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While discussing post traumatic stress disorder and the long-lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse, my husband asked me, “How did you overcome it?” The question took me aback. I had almost forgotten. It seems a lifetime ago, but in the early years of our marriage, sexual intimacy was difficult for me. Sometimes I couldn't bear it at all. I felt guilty when I pushed my husband away and angry when I didn't. Sometimes out of nowhere, vivid sensory memories interrupted my peace and stopped me cold. Frequent nightmares made me afraid to sleep. Rage seemed to always simmer just below the surface.
How did I overcome it? It wasn't one thing. I prayed. I wrote. I went to therapy. I sketched. I forgave my abuser, and shared Jesus with him. Then I agreed to testify against him, because forgiveness is different from letting an abuser continue to abuse.
When horrific memories took over my senses, causing me to feel and hear past abuse, I stomped my foot to jolt my body back to the present. When my mind wandered, I focused on my husband's face and talked to him.
At some point that got lost in the busyness of life, I moved on.
When I was still suffering from PTSD symptoms, I couldn't imagine ever feeling free with my husband. Now the trauma gives me understanding, but cannot hurt me. I no longer have to whisper, looking down with my hand over my mouth, when I speak of the years of sexual assaults. I can say it out loud, making eye contact, without hesitation. I can also forget about it for months or years at a time. Now I enjoy my husband's love with my whole body, heart and mind.
I share this with a prayer for those of you who still suffer as a result of sexual abuse. There's no easy answer. Everyone has a different experience, and some suffer longer than others. Take heart. You survived for a purpose. God himself will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."
1 Peter 5:6-11, NIV
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