We have a very special guest here today who is going to tell her incredible story.
A couple months ago, I was awakened in the middle of the night with this compulsion to contact Sharon (not real name) and ask her about her journey out of pornography. At the time, the blog "Adding Zest" wasn't even a thought, but God had plans that I couldn't foresee.
I have to tell you that she got a very strange and intense comment from me at 3am asking her to email me, and I didn't know if she would respond or not. But she did and what's more, she agreed to honestly and candidly answer my questions.
While Sharon is not ashamed to make her identity known, she has asked to remain anonymous for this post in order to avoid bringing reproach upon her husband. Sharon, thank you so much for your honestly, your heart, and for being an example for others to follow. You are a blessing!
Now readers, you are in for a treat. Grab a cup of coffee, and read a story of redemption and hope.
Heidi: Tell us how you got started on pornography.
Sharon: I started watching pornography after rebelliously marrying an unbelieving man as a teenager. It was in our early marriage when I began to try to find someway of “connecting” with him that I followed his lead into watching pornographic movies as part of our sexual experience together.
It’s so true what our Spirit says, “What part has a believer with an unbeliever?” (2 Corinthians 6:14) He has such a loving reason why He tells us not to marry or bond ourselves together with an unbeliever… He knows there’s no intimacy, no fellowship, as He inteded it to be there. Trying to find that connection with my husband I began watching pornography. Soon, I was enslaved to it.
Heidi: The “experts” say that sexual misbehavior and sexual addiction are actually a symptom of a deeper issue: intimacy disorder. Can you see that this was true in your case?
Sharon: I don’t know about that. Like I said in answering the first question, there was for sure an issue of lack of intimacy that spurred me to begin watching pornography. I was seeking some level of intimacy with my husband on a wordly and fleshly appetite level. I think going back to why I chose to marry an unbelieving man when I was a young believing 19 year old does get to more of the “root” of the problem though. I didn’t respect my parents’ choices and I didn’t have a father who stood up and said, “You know what honey, I’m not going to idly stand by and let you make this decision. I’m going to remind you that you’re worth more, that you belong to Christ…” etc.
I don’t blame my parents but I do see how that lack of intimate trust with them caused me to rebelliously disregard their angst about me marrying the man I chose to marry. Ultimately I know that even though they didn’t guide me the right way, God was speaking through them in urging me not to make the choice I was making, and I didn’t heed His voice through them. I think my lack of intimacy with Christ, being satisfied with Him, is ultimately the reason I went looking for it in “the world” (my husband) and that led to looking for intimacy with “the world” (my husband ) in pornography.
Heidi: How long did you struggle with the behavior?
Sharon: From 1993 through 2001. Even though I don’t struggle with the behavior myself now, I struggle with overcoming the accusations, arguments, condemnations and temptations just to give in to make my husband “happy”.
I also struggle with replacing those old images in my mind with a pure joy in sex with my husband. But I have overcome greatly, especially in the last three years, standing on the blood of the Lamb, the testimony of His deliverance in my life and His word.
Heidi: For some, Jesus delivers in a single moment; but for most, it is a gradual deliverance as He teaches us to do spiritual warfare and trains us to be victorious. How did He bring victory into your life?
Sharon: For me I think it was both a single moment deliverance and a little by little taking back of the “land” of sex in my marriage for His glory. Although I became addicted to watching pornography, talking pornography, or thinking pornography during sex or to achieve orgasm in sex, I always despised it and myself afterward. It truly is a bunch of chains that you wish you could shake off.
It took a revelation of the power of the Cross of Christ, confession of my secret sin to others, and taking a loving stand with my husband that brought me deliverance. And it took replacing my past with the truth of God’s word and a continual washing of my mind with God’s word to begin to strengthen me to be victorious and fruitful as God would have it in the land of sex again.
I remember one day, after watching a movie on the computer while my husband was away, totally breaking down. During the entire act I was so aware of Christ’s presence and then when it was over I couldn’t hide. All I could see in my spirit was Christ on the cross saying, “I became that sin for you.” Suddenly I knew that the cost of what I was caught up in was the precious life of Christ and that revelation of His redemption broke my chains. I immediately wanted to confess rather than hide.
