Are You Number 2?

I confess that growing up, when it came to marriage, my writer's imagination conjured up many scenarios. I remember dreaming:

-That Shaun Cassidy was going to propose to me with a romantic song he wrote just for me.

-A tall Clark Kent type was going to tame my sassy Lois Lane personality.

-The elusive upperclassman I had a not so secret crush on was going to renounce the unwritten high school rule about dating freshman and let the world know his future was with me (a la Sixteen Candles).

-I didn't know who he was but there were white picket fences, a gorgeous house, and 2.5 perfect children.

Although I attempted to act tough and non caring about relationships, I longed for marriage and thought about it often. When the real deal called my husband entered my life, he wasn't any of the marriage scenes I created.

He sings, but his name isn't Shaun Cassidy.

We're the same height. He's not Clark Kent anymore than I'm Lois Lane.

He is older, but our romance was nothing like Sixteen Candles or any other romantic movie I'd warp watching over and over wondering how marriage would be for me.

What was reality?

I became Mrs. Thomas Arduini.

And I was the second one to write that name on checks.

I fell in love with a divorced man who had two children. As lovely as our wedding day was involving his children in our family prayer, the fairy tale quickly crashed.

Beyond child support and long distance communications with the kids, I grew obsessed over an issue and a number.

I was wife number two.

Our wedding night was great, but it's where my thinking started over being number two. He already had a wedding night. I convinced myself that the wedding night, the first day of the honeymoon, the last day, etc...were nothing to him. He'd been there, done that. Literally.

Ditto for our first house, first pregnancy, first miscarriage, all the first big events were never celebrations for me. I was consumed with the fact that this was old news for him. I couldn't enjoy being Mr. and Mrs. Arduini because that role had already been taken. The visual I associated with were my college days watching soap operas when a sub took a main character's place. A voiceover let you know the part of so and so would be played by this new actor. The sub was never as good as the original.

Imagine my negative attitude when it came to matters of zest. Nothing was new to him. If there was something he introduced, I couldn't think about the oneness I was experiencing with my husband. I wondered how many times he enjoyed those things before me. It didn't take long before the defeated one (devil) brought my obsession into a depression with the constant thinking that my performance was just like the soap opera sub. Forgettable.

My sense is someone reading this is wife number two or dealing with guilt because they are not the "first" or perhaps their spouse isn't. When your spouse proposes something new, anxiety rises and you can't focus on the wonderful opportunities before you. I pray you learn from my mistakes.

I stayed in this pattern for five years.

Breaking free from the second place thinking took confessing to God and to a prayer partner who gave encouragement and Scriptures. I had to take each thought to Christ and allow Him to renew my mind. In time I sat down with my husband and confessed my thinking. I sobbed, certain I was the worst wife ever. My husband took my hand and said the simplest thing.

"Honey, all those things were my first with you. I wouldn't trade them for anything. You're also the last Mrs. Arduini. That's where my focus is."

Where's your focus? If you are number two, make your moments with your spouse golden. To him, you will always be first place.

http://www.juliearduini.com


Surrendering the good, the bad, and---maybe one day---the chocolate

Contact Me

Julie Arduini: The Surrendered Scribe An Author Provided Book Review: C. Maggie Woychik's I Run to the Hills

--- @ WiseStamp Signature. Get it now