift ideas and think outside the box on how to surprise that darling husband of yours this year.

So I thought I'd give you a warm up lap to get your ideas flowing and give you time to work on something. Okay, so it's also so I can get some ideas for my husband—but I have an idea, I just don't know how to pull it off so I need some other ideas. LoL

Thankful for Them

This Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the States, so many of us are already getting ready for it. A lot of work goes into making Thanksgiving a holiday. There's grocery shopping and cleaning and baking and cooking and traveling and smiling—whether we feel like it or not. And Thanksgiving kicks off The Holiday Season for us. From here on out many of us are in full holiday mode—whether we're ready for it or not.

Holidays can be stressful for couples. There's extra financial pressure, time pressures as the schedule fills up with holiday happenings and then there's family pressure from extended family expectations and personality conflicts. It's an easy time to drift apart as a couple as each of you fulfill your responsibilities. Sometimes it feels like the only time you see each other is between midnight and 5 AM, and by then most of the romance has evaporated in the crush of everything else.

As wives and mothers, we feel the need to create a holiday atmosphere for our family and to create holiday memories for them that they'll carry with them into their own lives. That's an added pressure we feel and often it's easy to ignore, or overlook, our husbands as we see to everyone and everything else. After all, they're adults. They're big boys.

That's true, they are. But long after the kids move out and have kids of their own, who's going to be home with you, reliving those memories you're working so hard to create? Your husband is, that's who! You don't want to be sitting in your rocking chair remembering how much the kids loved the deluxe triple layer chocolate cherry cake you made while your hubby is sitting in his rocking chair remembering how stressed and grouchy you were as you made the thing. Not to mention the tirade you went into when he invited you to join him doing something you used to do together, before the kids came. His head may know you were stressed and that you didn't mean all those words that slipped out, but his heart may still remember the hurt.

This Thanksgiving, as you fly around doing all that needs doing, take time to land in your husband's lap a few times. Grab him as you run past and give him a hug to remember—you know the ones...full body contact from your ankles to the top of your head. Make taste testing the gravy a reminder to him that you love loving with him.

As your calendar fills in, block off time for each other. And keep it. Jealously guard it. Look at that time as dual purpose time: not only will it help you and your husband stay connected during the busyness, it will also give you a few hours to recharge. Yes, I know, spending that kind of time with your man takes energy, but it's energy well spent, often leaving you ready to face on the world again. It's time well spent. Even better than that, it's time well invested because it keeps us close and united as a couple which helps as we deal with all the extras that come at us.

As Thanksgiving heralds in the holiday season, make sure you show your husband you're thankful for him. It's a good place to start and end the holiday!

So tell me, what are some ways you can communicate thankfulness to your husband?

Laundry to Keep Handy

Awhile ago someone asked for some ideas for how to handle the mess and smells that sometimes accompanies sex. What a great question, and one I'm sure that many of us could respond to.

Here's a laundry list of some ideas...

summer laundry Uploaded by nottingham91

~Keep a spare set of sheets handy in your room. These aren't for changing your sheets, but rather to use as drop cloths. Leave one folded in half or even in quarters and drape it over your bed to catch any spills or moisture. A top sheet works best, but a bottom sheet works almost as well. When you're done, clean up is simple. No muss, no fuss.

For some of us, that spare sheet used as a drop cloth will help us relax and not worry about the mess. It will help us focus on connecting with our husbands, and enjoying the gift of sex God has given us.

Towel Rack Uploaded by chelstastic

~Another idea, which leaves more room for spontaneity, is to keep a hand towel or two nearby—maybe even in your night stand. These can be used as quick drop cloths (sheet savers), wipes (like baby wipes), and catch-alls (yanno, to catch those spermies from slipping and dripping. LoL. Sorry, but I bet you know what I'm talking about!)

Rainbow Shirts Uploaded by Curtana

~T-shirts are good for more than just wearing! =) Don't have a hand towel handy? Grab a t-shirt and use like a hand towel, or even a sheet. If you have older, observant kids who help you with the laundry, sometimes it's easier not to have them wonder about the odd-ball sheet in the laundry, or about how often you seem to be changing your sheets.

Instead of feeling the need to run to the bathroom right after being intimate with your husband, go ahead and snuggle in and bask in the afterglow. Just reach for that hand towel or t-shirt and use it as a pad or cork to keep the goo from goo-ing you.

