The Lie of Perfectionism

I have perfectionist tendencies. That sounds like a good thing, doesn't it? But it's not.

Perfectionism has an ugly side. The TV show, Clean House, follows families whose perfectionist tendencies lead them to a life of unmanaged clutter. The Clean House team comes in, helps them divide treasures from trash, and gives them a fresh start with a clean house.

At the beginning of every show, the host asks family members how they got to this point. Each one voices some variation of the same excuses: “He doesn't clean up, so I won't either." "My life is too busy." "The little bit that I could do wouldn't be enough.” Fearful of being taken advantage of, and not satisfied with a partial job, each one does nothing, day after day, until their homes become so messy that they become uninviting and non-functional.

That's the ugly side of perfectionism. It's critical, demanding, and fearful--and it stops progress cold. It tells us that if we can't do a job perfectly, we shouldn't do it at all.

In our perfectionist modes, my husband and I think up the most romantic, fun, and exciting ways to please one another. We imagine long nights together between silky sheets, with soft lighting, warm music, and undisturbed passion. Then life interrupts, the way life tends to do, and forces us to put away that perfect dream. So we wait for another day, when we can give it our full attention. Days turn into weeks without lovemaking. As we wait for the perfect time to relish a perfect evening, life continues with its demands, and we grow apart.

When we stop having sex, we stop thinking about it as much. In time, that long night of sensuality seems like a chore that we've put off too long. When we finally get together, our expectations of perfection let us down.

Perfectionism is a lie. Only God is perfect. We can't always enjoy long nights of passion. Sometimes we'll have hairy legs, wear flannel pjs, and fumble through in a half-asleep haze. Instead of romantic music, sometimes we'll make love to the sound of the neighbor's lawnmower. Sometimes our husbands will stink, and we'll choose not to notice. That's real life.

In the same way that we must clean our homes regularly to keep them functional and inviting, we must also connect regularly in order to keep our marriages functioning the way God intended. If we wait for the perfect situation, we don't connect. If we shift the blame to our husbands, or our busy lives, we don't connect. However imperfect or ineffectual our efforts may seem, we must keep touching.

Tamma