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“Whether we actually have them or whether we do not, women crave full and happy sex lives because we know we feel more alive when we do. So how can we want this vibrancy for ourselves and not for our daughters? If we want our daughters to feel sexually comfortable as women, we need to help them feel comfortable along the entire journey, and our awkward avoidance and judgment won't get them there.”“Teaching Our Daughters About Sex: Sexual Mothers, Sexual Daughters” by Joyce McFadden
My original intention for this post was to reflect on what I learned about sex and sexuality from my parents. Soon and sadly I realized a few sentences would suffice. Well, I’m being generous. Maybe fewer than a few.
You know that expression about being conspicuous by your absence? That’s mostly how I learned about sex when I was growing up; it couldn’t be all that great if no one was talking about it.
But a funny thing happened on the way to fault my parents for neglecting to pay attention to my need for information about the physical, mental and emotional aspects of sex. The finger of accusation spun around and poked me in the eye.
My three daughters are 30, 27, and 27; the oldest is married. And how many nurturing discussions did we share? I’m truly humbled and ashamed to admit that anyone of them could have written the first paragraph of my post.
When they were young, we had the generic “where babies come from” talk. When they were in high school we talked about the sex…the sex everyone else was having. Those heartwarming conversations of girls they knew who were “sleeping around, shacking up with, knocked up by” and other tales of the promiscuous.
So why didn’t I have the open and honest discussions that McFadden writes about in her article? I suppose I could rationalize that it’s a generational defect. I could argue that most children find thinking that their parents have sex, nonetheless enjoy it, is the definition of taboo.
I never intended for my daughters to struggle with the same inadequacies and misconceptions that shadowed me for most of my adult life. Writing this now, though, I wonder where I thought they’d get healthy information about themselves as the sexual women God intended them to be. Where were they supposed to learn about the joy that comes from sexual intimacy with their husbands, how that reflects the level of intimacy we share with our God?
I hope that it’s not too late to share what I’ve learned with my daughters.
My prayer is that I still have a chance to break the cycle before it comes around to my granddaughters.
8 Zesters spoke up:
Oh, how much I pray that I will one day have these conversations with any daughters we are blessed with. I can only pray that they will not travel through the same anxieties and inadequacies that I have. Thank you for the recommendation - its on the list!
Well... My parents aren't Christians, and sex was not something we talked about, ever!!! We were given a book, that covered the "mechanics" of sex, but never mentioned the emotional aspect, let alone the spiritual aspect. I am forever thankful for Song of Solomon, and a couple of gracious women of God, who have shared of themselves and what insight God has given them regarding sex. I also don't have girls, just two boys, and think this is as important to share with them as it would be to share with any daughters... God bless you!
My grandmother's conversation about sex was "I'd rather bury one of you girl's than have you turn up pregnant" When my mom was 16 and dating, her boyfriend (now husband of 41 years) got her a book and said "I think you should read this" because she was so clueless!
My mother's conversation with me about sex was pretty open, however I think she let me in too much on the "romance" side, bringing me along to decorate the hotel room for anniversary nights, laying out the strawberries and special negligees.
I was primed to seduce and when i started dating at 17 (a much older man) he was happy to allow me to seduce him. The problem was, I had NO IDEA what to do after they were turned on and how to get out of there, because I really did want to be a virgin when I got married! Over and over I was suprised by the results of my "romancing" and how far he wanted to go.
Fortunately God removed me from that relationship and set me on a much better path with my husband of 14 years. We have one daughter and 3 sons.
We are committed to transparency about God's plan for sex. God creates good things, gives his children good gifts and they are best when enjoyed in the place he says. That is our constanct mantra!
When we recently announced our pregnancy, my daughter (age 9) came to me a few days later. She said "I've been thinking... you've been havin' some of the 's'". Confused, I asked what she meant. "You and dad, you've been having some of the s-e-x, that's how a baby got in there!"
All I could do is laugh and say, "yes, that's what happily married people do honey!"
Thank you for being so transparent! I so need to do this with my children. Praying I find the words to say and the right time to say it.
Yes, so true! I think for many of us it is fear that prevents us from being open and honest in our relationships. We need to let the truth be known in a loving way and pass on what God has blessed us with. " Freely you have recieved, freely give."
The truth about sex will be what keeps our children, and us, from believing the lies that abound in the world by which Satan seeks to destroy us. " Greater is He that is in you."
This is really needed. My daughter is only eight, but one day I want her to know more about sex than I did when I got married. I want her to understand God's plan for an intimate marriage relationship. I don't think it will be easy for me, but I want that open communication with my daughter. I didn't have that with my mom.
-FringeGirl
Thanks for your comments. I'm learning so much from all of you!
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