Now, will fresh laundry keep you smelling fresh? No. But there's a trick or two you can do to help in that department, too. Sure, there's nice smelling lotion and powder, but I'm talking about more than just skin here. I'm talking about being clean inside, so while you're snuggling and basking in the afterglow of loving, you're not wrinkling your nose from the smell.

Try douching before loving.
A douche bag like this can be found at Wal-Mart, at pharmacies, and I'm sure other places, too. It's multi-purpose since it's a hot water bottle with tubing and nozzles to be used for enemas and douching. They aren't expensive and it's not a bad investment if you don't already have one.

If you're planning on a zesty evening, consider making douching part of your preparation. It rinses you out inside so you can relax—but here's a word of caution...make sure you're all drained out before jumping into bed, or you might leave a puddle. To help you drain, try doing a few deep knee bends or just plain squat down.

Some people use more than just water in their douche bag--they may add a splash of vinegar or a spoonful of baking soda. Before doing that, research first. Your vagina has a delicate pH balance and you don't want to knock that out of whack, or whack it out further than it is. Just a plain water douche will help freshen you.

Soap Uploaded by AMPhoto (Adam)

Another idea is to use a well-soaped washed cloth to wash everything your undies cover. (Well, not with Old Spice, but you get the idea. Maybe your husband could use the Old Spice though...) Think of it as if you were detailing a car—get every nook and cranny soaped. There's more of those than you might think. A quick swipe won't do it. Go for the intensive cleaning if you want fresh smelling. Shula will be covering this in one of her upcoming posts, but if you've been battling a little after-odor, this might help until then.

laundry basket By bestofbakingsoda

So tell me, what are some other suggestions for keeping your bedding fresh while you and your husband enjoy loving and beyond?

What About Solos?

I don't think a blog committed to discussing sex is complete without addressing the issue of solo sex. Many women wonder, “Is masturbation okay?” and this is an important question to be addressed.

There are many things that can be said about this and I am not going to say them all right here. I am , however, going to give you a link in a moment to a site that does a superb job covering this topic.

But first, there is a distinction that needs to be made between masturbation and solo sex.

The first can occur in marriage between two partners in several forms. My personal belief is that this is totally acceptable. As long as it is being done as a marriage bed activity it is not wrong and in fact can be very useful to the sexual satisfaction of both parties.

This is in keeping with the overall teaching of scripture that sexual activity is pure and undefiled in the sight of God when it is between a man and a woman inside of the marriage bonds.

One of the goals of sex is intimacy. Connection. Attachment. Using masturbation in the marriage bed does not hinder this from being accomplished.

In contrast, solo sex is when a partner gratifies herself away from her spouse (by herself, which is why it is called “solo.”) There are several pitfalls with this, one of them being that it does not lead to intimacy, connection, or attachment with your spouse.

In fact, it could actually rob your marriage of these things. Here is where there is much to be said and I’m going to refer you to Mark Driscoll’s link and let him do the saying. This link is to chapter five of his book “Porn-Again Christian.”

I want to close with this thought from my personal life: When I start to wonder “Is this okay?” about something, I have found it extremely helpful to ask, “Does it promote intimacy with my husband, or does it make me self reliant?” “Does it bring me closer to my spouse or does it simply gratify me?” This is a key concept and once we are able to distinguish between the two, we are able to make excellent judgment in terms of what is okay and what is better left undone.

I wish I had had this insight going into marriage. It has taken me a long time to come to understand this about sex and its purposes. I pass this on because someone reading might be in a position to hear this and save themselves a lot of backtracking in the future.

It is not always the easy or convenient route but when I commit myself to building intimacy, I am sure to be adding zest where it really counts: between me and my lover.

Click here to read Mark Driscoll’s discussion on masturbation.

Poll Time! (a Hostess Note)

We have a poll going on in the sidebar. You might have to scroll down to see it—I did that on purpose. You'll understand when you see it. *grin* We're looking for input about topics you're interested in. You can 'vote' for more than one topic, so click any that interest you. Your votes are completely anonymous, but if you'd like to add some thoughts or opinions, use the Contact Us tab above.

These topics are, of course related to the physical side of marriage and things most of us can't imagine our grandmothers even whispering about, so if your mouths drop open and you wish for a fire engine to put out blazing faces, I'm sorry. You should've seen me typing this poll in...um. Yeah.

