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Infertility.
The ironic thing was, I never had that maternal instinct or drive to be the mama. My dreams included outlandish worldly success and approval. My vision of children seemed restrictive to my dreams, so it was a second thought for 25 years.
That's when I met the man I knew I was meant to marry.
It's also the year I had severe and consistent pain on my sides and pelvic region. My doctor sat me down and asked me if there was anyone special in my life. As I gushed on and on about this new man in my life, I realized the doctor had more to say.
He believed (and it was later confirmed) that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS. The doctor sat with me for 45 minutes and shared not only info on PCOS, but his own experience with his wife and her endometreosis. A faith-full man, he challenged me to not take his diagnosis too seriously. After all, he explained, he's just a man. I knew the GOD who heals.
Bottom line...my chances to conceive were slim to possibly none.
I will post another time on those feelings and about our newlywed experience because I'm pretty sure it's not typical fare, not even for the Zesty ladies (Hint, did your beginning intimate moments with your husband start with a needle full of progesterone in the butt? Told you...)
What I will post today because I sense someone right now needs to read it is the obsession infertility can bring. I was a master with the online groups and TTC (trying to conceive) forums. I read anything about infertility from magazines to the back of milk cartons (well I would have, that is.) Infertility dominated my thoughts, my words, my work, my prayer time, everything about me.
Most of all, my most sacred of times with my husband.
Infertility is a force to be reckoned with in a lot of ways, and the slow poison infertility eeks out is killing the oneness in marriage. My husband never had to worry about me having a headache, if anything, he wished he had one. Knowing my husband in a Biblical way was rarely about romance, it was about the mission.
I referred to our pending romance with such science and technical terms I most likely made basting a turkey sound more exciting than what we were about to do. Positions? I laugh at the crazy positions I twisted myself into in the "afterglow" of our time together. I had a clock nearby that would check off the minutes before I would allow myself to untangle. It wasn't about intimacy, it was about ovulation. I was obsessed.
If you have tears running down your face, chances are you've created some knots in the bedroom too, all for the sake of conquering infertility. I pray you learn from my experience. My single focus on the matter didn't bring about oneness, it created isolation. My husband felt like a servant, not my beloved. I was so hooked on what books said I forgot about the most important book of all, the Bible.It took months and a lot of tears, but I dedicated my thoughts to God's promises. I claimed Psalm 37:4, Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart as His promise for us. As I believed God for that, I desired my husband. Not the ovulation schedule, the clock, the internet groups, nothing but my husband.
I had one of the most severe cases of PCOS my surgeon had seen. Again, I'll share more another time but statistics were not in our favor to conceive. Yet I had a consuming passion for God and His word, and a passion for my husband.
My doctor prescribed Clomid for me, and about that time I got a horrible cold.
I didn't even take an entire round of Clomid.
My "cold" is nearly 12 years old.
I also leave the crazy contortions to professional gymnasts.
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Surrendering the good, the bad, and---maybe one day---the chocolate
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5 Zesters spoke up:
I wasn't infertile, but I have a sexual issue that means my poor husband is still, physically, a virgin. The doctor reccons I'll finally be able to have intercourse before the end of the year, but I know what it's like for it to become mechanical, especially as we were trying for child with, basically, a turkey baster!
Funnily enough it was the one month we tried only once for a child, before deciding to give up and be more intimate and less mechanical, which was the month I actually conceived.
Thank you so much, Julie, for sharing this. I know it is helpful to others.
I appreciate the comments, it's not easy confessing how unromantic I was but my sense is someone else can be set free from that obsession and truly enjoy their husband.
Hey Julie, It might sound presumptuous, but I think this post might have been for me... I can definitely hear God speaking into my heart on this one, having also been diagnosed with PCOS... I know how tempting it is to fall into the mechanics and outcomes rather than the deep intimacy and partnership... Thanks for triggering the tears that needed to be shed...
After 21 years of childless marriage, people no longer ask, "So when are you going to have kids?" I never did obsess to the same extremes, but I do remember having relations on command and schedule being NO fun. It was much better when I gave up trying and just waited on the Lord.
Sometimes I still wonder if He'll answer that prayer in my old age, like He did Sarah. My husband sure hopes not. :)
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