I Want What I Want

Okay so today I’m sitting outside by my kid’s pool with my children and my sixteen year old comes out and here is the conversation that ensues.

16 yr old: I need to get a tan. NOW!

Me: Oookaay. Why the rush?

16 yr old: Because we are going to the pool next week and I don’t want to show up all pale.

Me: You aren’t going to be the only one there without a tan. Trust me.

16 yr old: You’re not listening to me, I need to get a tan TODAY!

Me: Well, that’s not really possible, but you could put on a low SPF sunscreen and sit outside for about 15-20 minutes a day for the next several days. That’ll give you a nice base tan, and you won’t feel so self conscious.

16 yr old: I don’t want to wait that long. That’ll take forever! Oh never-mind! Just forget it, I’ll wear a t-shirt.

What’s my point? Well, isn’t it obvious?! He wanted instant results. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. NOW! And since he couldn’t get what he wanted right NOW!, he’s mad and has decided it isn’t worth the effort and has given up. He has gone the route of settling for second best.

How many times do we do that in our marriages? You want something and you want it NOW! Not only do you want it NOW, but you know exactly how you want it and why you are entitled to it. Am I right?

I realize this post is for the men – so I will aim it at you. But it applies to both husband and wife. We are both guilty of insisting upon “instant gratification”, and both guilty of settling for second best.

So back to my son for a moment, he has known for weeks that we will be buying a season pass to the pool and water-park. We do it every year. He also knows that every year he hates showing up with that winter white glow. But, it’s not important enough to him to do a little prep work in advance to be ready when the time comes.

So, what is the issue in your marriage? What is that thing that you want RIGHT NOW? I dare say it isn’t a “new thing”. I’m pretty confident you can point to one or two things that tend to come up over and over again, with varying degrees of urgency but always there.

That time has come again, just as it always does. I want what I want! How do you handle it when it resurfaces? Do you become frustrated, angry, resentful? So what do you do in that moment? Do you push and shove? Cajole? Maybe you bribe and coerce. Or maybe, you manipulate.

To that I say, what were you doing about it yesterday? That’s right – yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that?

So for simplicity sake let’s make this about sex! Why not? It is often times the biggest complaint married men have. Husbands want MORE sex and their wives won’t give it up. And there you have it – a stalemate! Who is going to prevail today? Who prevailed last time this issue reared its ugly head? It’s irrelevant because both lose when it comes down to this. If more sex is what you want, then you should probably be making strides towards making that happen before it becomes a matter of supreme urgency!

Back to the question of what were you doing about it yesterday. If you know that you would like to be intimate with your wife on Thursday, then on Tuesday you might want to think ahead as to what she has going on Thursday. What can you do to ease her stress that day? And, lest you be completely obvious you should be as helpful as possible on Tuesday and Wednesday as well!

Beyond making life a little simpler for her, you want to make her feel appreciated, special. Whatever your wife’s daytime job is, she is a busy lady. There is much for a woman to do in a day, and it’s likely she feels under appreciated most of the time. So it’s up to you to be her cheerleader! Let her know you value her and that you know what she does is important and that’s she’s doing a good job! And, again, don’t wait ‘til the day you want something, to show your appreciation. She’s smart - and won’t buy it. But, if you will take the time to do a little prep work, she may respond very differently this time. And who knows, maybe, juuuust maybe she’ll take the bull by the horns! ;-)