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A couple weeks ago I was browsing on the Family Life Today site and came across the comment below. It was one of those comments that leave you thinking for a few days. My think time is in the shower, so I had a couple conversations with God about this comment while showering.
I'm sharing the comment here because, well...maybe one of our husbands wrote it.
There is no condemnation here. This is simply a great chance for us to peek inside a man's head. Perhaps it will help someone recognize and understand the difference in thinking between men and women and help bridge the gap.
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"I have a question around sexual sin. My wife constantly tells me I am addicted to sex because I would like to have intimacy more than once a week or every two weeks. I am a new Christian and am trying so hard to stay away from porn so that I may find that one true love with her (agape) and be a husband she can desire.
I do spend my time honoring God and doing anything I can to take weight off her shoulders (doing dishes, vacuuming floors, watching kids, etc) but when it comes to my needs, its as if I’m the one with the issues. She does not understand my temptation that I do face every day and most of the time I can control my actions with God’s help. Other times I hurt so bad it’s shrugged off as that is my issue “I’m not in the mood.”
How do I battle an enemy that is always knocking at my door when I have a wife who’s sex drive does not exist and feels she has no issues. Other times when we communicate about it she makes the statement that that is always my problem.
Am I really addicted to making love to my wife because I desire her more than porn or another woman?
FYI... I have never cheated on my wife and I do want to turn from my sins. But I don’t know how to relieve the pain without something done. I am just lost and don’t know what to do. She makes me feel I am always to blame for having sexual desire for her.
Once I tested to see how long before she would want me. It took 3 months before I could not take it anymore. She thought it was three weeks…PLEASE HELP!”
~~ Some questions for discussion... what is a healthy frequency? How would you approach a friend whose husband was being deprived? How can we keep our hearts hot and our energy levels high to serve our men sexually? If your man were to write a gut-honest comment, what would his say?
Some good food for thought, here, zesty chicks! We'd love to hear your feedback...
15 Zesters spoke up:
I think women are so caught up in their rights and their needs that they just don't realise their husbands have them too, when was the last time we heard a campaign for mens needs?
The frequency issue varies, but we try to keep to twice a week as a minimum for intimate time together. I certainly think at least once a week is good. I don't think the issue for him is even so much the lack of frequency though, but as he said, he went 3 months without sex because she never felt like it, never initiated.
I feel so sorry for this guy, and
I wish I had the opportunity to talk to the wife and explain it to her, perhaps in terms she will understand better than her husband can.
We have the opposite problem in this house... it's me that wants 'it' and he that is too tired, too busy, too whatever. 10 Years of this has NOT BEEN GOOD and he's never believed me that it's the cause of most of our conflict... he might now though... recently he agreed to put some effort in and aim for a minimum of twice a week for 2 months to see if there was a difference in the rest of life. Yes there is! Among many things, we're not arguing any more, about anything, WOO HOO!
And he loves it... I mean, once you're into it, it's a rare man or woman that doesn't enjoy themselves. The hard bit is the initial effort.
Media unfortunately supports this woman's stance. A news programme recently was quite amused to be interviewing a woman who was interested in pleasing and meeting her husbands needs. I wanted to be sick!!
We need more preached about this in church and bible study groups. Women need to be making sure their own girlfriends get the message... The bible tells us to not DEPRIVE one another except by agreement for a time of fasting and prayer!!
This hurts my heart. If everything he's saying is true, then this wife is violating her wedding vows and abusing the power she has in her marriage. I see this so often and do my best to open women's eyes to the truth--that their attitudes and actions are selfish and sinful. I know this because I've been there, done that and still do it when I'm not careful.
My heart goes out to this couple and the husband because that took a lot of courage to write. There are so many stories out there about men who felt deprived and found a way to have their needs met outside the marriage bed. It's devastating.
I think wives need to be aware that it is a true need and communication is key. Husbands need understanding on how the daily stressors of life and just a slight shift in hormonal balance can make all the difference. Exhaustion, baby blues or depression are big reasons why three weeks can turn into three months---I know that first hand.
Dr. Kevin Leman is a great author and encourager of healthy intimate relationships in marriage. S*x Starts in the Kitchen, Bonkers, and many many more helped me and my husband understand a bit more.
Thank you for this article. I think so many times us as women get caught up in how we feel and forget about our husband's needs. This could of very well been my husband writing this a while back. I have started preparing myself by praying and having 15 minutes to myself before bed to pray. I find that it helps me to relax before bed. It really has helped me be the wife God created me to be.
