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There is something that speaks deeply to a woman’s heart when she is pursued and sought out by the one she loves. When I think back to my years long high school romance, I can’t believe how many ways my (now) husband would show me he loved me. Almost exclusively in non-physical fashion, he was on a constant quest to think of something new, something that would communicate the way he felt about me. Brownies with love notes written on foil and baked inside….day hiking trips to special places. It’s no wonder I wanted to marry him when I was 17!
After five years of marriage and the birth of our first child, I began to understand how the passionate, regular physical connecting could change. It wasn’t intentional of course.
But when your day is spent meeting every practical need of a new baby or being climbed on by an energetic toddler, it’s easy to get to the end of the day with no room left in your personal bubble. I remember feeling like if I was touched or tugged at or ‘needed’ in any other way by bedtime, I just might scream.I was sure I was perfectly justified to feel that way. Talking with other moms often only fueled my feelings. It was easy to compile a long list of why we had all earned the right to go straight to sleep at the end of the day. The problem with my way of thinking and the direction of the mommy-conversations was that they were all about ME.
I lost sight of the husband who got up every single day and went to work so that I would be able to stay home and care for our children. I rarely stopped to appreciate his part of the deal. I made it clear with a cold shoulder or a lame excuse after kids were asleep that the one and only thing I wanted was sleep too. Immediately.
While it is natural that the newborn or toddler stage left me tired and ‘touched out’, it wasn’t natural or even healthy to not make time for sex with my husband. Men are intrinsically wired by our Creator God to think about and need physical intimacy. I wish I had understood this better when we starting having children.
By the time we had two babies, just one year apart I was pretty overwhelmed. After enough times of pursuing me and being shut down, he eased up. Instead of relief, I felt only guilt. I watched my insecurity increase. I started to doubt the way my husband felt about me and if he thought I was still beautiful.
I would talk with young moms and it was clear they had ‘laid down the law’ in their homes and only connected sexually every few weeks or months with their spouses. This struck me as a long ways from what was healthy or ideal for any man. It didn’t seem right that the wife should hold all the power and control of when and how often.
As He so faithfully does, God gently showed me that what I thought I wanted wasn’t actually what was best for me and for our marriage. He magnified my selfishness and began to speak to my heart about how He had created my husband. It became clear that carving out time and finding energy for sex even in the midst of babyhood, was imperative for our marriage to grow.
Saying yes at the end of a day full of spit up and dirty diapers may feel completely counter-intuitive. But it can be a tremendous blessing to your husband. It is a powerful and wonderful gift. I believe it is much closer to the way God designed marriage to work. With plenty of opportunities for distraction in our culture, making a way to connect even through the baby years is one more way to walk out a commitment to marriage for the (life) long haul.
Repost from the archives
I am a Jesus-loving, homeschooling mother of four spirited young children and wife to one incredible husband. After ten years in ministry and eleven years of marriage, my husband and I are in the midst of a new journey. He is now working outside the church while we are a part of a new church plant in our area. We have encountered some pretty overwhelming challenges in our barely 30 years of age. I am learning daily to live out God’s radical promise in Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” I have watched this verse in action and am still in awe of God’s ability to use every single thread of my life for His good.Karissa blogs at Table for Six
7 Zesters spoke up:
This is something I really struggled with as a mom with 5 little ones, and you're so right, Karissa, the blessing of saying yes is wonderful.
Thanks so much for being with us today! =]
This is EXCELLENT. Such a good reminder for us bedraggled moms and wives. Thanks!
Love the article. I think many young women get exhausted taking care of the babies. That you thought about your husband and felt guilt speaks volumnes. He was probably thinking about you and giving you a break...not insisting his needs be met. That sounds to me like a strong marriage at that time of your life. And we can always count on the Lord to nudge us in the right direction.
I'm reading Michelle Sutton's novel Never Without Hope about a young woman named Hope who's husband has turned his back on her in their marriage bed. Since ordering this book, I've become aware that this is a huge problem. It's not always the woman who quits wanting sex.
This subject is perhaps something more pastors should preach on.
Karissa, this is so true. I have noticed that when I give myself excuses, my natural weak bents start to kick into overdrive- like self-protection and withdrawal in other aspects. I have learned that it is not helpful for ME in the long run to "deny" my husband. Of course it is not helpful to him, but on those days when it still feels hard, I remind myself that it safeguards me as well.Thanks for a great post!
Wonderful article, Karissa! Something that is not talked about often enough. You put words to what I've thought about, how I'd feel guilty rather than relieved when I got my way...because I put myself first. When we put our spouse first even when we're exhausted its amazing how we benefit. I'm surprised by it over and over, although its a constant struggle since I'm usually weary.
So glad you were able to see your husband's needs, as he was also seeing yours. Loving one another, like Nike said.
I so have been there, especially when breastfeeding. I felt as if I needed a break from being touched! Like you mentioned, though, when we don't connect with our husbands, we start questioning their feelings for us. We need that connecting as much as they do.
Wonderful post, thanks for sharing.
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