I called my dear friend and sister in Christ and confessed my life of pornography to her and cried from the depths of my soul. After that I talked with a pastor at my church and confessed to him that the “seductress” from the Proverbs was living in my house. I told him and his wife about my chains and began regulary going to a Bible study for those with addictions. I also went to my unbelieving husband who saw absolutely nothing wrong with watching porn, and told him I was addicted to it and didn’t want to watch it ever again. I asked him to throw it all away. In fact, if I remember right, I think I threw away much of it at that time. He thought I was nuts and being rediculous. He didn’t want me to throw it away and he began to experience a distancing from me at that point that ultimately led to him leaving me a couple years later.
Between that time of taking a stand with him and him leaving I fell for the fear tactics of the enemy who always threatened that I was holding back from my husband sexually since I wouldn’t watch porn anymore. I remember so clearly watching something with him once and saying, “I’m sorry. It just doesn’t do anything for me anymore.” I walked away sad that I had caved in, but glad to see that God had done a work in me that made pornography no longer alluring or exciting to me. The allure of those old chains were gone!
Now, the issue gets brought up on occasion with my husband (who returned to me after leaving although still an unbeliever and still himself poisoned by pornography) when he’ll bring up a pornographic thought or image with his words while we’re engaged in sex together. Each time God has just given me such grace for the moment. I find myself being more real with him, just telling him, “That’s not what I want, I just want you.” The more I rely on the innocent intimacy of my body and mind enjoying his (as God intended it), the more I can honestly say I don’t need or want those images to help me.
It’s hard for my husband to accept. My new innocence in this area is not alluring to him… once you’re doped up on the drug of porn, pure intimacy just doesn’t do the trick. But I’ve also found that when he does accept me in my purity in sex that he tastes something of God that God is using.
Heidi: What are the key ingredients for deliverance? Where can a desperate woman start to finding freedom?
Sharon: I believe you first have to recognize the pornography as the chains and poison they are and desperately desire deliverance. That truly is the beginning. When we cry out to God for deliverance we can know He desires that for us and will do it. When Israel was enslaved in Egypt God heard their cries and delivered them. When Israel was enslaved in Babylon (due to their own sin), God heard their prayers and delivered them. Whether it be our own choices or the choices of others that have got us bound by pornography, God will hear our cries for deliverance. But just as with Israel we must obey His word to us when He comes to deliver. For me that word was, “Confess it!” Both as sin before God and to others (some Christian I can trust).
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) ““Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you my be healed…” (James 5:16)
There is also a time of waiting on the Lord. Believe God’s word, that He is the one who delivers from the grip of sin, confess it as sin, and then wait on the Lord for the full manifestation of that true deliverance in your life.
During that time of waiting, needless to say there must be a stand taken to prevent the temptation to return to those images. Whether it be with telling your spouse, burning the videos, throwing away your computrer, whatever it takes. There has to be a “violent” stand that sets a chasm between you and that old poison. Also, during that time of waiting on the Lord flood your mind with the truth of God’s word. Occupy your time in reading and studying whether alone or in groups.
One of my favorite scriptures is Exodus 23:29-30:
“I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the beasts of the field become too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and you inherit the land.”
Remember that the work of driving out the enemy of pornography and sexual perversion from the land of life in a sexual relationship as God intended it is a “little by little” work. God’s deliverance is immediate. He has set us free through Christ, but on our end we see it little by little as we confess, obey and wash our minds with His word.
Heidi: Okay, tough question, the whole solo sex issue: When solo sex or self gratification is involved, the chemical activity in the brain is affected and this quickly creates addiction. Is it just enough to stop looking at images? I mean, how did you deal with the physical and chemical drive and push for physical satisfaction?
Sharon: For me, I began taking that “solo sex” dependency to my husband. When I began to have a desire for sex, I started thinking about my husband rather than those old images as God little by little delivered me from them. So when there’s a time that I have a desire for sex and my husband isn’t around, I write him a little note, or let him know as soon as I can that I’m “in the mood”.
