When You're Angry- Part 1: Don't "Just Do It"

I so appreciate the Zesty ladies who add to our discussions. D.L. Diener commented on Julie's post about using sex as a weapon. [Read it here] She said, “. . . I am genuinely mad at my husband right now, and can't fathom having sex right now.”

I've been there, girl friend! When my husband and I squabble, it's not that I want to withhold sex as a punishment. I want to withold sex because the thought of him getting near me makes my skin crawl. I don't want to be in the same room with him, much less the same bed! And the fact that he wants to anyway just proves that he couldn't care less about my feelings. If he so much as. . .Oh, um, sorry. I've gotten off track. Venting a little. The point is, I understand.

Eddie and I aren't lovey-dovey types. We have experience in the marital discord department. I've learned a few things, with arms folded and legs crossed, glaring across the room at my Beloved.

Don't “Just do it”.

You know you've heard it. “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”

A common interpretation (I believe misinterpretation) of 1 Corinthinans 7:3-4 tells wives to just grit their teeth and yield when they don't want sex. “Just do it,” we're told.

(I almost never hear of men being counseled to grit their teeth and do whatever it takes to satisfy their wives, including overlooking a fault, sharing spending cash, or washing dishes. But I'm getting off track again.)

Good and sincere people teach wives to swallow down the vomit that rises in their throats at the thought of being used. And well-meaning wives just do it, to please God and strengthen their marriages. I know God honors that sacrificial faith; but I could not disagree more.

Maybe it's my experience as a sexual abuse survivor, my upbringing as a feminist, or simply the good sense that the good Lord gave me. But I see only two conclusions of "giving in” when your entire being says no:

1. If you tell your husband that you'll let him use you, and he does: you make your body an object in both of your eyes, and degrade both of you.

2. If you don't tell your husband that you're letting him use you: you become a liar as well as an object in your own eyes.

These choices damage your marriage, your self-esteem, and your relationship with God.

Do this, not that.

Next time your husband wants sex, but you're still angry, try this instead.

Don't just give in. Grab hold of it! Do it because it feels good. Do it because you deserve a good sex life, even if your husband makes you mad. Do it because it is God's gift to you. Do it to keep yourself from temptation. Do it because it burns calories. Find a good and godly reason that motivates you to want sex, and hold onto that reason like a dog on a bone!

Maybe you're the kind that has to acknowledge the anger. I'm the same way. That's all right.

Tell your husband, “I'm still gonna be mad at you about ____, and we'll talk later. But right now, brace yourself. I'm gonna rock your world.” Then jump him.

You might even release some of that tension.

Tamma