We really would like your input on these topics, so please stop by when you can and vote. I'll leave the poll up through at least Wednesday, November 18th, possibly through Friday, so you have time –in case you can't get to it right away.

Wonder why we have some graphic posts? Check out our Purpose tab above and also the Hostess Notes.

Seeking Him,

Kitchen Style Handwork

Hello you zesty chicas! Time sure does fly, doesn't it? How do you like the banner Patty for us? This way those of you that don't want to read things this graphic will know with a quick look that you are now entering the Shula Zone. (where Shulamites roam free.) LoL I love it! Thank you, Patty!

Well, today I thought we'd work on some handwork again.

Cucumbers are good for more than salads and putting on your eyes. They're good for practicing hand moves too! So here's what you do. Pull a cuke out of the fridge and stand it up in a tissue box. Don't have one? Put it on your shopping list—it'll be a double reminder for you to be thinking about your husband in fun ways.

So, stand a cucumber in a tissue box and voilà! You're ready to practice.



Now, in our first handwork post we talked about our hands and knitting. We want to knit our hands and fingers together so we make a sheath with them, kind of like if we were knitting the thumb of a mitten. Your husband's ivory penis goes inside that sheath and you gently slide our hands up and down, like we talked about last time.

To add some variety to this basic stroke try adding a pulse at times. This simulates your vagina when you're climaxing. It's a gentle squeeze, release, squeeze, release pattern. Go for about one pulse every second. You can be still as you pulse or you can keep your hands going up and down. If he's ejaculating, try to pulse in time with him but stop any stroking because he might be too sensitive to motion at this point and the stroke would take away from his climax. Remember, you can practice on that cucumber if you want to!

Let's go back to the kitchen now and pull out a lemon and your juicer. You know when you're trying to get the last drops of juice out of a lemon, how you twist it and pivot your hand so the tip of the juicer gets the sides of the lemon, too? Keep that in mind as we do the Twist. :-)

The twist is for just the head of your husband's penis and the secret is in your wrist action. It reminds me of giving a newborn a bath and washing her head. You know how you hold the baby's neck and head and then swirl a soft wash cloth across her forehead, around to the back of her head and then back to the front again? That's a simplified version of what you'll be doing with the twist. (So if my instructions below confuse you, just come back to this and try it as if you were washing a baby's head.)

**Make an O with your hand and turn it on its side so the circle of your index finger and thumb are encircling the lemon (or cuke) and you're looking at the backside of your hand, with the knuckle of you index finger closest to the floor.

**Now, while still gripping the lemon, rotate your wrist so it's bent almost double and you're looking at the topside of your wrist with your fingers curled away from your body and toward the underside of your forearm.

**Swivel your hand so your palm is parallel to the floor and your thumb is pointing down. If you're practicing on the cucumber, your thumb will be brushing lower on the cucumber, just as you want it to on your husband's ivory.

**As you swivel your hand along the top of the lemon (or cuke), let your thumb drag in a circular motion, still pointing down.

The more you rotate your wrist, the better the twist.

Your thumb will stay on the underside of your husband's ivory, gently making a circle as your palm rotates on the head of his penis and lands back in its starting position. Watch for feedback from your husband and do some experimenting.

Tailor the twist to your man and what he likes.
And one more thing. When you do this for your husband, make sure to take off any rings or bracelets you might be wearing. Those tend to be hard and unyielding and and could easily scrape or hurt him. Some people say that rings that are perfectly smooth are okay, but it's better to err on the side of cautious than to make your man gun shy and jumpy.

Come back on Friday!
Patty will be posting a poll.

When You Aren't Connecting

Have you ever had those times in your marriage when you and your husband just don't seem to be connecting emotionally? Like there's a huge gap between the two of you? It's not that you're fighting or even mad at each other, but you don't seem to be on the same wave length. You're just not feeling close to each other. It happens. And when it does, sometimes it's really hard to not only bridge the gap, but close the chasm, too.

One good step that might help us bridge the gap and connect emotionally is to connect physically. In fact, sometimes that physical connection is what it takes for the emotional connection to click back into place. But it seems that this is exactly when connecting physically is extra hard. I mean, you don't feel like making love with your husband, and you don't feel like spending the time with him and putting that much energy into something you'd rather skip at the moment. Why fake it? Faking it isn't the honest thing to do. You know it. I know it. Our husbands know it.

