How to Awaken Your Sex Drive

I've been thinking for a while about the verse in Song of Solomon which says, "Do not awaken love until it is ready."

I think some of us have let our love be awakened too early, or too abruptly, and so it never really woke at all. And so our sex drives sit dormant, and we wonder if there's something wrong with us. Why don't we like sex? Why don't we want it more?

Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don't experience orgasm, and often don't really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren't really into giving the girls pleasure; they're too young and immature. So your body doesn't necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn't that exciting.

Then, when you get married, sex is still a source of shame for you, and you can't really figure out what all the fuss is about. It always seemed rather hurried and rather messy, and not really something to pant over. You want to have fun, but you can't picture how it's possible, especially since you still feel a lot of guilt over what you did.

Even worse shame is experienced by those who have been abused and used; they understood about sex far too early, and their bodies learned that it was not a good thing. Is that you? Is sex something that was forced upon you, and now you can't see it as a source of love?

The other route to this rude awakening is the exact opposite of these sad ones. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. And he liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really "awakened" love.

Many women, for all these different reasons, are in this situation. They just don't see why everyone gets so excited about sex. It seems like everyone is lying to them. The whole culture is trying to con women into thinking it's something great, so that you'll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it's not that great at all. It was designed for men, and it's a big rip off.

Your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way.

And chances are you've become a little bitter about sex. It's just something else on your to-do list. And then you read on blogs like this one and others that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you're supposed to put out. Oh, great. That's really fun now, isn't it?

And I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there's a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You're not working towards some goal anymore. Instead, use that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

It may kill him, and so I really don't recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It's just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. And we need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. And you can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn't the point of the evening.

When you spend time just touching, or enjoying being naked together, you experience real intimacy. For many of us, intimacy and sex have been separated in our minds, because sex is shameful or hurtful or selfish. But for sex to be really good for women, it needs to be combined with that intimacy. So give yourself the time to enjoy him. Spend some time letting him touch you, and then seeing if you actually enjoy being touched, and where. Move his hand to where you want it. If your body starts to respond, show him.

Go back to square one and get to know your body. And introduce him to it, too!

I don't recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, it can revolutionize many marriages.

You do have a sex drive, even if it's buried. And if you've never experienced real arousal before, don't accept no for an answer. Go on an exciting adventure, without pressure, where you find out how your body does respond. And maybe, slowly but surely, you'll discover that good sex was meant for you, too!

Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum! Sheila is the author of the upcoming Zondervan book, "The Good Girls' Guide to Sex".

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