And when we are engaged in an act together, I just have become more honest with him about what I need. I’ve learned to embrace, “The marriage bed is undefiled.” (Hebrews 13:4) God has delivered me from the bringing others into our bedroom, but He has also freed me to engage in sex with my husband. There’s a lot of playground room within the bounds of marriage for sex. It does not include others or any other dependency upon perversion, but the exploration and use of each others bodies for pleasing each other is wide open and blessed by God. “Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!” (Song of Solomon 5:1b)
Heidi: This issue isn’t just about pornography. Women can also engage in romance novel reading, fantasizing, TV viewing, etc that also feeds images to the mind. Basically, we can create our own mental pornography. Once those images are there, they are imprinted on the brain. Was the battle for you primarily a mental one (looking at images)? A physical one (solo sex)? And how do you fight this long term battle?
One has to let the Spirit of God search them and see if there be any wicked way in them that He might lead them in the everlasting way (Psalm 139:23-24) Whatever it is that causes a woman to move away from purity and oneness with her husband is a deviation from the path that God has for her to flourish in when it comes to sex or any other area of life. For me the battle was mental (looking at images or pulling them up in my mind) and physical (seeking pleasure outside of union with my husband).
Long term there has to be a continual pressing forward in faith: desiring deliverance, believing its found in Christ, obeying His instructions, taking a clear and radical stand against anything that hinders or entagles you from pressing forward in the race set before you, confessing your sin as sin, and letting your mind be washed with God’s word.
Heidi: One other question I have is in regards to the healthy sexual relationship with your husband. Is it possible to have a “normal”, fulfilling (i.e. orgasmic) relationship with your spouse without engaging in fantasies, image retrieval, and the like, after you have struggled with sexual perversion and it's accompanying behaviors?
Sharon: One of my favorite verses is:
“For the LORD will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the LORD; Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody.” – Isaiah 51:3
I love it cause it speaks to our God’s ability and pleasure in taking what seems a “waste place” and making it into a garden of Eden! YES, you can have a “normal” fullfilling sexual relationship with your spouse! God can do anything, no matter the extent of damage or death in that area! Our God is able.
I think it’s important to know a couple things though.
1. Our expectations of what is normal may be keeping us from experiencing what God would have for us. For many years I was unable to orgasm due to the damage of pornography. In the last couple years though the Spirit has made it clear to me that orgasm is not the definition of “normal” or fulfilling sex with my husband, but enjoying each other and pleasuring each other is.
For me, this meant letting go of expecting orgasm. I know that professionals probably say that sex without orgasm isn’t normal. But when I embraced the freedom to just “play” with my husband innocently, without laying the expectation of orgasm on myself, I was really fullfilled by our time together. And you know what, sometimes I orgasmed, sometimes I didn’t.
2. Secondly heaven isn’t found in the bedroom although it can come pretty close. I think its not only important to release ourselves from heavy expectations and just pleasure and enjoy our spouses bodies and touch to the greatest degree that we can. But we must remember that although God is able to make an Eden out of our waste place, ultimately that Eden is not on this side of heaven. We might get tastes of it here, but the ultimate fullfillment of all we long to be is when we see our Savior.
I always think of Abraham. Hebrews says that although Abraham obeyed God and went out to receive the inheritance God promised him, not knowing where he was going, he dwelt in that promised land by faith, “…as in a foreign country… for he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God.” (Hebrews 11:8-10) God can and will give us much of the redeemed life in the Spirit He calls us to, in many areas, even the area of sexual intimacy with our spouses, as we obey and walk by faith in those areas. But ultimately we must dwell in the marriages we are in by faith, as in a foreign country, waiting for the city God has made.
What I’m saying is, enjoy each other, play innocently with each other, don’t lay heavy expectations on each other, and believe that in every way, your ulitmate fullfillment is found in the new creature you are in Christ and will fully be when you see Him face to face.
Repost from the archives
Posts
But when your day is spent meeting every practical need of a new baby or being climbed on by an energetic toddler, it’s easy to get to the end of the day with no room left in your personal bubble. I remember feeling like if I was touched or tugged at or ‘needed’ in any other way by bedtime, I just might scream.
I am a Jesus-loving, homeschooling mother of four spirited young children and wife to one incredible husband. After ten years in ministry and eleven years of marriage, my husband and I are in the midst of a new journey. He is now working outside the church while we are a part of a new church plant in our area. We have encountered some pretty overwhelming challenges in our barely 30 years of age. I am learning daily to live out God’s radical promise in Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” I have watched this verse in action and am still in awe of God’s ability to use every single thread of my life for His good.