But...

You don't have to fake it! You just have to take that first step. Then another. And another. And another. How often do we start things out of necessity or duty and then realize somewhere along the way that hey, we're having fun? The same can happen with loving our husbands!

If we were to let our emotions rule our lives we'd be a mess. So we don't. Yet all too often we let our emotions rule our marriages and our love lives. That might've been great when we were first married, but now that the honeymoon is long gone, it's time to live purposefully. And love purposefully. That means deciding where we want to go and then get going. That means stripping and slipping into bed even when we don't feel like it. It means ruling our lives with our heads and letting our emotions catch up with us. And they will! Just like a boat will follow the lead of the winch onto a boat trailer, our emotions follow our purposeful leading.

Choosing to make love simply to reestablish the connection between us is living and loving purposefully. It's like getting a track hoe and filling in the chasm that's developed between us, one scoop at a time. Sometimes all it takes is just once, but other times it takes much more. If we let that distance between us linger, it will only get harder and harder to fix and it's not something we want in our marriages. But even if the gap has grown into a chasm, don't give up if reconnecting physically doesn't seem to reconnect you emotionally. Many times the best things in life are not the easy things, and our marriages definitely fit in that category.

We can choose to physically connect with our husbands simply to reestablish closeness. That closeness is a step in the right direction and it's easier to steer an object in motion than it is something that's not moving. Keep that forward momentum going.

So tell me, how are your connections?
What are some things you do to connect and stay connected?

Sexpectations

Expectations. They're something we all have. Sometimes those expectations work in our favor and sometimes they come back and bite us. Sexpectations are no different. Well that's not entirely true. Sexpectation seem to have a bigger bite than normal expectations, often leaving worse wounds. If left untended, those wounds can fester and turn into gangrene, killing our marriages, or at least parts of them. So how can we deal with our sexpectations in a balanced and healthy way that benefits us and our husbands?

-->Confront your sexpectations head on.
If you don't already know them, figure out what you expect out of your husband during your intimate times.

-->Examine them.
Are they realistic? If you expect toe-curling, explosive orgasms with each encounter, they probably aren't realistic.

-->Communicate them.
Sometimes we need to let our husbands know verbally what we expect. Men aren't good mind readers. For that matter, neither are women.

-->Relinquish your sexpectations.
Yup. You heard me right. Be willing to let go of your sexpectations for awhile. By letting go of them, you free yourself up to enjoy and accept anything that you receive from your husband.

Due to all kinds of circumstances, many of us are in this place, or have been at some point, even if our marriages are solid and strong. Sometimes there are physical reasons for needing to relinquish our sexpectations, and other times there are extreme time limitations or travel requirements have separated us.

And if you're thinking that all these things apply to our husbands too, you are SO right! It's good to know what our husbands expect from us. Don't settle for guessing or reading his mind. He's a man, and who can figure out what they think? We may think we have an idea, but often our idea is only partially true...if we're even close. Ask him if there are things he expects, you might just be surprised.

Remember, we are only responsible for our own actions. Which means we may very well need to take these steps and even relinquish our sexpectations before our husbands even know we are.

Are there some sexpectations that are harder for you to let go of than others?

Links...

The plans of mice and men--I had a post started and a time slated to finish it, but my family had an opportunity to put some action to our faith so I set aside my plans. As soon as I get the post finished I'll post it, but until then here's a couple links I wanted to pass on to you...

Awhile ago I shared with you a link to Who Does Your Heart Belong To? and I wanted to be sure to pass on part two, Covenant Keeping Love. They are some excellent marriage posts that I came across. :]

Here's another keeper: How to Fall in Love Again by Ann Voskamp. Part of loving our men and building our marriages is accepting love, and sometimes it's one of the hardest things to do.

Today's THE Day at Exemplify! I'm so excited! Exemplify has started its new blog channels, so there's now blog pages for Family, Singles, Devotionals, Ministry and Marriage. If you don't already visit Exemplify, swing by and meet the crew. They're an awesome bunch of ladies and I bet you'll love them as much as I do.

And don't forget to check out and participate in Heidi's Candle in the Corner event.

Love you girls! =) You're the bestest!