Oh my. This hit me...*right there* so to speak. I am currently trying to break this cycle. This person could be my husband (except the new Christian part). This has been my husband and myself for so long it isn't funny. We got rid of porn quite some time ago...but I just didn't have any desire...whatsoever. The fact that my husband wanted it 'all the time' only aggravated me. Truth being...he didn't really have an 'addiction' problem...he just wanted to be intimate with his wife. I lacked desire because of various reasons...I was tired (wasn't HE?), my self-esteem issues, it was 'too late', etc...but I found recently that if I will allow him to just kiss me or pinch my hiney without saying anything...or other little things...I'm more apt to be 'ok with it' if he initiated sex. Then the strangest thing happened...once things got going I was able to get into it. Once we were intimate more...I wanted it more. Now I'm hoping to have turned the cycle around!!
I wonder if there are other issues at work under the surface. Abuse can cause a woman to look for "excuses" not to be intimate. She might even fear it.
One in three women is a victim of some kind of unwanted sexual attention from veuyerism, to inappropriate touch to actual rape or incest. Those events can cause a lot of damage to a woman's sexuality including feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, shame, poor body immage, etc.
Often a woman needs a healing in that area of her life along with good Bible teaching on the sexual relationship between a man and woman.
God created our sexuality - it's a beautiful gift between a husband and a wife. It is very closely akin to the intimacy Christ desires from us as His bride - yes even including the wild and wonderful emotions that go along with it.
When was the last time we prayed passionately to Christ and felt His Spirit sweep over our soul driving us to ecstacy and praise?
Chances are, if a woman can't enjoy that level of intimacy in her relationship with her husband, she isn't able to be totally intimate in her relationship with Christ either.
Sadly enough, the very relationships that should strengthen us and help us to cope with all the other difficulties in life are the ones that cause us the most pain.
We need tp pray for each other and encourage one another to discover fully what it means to be whole, valuable, sexual beings - Daughters of God who enjoy the abundance of life and relationship He promises!
Reading this left me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. My husband and I have struggled through similar issues, but God has been gracious and even though it has been a struggle He has continued to push both of us in this area. It takes work and willingness from both sides for this whole element of marriage to work in harmony.
My heart feels heavy and so sad for both the husband and wife in this situation. The husband whose heart's desire is to be faithful and shield himself from the temptation of the world and the wife who evidently does not understand what Scripture has to say about intimacy between a husband and wife. My inkling is that neither of these people have anyone to talk with about this...and are probably talking very little to each other about the situation. The fact of the matter that this is just one example among literally millions of marriages, Christian and secular that are struggling. I pray that the Lord would sustain this husband and that his wife's eyes would be open to her beautiful role as a wife to love, sustain, and encourage her husband. I need to be reminded of that myself daily.
Please Please Please Ladies if you can identify with this wife stop the cycle. That was me. My husband lived that way for eight years until he just couldn't take it anymore and left. You'd be surprised at how much you long for that touch that you always shrugged away from. It's like many of these other ladies have said, once you get going you will usually be into and find yourself wanting more.
Adding Zest is a wonderful tool to healing marriages. I encourage every woman to daily ask the Lord to change HER and not him. Ask the Lord to show you how your husband sees you and how He sees you. If you are anything like me you will be humbly ashamed.
Don't look at it as a chore but this precious gift that the Lord gave you to please your husbands because it truly is.
I am blessed by this husband's honesty and desire to honor God in his marriage. All of these comments added great insight...
This husband's honesty makes me realize just what goes through a man's mind and what they fight each day to stay focused on loving us... and it makes me want to love on my husband more!
Jennifer
1 Corinthians 7:5
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
A hard command to follow at the end of the day...but a very important one
Sadly, for most of the wrold this is the 'norm'.
Great comments and thoughts, ladies (and maybe a man in there anonymously?) Thank you!
I think this is much more common than we are aware. As women, we struggle with so many different roles...sometimes the needs of our husbands come last. This is not Biblical, and we do need to work to change this. Yes, I agree with the commenter that Adding Zest is a wonderful help in this area. Thanks, Heidi, for sharing this!
My husband and I have fought this battle and at times still do. My husband battled porn addiction and lust and I just "couldn't stomach it". Now,with my work schedule and his, we only see each other a couple of times a week while we are awake, so it makes intimacy more difficult but more important.
One of the other big things I had to get over is his "inappropriate touching" in public and infront of our children. It made me feel dirty and made it much more difficult for me to be interested in intimacy. He will still do that occasionally (not in front of the children anymore)even though he knows how it makes me feel and then it becomes a bit more difficult to enjoy intimacy or even want it. He just doesn't understand it, because that is the only way he knows to show me that he loves me.
My husband has been this man, and it's not a good place to be for a man or a marriage.
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