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What is sex as a weapon anyway? There are two weapons I've seen and tried not to employ. The first is obvious. There is a conflict between husband and wife and to get even, the wife typically uses sex as a weapon. As in the husband isn't going to get any for a long time.
Sex within marriage is a gift God created. When He designed us and our purposes and function within marriage He didn't intend us to wield the bedroom as a fighting bargaining chip. It's tempting to throw out the no sex proclamation in the middle of a fight, and I know on sitcoms, its regular fare.
It doesn't make it right.
Ladies (and gentlemen readers, I know you're here!) one of the best circumstances I've had in the bedroom was having a conflict, using communication to solve it, and ultimately we found ourselves in the bedroom in a post conflict glow. This is so much more meaningful than during a fight deciding to delay sex as a means of getting even or perhaps guarding your hurting heart.
The second way I've seen and ahem, used, sex as a weapon is as a dangling carrot. This was the weapon wives don't think about and fall into, needing something done around the house and saying, "If you clean the garage..." Often sentences like this end with promises like I'll wear that nightie, I'll trade you for two quickies this week, I'll try that position and other sexual negotiations bound in chores. The conference speakers weren't against the couples mutually tackling chores and having a joint reward in the bedroom, but they were discouraging wives getting husbands to help out around the house with sexual promises as their consistent form of communication.
Again, at the marriage conferences I've attended this type of communication and bargaining isn't how God designed marital lovemaking. In general our time with our husband is something to look forward to and enjoy. When we start to throw out angry threats and coy promises with something so sacred it's a path that probably isn't going to foster oneness.
In praying about what to write this month this was the topic God kept bringing back to me. I know I have room for improvement with this, so perhaps there is someone realizing they've been wielding weapons best left to the movies.
Father God, thank You for creating the gift of marriage and sex within marriage. I confess I take this gift for granted and realize I even use lovemaking as a weapon or bargaining chip. Help me break this habit and return our marriage to a place where sex is sacred, looked forward to and mutually enjoyed. Forgive me Lord and show me communication that brings consistent oneness to our marriage. Thank You for my spouse, You deserve all the glory and honor. Amen.
http://www.juliearduini.com
Surrendering the good, the bad, and---maybe one day---the chocolate
4 Zesters spoke up:
Sex should never be used for manipulation; but it's such a common practice, even among Christians. Husbands get into the act, too, promising rewards for sexual favors, or--worse--threatening to withdraw affection and approval if they don't get sex the way they want it.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you suggested it may be a way of guarding our hearts.
I think the phrase originates from the song by Pat Benetar in the 70s. It's sad that such situations have become so commonplace today, sitcoms joke about it like it's nothing (then again, the husbands on most of those sitcoms can barely put 2 and 2 together, so I guess it makes sense. Can we just ban sitcoms altogether? It would fix so many problems!)
Thanks! I know the takeaway I have is to be aware of it. God has such a great plan for lovemaking and my heart is for all married people to enjoy it to the fullest.
before my husband and I married, we talked about this. sex was not a punishment or a reward for something done or not done. and for the most part, we've really stuck to that. the hard part I have is the balance between- I am genuinely mad at my husband right now and can't fathom having sex right now- and my husband would say- oh, but we said... yeah, well, honey- if we fix this spat, you've got a lot better chance at what you want. we have our own bargains in place- I get to sleep in Saturday morning (he'll watch the kids) if he has a happy start to the day-- that kind of thing- but we try very hard not to use it as a tool of manipulation. good post, Julie.
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